Monday, January 25, 2010

Five Dollar Fedora

While getting Drew ready to take a field trip with a friend this morning I handed him a ten dollar bill.

"Here's some money to get in. You will only need about half that so bring back the change."
"Awww, man! I can't buy any toys at the gift shoppe?"
"No."
"What if I'm hungry and I need food?"
"That's why I packed you a lunch."
"But, what if they have fedoras for five bucks?"
(???)
"Okay, if they are selling fedoras for five dollars at the gift store then you may buy one."

He was satisfied after that. I love it when they think they win.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

If You Guessed "A"...

...you were wrong. Gross! How stupid do you think I am? Let's not answer that for now. Actually, the majority were correct in guessing "B" - I burned my forehead while talking on the phone. It's sad because it means my kids are right; I am on the phone ALL THE TIME. I haven't figured out exactly why that is other than to dream that I am so much fun that people just want to hear my voice on a daily basis. (Reality check: NOT.) So it kind of begs the question, who am I talking to all the time?

Mom and Dad: Just yesterday I called my parents to tell my Dad that I was visiting with someone new at church and we found out that her husband and my Dad taught in the same school district for decades, and did my dad know the guy who just died? In fact, he did! Is it wrong to use an exclamation point there? I'm not excited that the guy died, just surprised at how small this world can be sometimes.

Siblings: I talk to both of my sisters regularly. We discuss what kind of bread has the fewest Weight Watchers points, which kid we like the best (kidding!), how old Robert Redford looks these days, and who has the nicest house of all the Real Housewives (not really, but it's Vicki - the nicest house goes to the biggest wench - shameful that I know anything about this). I talk to my brothers less frequently, but I have one who calls regularly and every phone call from him is like investing in laughter therapy. Another one called recently during my hysterectomy recovery to tell me that he had kidney stones. We swapped morphine stories and prayed each night that the other might experience relief soon. Awesome.

Friends: Sometimes we call with unfolding tales of drama in our lives, other times we call to share mind numbing realities. Like when my friend recently phoned after she moved away to say that she had discovered something like 9 gnomes in her yard from the previous owners. "Who does that?" is a question that frequently gets tossed around.

My OBGYN: Hey doc? Why am I infecting all the time now in all things and in all places as I strive to live? And whatever happened to your wife who used to work here? And how did you end up having another child in your 50's?

The radio station: I try to win stuff occasionally. I am not as cool as my friend Paige who has won freakin' Disney cruises for her family of 6 and limousine rides, but I've been known to win a free dinner or two. Hi Dom and Jane! Did you get my Christmas card?

So yes, the other morning I was getting ready to go somewhere when the phone rang. I only had a few minutes before I needed to leave and I still needed to straighten my hair with my flatiron. I debated.
Don't answer it.
But what if it's George asking me out for the premiere of his new movie?
*ring*ring*
Don't answer it.
But what if it's Bill Gates calling me back to tell me he's donating to my "No Chocolate Left Behind" charity?
*ring*ring*
Don't answer it!
Oh! I bet it's Matthew calling back to tell me when he can come over to rub this kink out of my neck. It's been KILLING me!
[picking up the phone] "Hello?"
[It's my friend.] "Do you know what I HATE?"
"Finding 4 foot crafted easter bunnies in your basement, having an ice cream store that closes at 4pm in your small town, your kids raising chickens at their new school, and that New Kids On The Block broke up?"
"Yes, but you know what ELSE?"

And that's how I burned my head trying to straighten my hair one handed.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Is That Your Face Or Did Your Neck Just Throw Up?



I ran into a little trouble this morning and ended up with a little extra fixture on my forehead for a while. What happened, you ask? I'm going to let you vote. See the poll to the right - I'll give you until Friday to guess and then I'll tell you the right answer.