It Was So Hot I Even Heard Satan Crying

Sometimes when we don't have a lot going for us we have to accentuate the positive and focus on our best features.  Like Kate Middleton is to the Royal Family, the Outback's bloomin' onion is to the vegetarian, and the Grand Canyon is to Arizona.  There's always a silver lining.  Speaking of Arizona, I just spent the weekend there but I wasn't visiting the Grand Canyon so I had to search for other redeeming qualities in the area.  I've decided to sum up my brief jaunt into three categories:  1) Things I cannot explain, 2) Things I don't need to explain and, 3)  Things that are hard to explain but worth trying.

THINGS I CANNOT EXPLAIN

1.  115 degrees

2.  The 4 women in the airport who wore matching shirts and mini trolls glued onto their shoulder. 

3.  Did you hear me?  I said ONE HUNDRED FIFTEEN DEGREES.

4.  The other woman in the airport who traced through security with me wearing a backless dress that revealed a tattoo covering her entire back.  The tattoo was a picture OF HERSELF.  I was tempted to slip the phone number of a photographer into her bag with a message on the back reading, “There’s an easier way.”

5.  Seriously, we actually said the words “It’s too hot to go swimming.”

THINGS I DON’T NEED TO EXPLAIN

1.  Nielsen’s frozen custard

HARD TO EXPLAIN BUT WORTH TRYING

1.  We went to see The Help.  Having read and fallen in love with the book I had high expectations which were surprisingly met.  I was so happy that it fell in line with everything I had envisioned in my head when I read the book!  The tension and violence of that time and place in history was felt but not overdone.  The blind ignorance of characters such as Hilly Holbrook was blatant and frustrating yet disturbingly believable, while the actors who brought Aibileen and Minny to life felt like my good friends by the time the movie was over.  “You is smart.  You is kind.  You is important.”  I loved, loved, loved this movie.  I want to marry it.

2.  Featured on Food Network's Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives, we headed over to Joe’s Farm Grill for lunch one afternoon.  I had the Fontina Burger, sweet potato fries and a dark chocolate shake, which is to say I forgave Arizona for being so hot that my spleen was asking to borrow my anti perspirant.

3.  I tried to teach my 4-year-old nephew about jaundice in regards to his Grinch stuffed animal with yellow eyes.  I think he gets it now.

I know a lot of you who read my blog here at RITH call the Grand Canyon State your home, and I’m happy for you.  However, in the future I think I’ll restrict my visits to fall between November and February.  It’s better that way.

Big Sky Country

Last year something bad happened when Drew's best friend and one of my best friends, Jill moved away.  They traded their easy access to Costco and restaurants that stay open past 6pm for open skies, neighbors with goats, and an elementary school that raised their own chickens.  It wasn't an easy transition for any of us, so when Drew's birthday approached this year I decided that instead of throwing him a traditional birthday party where dozens of boys would come over and spray an inordinate amount of testosterone around my house, I would fly him to Montana to see Ben.  And since it would be incredibly irresponsible for me to send him alone, I would graciously accompany him.

When we landed in the Missoula airport we were greeted by many friends.  This group seemed particularly enthused:

He Is

The house was quiet, most of the lights were turned off, all signs pointing to the fact that the day was supposed to be over.  I shuffled near the kitchen table picking up the remains of the day and after tucking away the final glue stick into its place in the drawer, I looked up and took note of the scene taking place under the only lights still on in the house.  There they sat, father and daughter huddled side by side poring over a set of algebra problems. 

It’s moments like this that I want to snicker at the nay-sayers who mock Accountants -  they have obviously never had a teenager with Honors Algebra and seen the benefits first hand.  The little girl sitting there is concentrating as deeply as one can who has already fit in an hour of Seminary, 8 hours of school, 2 hours of cross country practice, and an hour of youth group.  Her hand is planted firmly on her forehead, and as small pieces of her bangs poke through her fingers she checks her answer with the man sitting next to her. 

He is her Dad.

He is my Husband.

He is an Accountant who remembers Math who, as far as I’m concerned, carries more power in that mechanical pencil than I could ever hope for in a superhero’s cape.  He was concentrating too, as much as any man can who has already fit in the morning Seminary drop-off, eleven hours of work, an hour of basketball with his son, and two hours of extra meetings to cover his church responsibilities. 

He is her Dad.

He is my Husband.

He really is.

So Random

It’s a bad combination when you’re experiencing the highest temperatures of the season and you’re A/C goes out at the precise time your doctor tells you to stop wearing deodorant, but that’s what happened.  Everything is okay now – the A/C got fixed yesterday, my underarm rash is fading, and we’ll finish the week out in the 90’s. 

***

Also a bad combination – going on a run after a dentist appointment and trying to hock a loogie while half of your face is still numb.  This particular appointment had required more than one shot of Novocain and left me unable to press my lips evenly together as I left.  I felt like a carp that had been tagged with a hook through my upper lip.  It’s almost worth getting a shot of Novocain and trying it yourself to see what it really feels like.

***

I sent my youngest off to middle school like a lamb to the slaughter yesterday.  I resisted the urge to walk him all the way to the bus stop, but I didn’t resist the urge to spy on him from the corner behind my neighbor’s bush.  Baby steps.

***

My facebook buddy J.L. changed my life and posted this link to a recipe for frozen hot chocolate.  I’ll tell you the same thing I told him after making it – I know this drink is true with every fiber of my being. 

***

I still have so much to tell you about my summer!  Pictures of bears, presidents, funny quotes, and fun memories.  Like the time Samantha and I left the house dressed the same and when I noticed I asked her, “You’re not embarrassed by looking like me are you?”  Silence.  Drew chimed in, “Oooooh!!!  Mom, the silence is NOT a good sign.”  There’s more to come – in the meantime, do yourself a favor and whip up a little frozen hot chocolate.  Ironic, yes.  But delicious?  Also, yes.

Duh. LOSING!

When a dude named Byron showed up at my door today to diagnose the trouble with my air conditioning, I was expecting him to find some inane problem that reflects mine and Cory's incompetence.  (I was also expecting him to pull out some sort of monogrammed towel or something as he set to work.  I don't care if you're a service tech or a butler, if your name is Byron you need to embrace the monogram.)  Something along the lines of, "Well ma'am, if you want your A/C to work you should try plugging it in," or "See this button here on your thermostat?  The snowflake button makes it cold, cold, cold."  But no.  After some time in the basement and another 20 minutes outside with hoses and such hooked up to our unit, he began to explain, "The coolant...blah blah blah...extension valve...blah blah blah...refrigerant...yadda yadda..." and as I tried to understand it all I found myself wishing for a mime to help translate.  [The mime begins with his hands together - the hands separate dramatically, the mime's eyes get big, and he gestures a silent "kaboom!"  THAT I can understand.]  Instead I think I stared at the technician like this:

I tried to reiterate so as to confirm the diagnosis, but ended up looking more like this:

Incidentally, also the face I make when trying to grasp the point of thongs and tongue rings.  Good ol' Byron could see the look on my face but he kept trying, bless his heart.  I think the reason he kept trying so hard was because he wanted to avoid disclosing the dollar amount of this catastrophe, and he wanted me to be able to justify the cost with his explanation.  I'm sure just one day Byron dreams of having a customer say, "Well, of course!  If it's the extension valve that has to be fixed then naturally you need to charge me ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS."  Byron didn't get his wish, but he got a nice dose of this action:

 

It's An Honor Just To Be Nominated

Last night during an effort to clean up my neglected, post-vacation email Inbox I came across a message announcing that someone had nominated me for the "Funniest Mom Blog" over at the Parents.com website.  What a nice way to come back, don't you think?  I don't know who nominated me but obviously she reads my blog so hey, whoever you are, will you let me know so I can pay you that money I owe you? 

I gotta be honest, I'm really flattered.  I'm trying not to be but YOU GUYS!  I already have SIX votes!  Six people totally like me, which means I'm already more popular than broccoli and snakes.  Drew passed by the office as I read the email and I said, "Hey Drew, my blog was nominated on a national website," to which he asked, "Do we get a prize?  Like a Toyota?"  Silly Brett.  Still, I think it would be awesome to get more votes because winning is fun, and it rarely happens to me.  Aside from being Tetherball champion in 2nd grade, scoring a box of chocolates and a gift certificate to Applebee's from a radio contest, and winning Cory's love I have always been more on the "loser" side of things.  So, if you want to help me turn things around click on that hot pink button at the top of my sidebar over there and cast a vote my way, will ya?  Please?  Do it for the children.

Return To...Which Mountain?

Hi.  Remember me?  Pink Snuggie, no uterus, made a Jehovah’s witness sing Happy Birthday, gave bacon to my Jewish neighbors, caught with bourbon in my purse at church?  Good grief, who HAVEN'T I offended?  Any Catholics out there that I missed?  I was just trying to make sure you knew it was really me but now all I can think of is how I should hurry up and rescue some orphaned AIDS babies before my earthly stint here is through to balance out my resume.  

I can hear St. Peter now, "I don't know Vern, it says here that you had some liquor in your purse..."

"Right, but if you jump down to line #87 you'll see that I once donated six dollars to the March of Dimes..."

"...and then you swore in front of your children during an unfortunate water incident..."

"They were brand new hardwood floors!  *sigh*  If you keep reading you'll see I've also written checks to the Food Bank of the Rockies..."

"What's this...did you really tell your Jewish neighbors they were going to hell?"

"Uh, my shirt, you see, it was a gift."

"And how did you handle the potty training mishap with your child on the marble steps of the Denver Capitol Building?"

"Boy oh boy, can you get a load of the acoustics in that place?"

"Mm hmm."

[awkward silence]

"I walked out of a dirty movie once."

What I'm trying to say is, after a summer spent frolicking through the mountains of Montana, the beaches of California, the hills of South Dakota, and the Rockies of Colorado, (more to come on all of that later!) I'm back.  I've missed writing, I've missed reading, and if I don't do something with my Google Reader Inbox I fear its contents will spew right through the monitor.  I look forward to catching up.  Oh, and if you happen to know any orphaned AIDS babies....

Queen of Denial

Last night on the phone my friend asked, “So, how are you doing with the whole school starting and Drew beginning Jr. High thing?”  I responded maturely by essentially jamming my fingers in my ears and yelling, “LA LA LA!”  For now, and for the next 3 weeks until my glorious summer comes to a bitter halt, denial is my friend.  Hey, it worked for OJ.

The unfortunate part where denial goes in the crapper is when you’re sitting in the DMV and they call off your daughter’s name to get her picture taken for her permit.  I was like, “What?  I thought this was the line for Panda Express.  My bad.”  I should have remembered that Panda Express doesn’t require a copy of your birth certificate.  A few minutes later I got confused again when a dude on his cell phone started cussing as if representing both sides of an argument between two Jersey Shore cast members.  I couldn’t decide if I was being Punk’d or had been transported into an episode of “COPS”, but the guy was seriously out of control.  Cory told him to watch his language or take his call outside and that’s when everyone else began protesting and he was quickly kicked out.  Welcome to the DMV!  “Samantha?” the lady behind the desk called out.  It was finally her turn to pose in front of the blue tarp – she proceeded to snap the cutest picture to ever grace a government issued ID and we handed her the keys to drive home.  That’s when Denial got up out of its chair and said, “It’s been nice knowing you” and I gripped the armrests for the next 7 miles. 

Denial betrayed me once again earlier this morning.  I had just come home from taking Samantha to cross country practice and I peeked in to check on Drew, still asleep.  As I poked my head around the corner and surveyed the scene, I had to blink a few extra times to focus.  The boy in this bed wasn’t mine – his legs nearly extended to the footboard, his torso curved around the middle, and with an arm dangling over the side and his head propped in blissful rest, this boy’s body filled up that entire space.  He couldn’t possibly be mine.

My boy is growing.

My girl is driving. 

My head is spinning.

Three weeks left. 

I Have A Pet Rooster. I Have A Pet ROOSTER?!

Sitting down to dinner last night we had just called Drew from outside to come and join us.  As he trailed in from the heat and turned the corner of the hall he said, "Uh, Mom?  Did you know we have a bunch of stickers on our car?" 
"What?" I said, confused.
"I don't know, there's like people on it.  Come here and I'll show you."
I followed him outside with Cory and Samantha in tow and as we turned the corner to view the once naked rear window of our van, I spotted THIS:

We Missed The Testicle Festival By 3 Weeks

In the last few weeks I have been in four different states, eaten with my hands in front of a belly dancer, discovered a culinary masterpiece, sampled soda bread from a Farmer’s Market, toured a submarine, panned for sapphires, tasted the best fudge of my life in a candy store with pink, crystal chandeliers, eavesdropped on a woman rehashing her near death experience about waiting out an earthquake on a toilet, and fell in love with running for a whole week (I know!  And, can you believe it?  Followed by, neither can I!) 

I guess I just wanted you to know that I’m taking my blogging hiatus very seriously, and not just wasting it by watching Cash Cab in my underwear or something. 

In the meantime, let me leave you with a small nugget.  Drew and I were en route from one small town in Montana to another small town in Montana with some friends when we saw a massive billboard alongside the road advertising the “Testicle Festival”, where the consumption of Rocky Mountain Oysters (also known as fried bull testicles) is apparently taken very seriously.  We got a chuckle out of the sign and it led to the following conversation between my son and daughter:

Drew:  Hey Sam, do you know what rocky mountain oysters are?

Sam:  Not really.

Drew:  They’re sheep’s balls.

Sam:  Okay, I did NOT want to know that.

Drew:  Sam, it’s IMPORTANT for you to know.  I mean, what if a hobo came up to you and said, “Hey, want some rocky mountain oysters?” and you didn’t even know what he was talking about.  Wouldn’t you want to know?

Sam:  How about I just NEVER TAKE FOOD FROM A HOBO!

She’s got a point.  Not to mention, whatever happened to driving along secluded Montana roads being a wholesome experience?  Maybe we should watch more Cash Cab. 

Checked out or Plugged in?

I may be stating the obvious but I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. In all honesty, I didn’t expect the weeks since school let out to be so positively blissful. In years past the summer has been something I approached with short, deliberate breaths and clenched fists as if preparing to open a Tupperware dish with unidentifiable and long overdue contents. Imagine, if you will, that instead of opening that Tupperware dish and discovering ricotta cheese that looked like Spanish moss you happened upon a bottomless container of sparkly whipped cream and dancing fairies.

That has been my last two weeks.

I have largely disengaged from the internet, trading my Google reader for excursions to the pool, trips to the library, afternoons planned around Sonic happy hour and mornings that don’t start until 9am. Or 10. Whatever, you probably stopped reading back at the dancing fairies part.

The stark reality for me is noticing the profound difference in how I feel.
It is profound.
It is very different.
We’re talking clouds lifted, seas parted, veil withdrawn, I am HAPPY.

I’ve been trying to figure out why, and I suppose the answer is rooted in the conversations I have forced ad nauseum upon my husband and friends for a while now, pertaining to this: What am I supposed to do with my life? My time?

I have no problem filling up the calendar on a daily basis, the problem is it doesn’t seem to be full of things that satisfy, elevate, or excite me. Here I am, stay at home mother of 2. It’s a path I chose and a path I’m grateful for, but the fact is this full time job of mine is to take care of children who are largely not around. Once they leave for school I have to figure out the next 8 hours on my own. Sounds dreamy, right? I won’t lie, it often is. When my kids were little I fantasized about the day I could grocery shop ALL BY MYSELF, work out ANY TIME I WANTED, or ponder the Home Depot paint samples for HOURS ON END without little hands groping from the cart for all the colors of the rainbow. I’d be considering the right shade of taupe, flashing samples under natural AND fluorescent lighting to be sure I had the right look for the right room and when the little one in the cart would grow impatient I’d toss some goldfish their way for good measure. It’s okay that I’m not wiping faces, fetching snacks or tossing aside my “nantucket buff” or “Chestertown linen” paint chips to address a potty training emergency, but there’s a flip side. A flip side that reveals that instead of craving ADULT conversation in the midst of kid chaos I’m at a point in my life where I will settle for ANY conversation just to break the silence.

There’s an easier way to say this, I was just hoping to make it sound more fascinating and less like a tired country song. Bottom line: I think I’ve been lonely, and I’ve been bored out of my mind. There, I said it. I’ve been bored. B-O-R-E-D. Which is not to say I haven’t been busy, but busy is just doing everything on your list. Happy is being able to do it with fun people, and right now that means Samantha and Drew. I’ve missed them the last 9 months - I didn’t even realize how much until they got out of school, I got off the computer and we all put on our swimsuits. I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth so when you see that I’m not posting, it’s probably because we just woke up. Soon we’ll be eating mangoes in our underwear, watching “Psych” on Netflix and testing every new frozen yogurt establishment so we can declare a winner by August.

H-A-P-P-Y.

My Not Bummer Summer

The universe seems to be sending me messages of hope lately.  I'm not exactly sure what I'm hoping for - lawns that mow themselves, flowers that bite bunnies back, or a journal study on how the consumption of pie adds years to your life wouldn't be so bad, but I'm still waiting on that.  Still, the world is leaving me clues.


Clue #1:  There is a new movie out called "Judy Moody And The Not Bummer Summer".   If you think that sounds stupid wait until you read the plot summary:  "...third grader Judy Moody is planning the most super-duper summer vacation ever with best friends Rocky and Amy. Except that it turns out Rocky is going to circus camp to learn to tame lions, and Amy is headed off to Borneo with her mom to save a lost tribe while Judy stays home with her pesky little brother Stink...."  First of all, I have a few words for Judy Moody; honey, stay close to Rocky.  Boys who go to circus camp have a hard time hanging on to their friends.  Also, if you secretly have a crush on him let me save you some time - he's playing for the other team.  Secondly, is Amy's mom Susan Sarandon?  Finally, were you in the delivery room when your brother "Stink" was born?  And if so, what did he do to deserve THAT?  Anyway, the point is there might be hope for my screenplay after all.

Clue #2:  Andrew Weiner.  Because you can't make that stuff up, and no matter what happens to me his self inflicted humiliation will always, always be worse.  I had a friend throughout college whose last name was "Virgin".  (true)  He recently twittered a picture of himself wearing acid wash jeans and a Members Only jacket.  (not true)  Come to find out that wasn't the worst of it - the latest photo to leak was of him in his bedroom wearing a Klingon mask and working out to a Richard Simmons video. (also not true)

Clue #3:  I lost 4 pounds this week on Weight Watchers.  It's not enough to motivate me into a bikini but it'll do.  So far what I like about Weight Watchers is that I'm losing weight and still eating ice cream.  What I don't like is when we have to clap for people and give stickers when somebody accomplishes something.  It's called getting a "Bravo", and it's very awkward.  It is brought on by events such as walking your dog instead of eating a cookie.  I think it's supposed to motivate you, but all it does is convince me even more that I never want a dog, but would very much enjoy a cookie.  Something WW tries to promote is healthier eating so you can have MORE of it.  But what I like is knowing I can have what I want and then just wait to eat again until lunch.  Specifically, if given the option between a full fat yogurt with cream on the top or two NON-fat yogurts that taste like baby spit up splashed with honey, I choose option A.  Every time.

Clue #4:   Uhhhh...I guess it's just three clues.

If He Were In Charge Of The World

Mama's feeling kind of sick today.  Not the nighttime-sniffling-sneezing-coughing-aching-stuffy head-fever kind of sick, but the kind that still manages to flip my stomach into small, achy knots and my heart to crawl into the fetal position.  My head is telling me to knock it off but my heart is having a hard time listening.  Sometimes it's the opposite and my heart is the voice of reason while my head gets all freaked out.  I think it would be nice if the two could just get along every once in a while - is that too much to ask?  In the meantime I have to work out the dissonance, as no signs of cooperation seem to be present at the moment.

My head knows I'm just being a baby.  It's only the last day of elementary school not the freakin' Apocalypse.  But see, it's not just the last day of elementary school this year, it's the last day of elementary school at my house...FOREVER.  As it turns out, forever is actually a really long time.  Even Vannah White is eventually going to get arthritis and be unable to turn those letters and when she does, I will STILL not have a kid in elementary school.  At some point Days of Our Lives will go off the air leaving single women in their 80's with nothing more to do but stay prompt at their weekly hair appointments and keep their cats alive and even then, I will still not have any children in elementary school.  As sure as Justin Bieber will soon grace the Enquirer as a menace to society I am officially done with grades K-5.

I don't mind that Drew is getting older.  (lies)  I don't mind that he is getting taller and smarter and going to puberty class.  (lies lies lies)  More than anything I'm just not ready for the world to take my boy away.  It's like preparing to send an Amish 3-year-old onto the set of Toddlers and Tiaras.  Why?  How?  And why  again?

As he emptied out his backpack today and seemed to be unloading our nation's tax code on the counter, I found this poem he had written among the wreckage:

If I were in charge of the world,

I'd cancel homework,

School on Tuesdays and Fridays,

Mean teachers, and also

Miley Cyrus.

If I were in charge of the world

There'd be donuts two times bigger,

An island made of cheese,

And pizza places who sell bigger pizzas.

If I were in charge of the world,

You wouldn't have vegetables,

You wouldn't have cigarettes,

You wouldn't have gas powered cars.

Or "Don't forget to brush."

You wouldn't even have dirty teeth.

If I were in charge of the world,

Ice cream would be a vegetable.

All PG movies would be "G".

And a person who didn't brush

And sometimes forgets to empty the dishwasher

Would still be allowed to be

In charge of the world.

I don't want him to grow up but I have to hand it to him; bigger donuts?  No Miley?  An island made of cheese?  It's definitely intriguing.

Senior Pictures

There seems to be a lot of graduation chitter chatter in my social circle lately that has caused me to reflect.  I remember when I was a senior in high school and I thought the whole world revolved around me.  We were top dog at that point, everyone fussing around us wondering what we were going to do next as if there were any way to top such scintillating memories such as barely getting asked to Prom and learning to drive from a guy who looked like a cross between Neil Diamond and a porn star.  I couldn't figure out what everyone was so excited about but it still went a little to my head.  I'm not anxious to illustrate how bad it got but suffice it to say that one night I went to the movies with my friends and when I saw there was a senior discount, I thought they were talking about ME.  True story.  See how smart I was by the time I graduated?

The graduation / senior chatter continued the other day when I heard some radio personalities talking about senior portraits and a website that is dedicated to the worst ones of all time.  You know I had to look them up, right?  And you know I have to post some here so you could see them too, right?  Naturally. 
Pictures:  courtesy of collegehumor.com and ebaumsworld.com 
Captions containing post high school predictions: courtesy of Moi. 

Pedro got a little cocky after he was voted President.  He did, however, make all of their dreams come true:

Once Tristan's audition for Clash of the Titans went awry he passed his time waiting tables at Chili's:

In a couple more years he'll be singing backup for Menudo:

Jeffrey Dahmer?  Is that you?

Hang Hunan became a regular contributor to the Fans of Pokemon website and holds weekly anime rallies in his basement:

Ring In His Nose's mother promised him this wouldn't end up in the yearbook.  It did.  We're pretty sure he went back to the reservation after that.

Rick never made it to the NFL.  He still attends the high school football games.

Ronnie is now 42.  He has never had a girlfriend but he has seen "Sixteen Candles" so he's halfway there.  He's hoping to find his soul mate at the next Comic-Con convention.

Eric drowned in the Caribbean.  He forgot to shut his mouth and take off the tux.  His parents were devastated.

Batman Ran For His Grandpa

As I've mentioned before, running is hard.  What I forgot to mention is that running in Boulder is not the same thing as running the same loop, day after day through my neighborhood.  Boulder, see, has a tendency to bring out the crazies and ups the entertainment factor by a mile (or SIX POINT TWO MILES as the case may be).  Don't get me wrong, running still sucks, but there's something about an Elvis impersonator singing "I'm All Shook Up" along the sidelines that encourages one to press on.

Monday was the day - our family set the alarm for 5am, caught the bus at 6am, pulled over on the freeway 1/2 hour later so a woman who took her pre-race hydrating routine very seriously could relieve a little pressure on her bladder, then arrived about an hour later at the starting line.  After a little stretching and a potty break we joined our heat and headed off.  Yay us!  That was the last time I saw my family until we reached the finish.  Samantha ran ahead, Drew and Cory stayed together, and I pulled up the rear.  I had to, so I could take pictures of Elvis - while he was asking me to love him tender I asked him to "say cheese!" 

The Video I Plan On Watching Into The Night

You guys, on a scale of one to Oceanology! this is Charlie Bit My Finger and Double Rainbow All The Way! combined.  Watch this, and you'll be forever changed.  Anita, I could kiss you on the mouth for bringing this to my attention!

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

Where Awesome Is Relative

Some recent self esteem boosters:

• I got a call from a friend whose daughter was working on a school project about fame.  Her voice was excited, “Vern!  I found your celebrity twin!  Have you ever seen Ugly Betty?”

•  My kids are better than I am, and I’m not just saying that disparagingly.  They are smarter, they work harder, and they’re more goal-oriented.  Hard as I try to preach mediocrity as a purer law, they’re not buying it.  I’m happy for them, actually, until something happens and I point out how they are making me look bad and Samantha says, “Well Mom, maybe you’d better step up your game,” then I just feel like an idiot.

• A couple of weeks ago I stood in the entryway of a woman’s home who had just lost her husband.  We were waiting for her to finish a phone call in the other room as I gripped flowers and a casserole with one hand and thrust the other in my pocket.  What the…?  My fingers came in contact with something squishy and as I pulled my hand out it was covered in chocolate, the product of a hoarded Reese’s chocolate Easter egg long since forgotten.  What’s a girl to do?  Oh well, nothing says “I’m sorry for your loss” like licking chocolate off my fingers as a grieving woman rounds the corner. 

• For Mother's Day I got a little box full of written messages from Drew that he had made in his Sunday School class.  One slip of paper encouraged him to finish the sentence, "My favorite memory about my mom's childhood is_________" to which he wrote, "when she went hip hop dancing in a bar." 

• Samantha is very proud of the fact that she takes after her Dad in most things.  From her eye color to her even temperament she is cut from her father’s mold.  The other night as we were getting ready to take a run around the lake we started discussing shoes.  “So Mom,” Samantha asked, “do you have neutral or support shoes?”  I answered, “neutral” and then she moved on to Cory who reported, “support”.  “Well,” she said, “just one more thing I take after Dad on.”  I casually asked, “Samantha, did you get anything from me?”   She replied, “Yeah, you know how you get really excited about doing something and then you never really finish it?  I think I get that from you.”  *cough*cough* And then who do you suppose came in last on our 5 mile run?  Hey, AT LEAST I FINISHED.

 I guess it could be worse, I could be a yodeling ventriloquist in the Miss America pageant: 

Done. But Not Really.

I apologize in advance to those of you who may not speak my religious language, but those of you who do who have been following me for the last couple of years might be interested to know that I was released from my calling as Relief Society President on Sunday.  Many have asked me how it feels, if it is bittersweet – the reality and perhaps the irony is that the biggest thing I feel…is RELIEF.

It turns out that shouldering the burden of 100 women is rather intimidating and sometimes difficult because, have you heard?  Life is hard.  For EVERYBODY.  At first I wondered if I would be able to care about that many people; we had just barely moved at the time and most of these people were complete strangers to me.  Could I actually love and serve virtual strangers in a meaningful way?  Well, a funny thing happens when God asks you to do something and you say yes, because it was impossible not to. 

I feared the “big” stuff the most.  Funerals, divorces, hospital stays, abuse – I encountered all of it.  But more than that I learned that behind every door, was something.  Every mother wants a good life for her kids, every woman wants to be seen for who she is, every wife wants her home to be a safe haven; we all want the same things but the curve balls sometimes hit below the belt and we get thrown.  The trial is knowing we can’t always fix it, the blessing is being able to surround each other when things go wrong, and the hope is that God keeps his promises.  In spite of all of it, the one thing I witnessed over and over again is that Heavenly Father loves His children.  He “will not leave you comfortless”, He knows how to “succor his people", and we keep moving because of the promise of the joy.  That's how Jesus got through it:  "Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross...." (Hebrews 12:2)  

This calling blessed my life.  I met wonderful women, observed countless acts of kindness, saw miracles happen in people's lives, and prayed mightily for miracles in others' lives.  But in the end, no matter who we are or what we are asked to do it's not ultimately about us, it's about HIM.  How HE loved, how HE served, how HE sacrificed, and that everything good we do honors that, and honors Him.

And that was my biggest lesson.

Show Me A Sign Part II

(continued from yesterday…)


I was a little surprised when Cory talked about the Rapture happening on May 21st. I hadn’t heard anything about it, likely due to the fact that I watch Oprah instead of the news and blog instead of reading the newspaper. I was alarmed to learn that one gentleman invested his entire life savings of $140,000 into promoting the end of the world through billboards because let’s face it, come tomorrow morning when his neighbors’ dog is still barking, his fridge is still full of moldy cheese and the new season of The Bachelorette is still set to air he’s going to be like, “Crap. I should have bought that investment property in Florida.”  Then after Cory brought it up we passed THIS sign along the freeway.  It's like it was listening to us!  Weird.

Then again, what if he’s right? What if Jesus really is on His way? I think he might have a few questions for me and since I don’t want to go to hell I’d like to set a few things straight and issue a few apologies, just to be sure.

For starters I’d like to address my childhood friend, Diana: I am sorry I ditched you in 7th grade and became friends with the cool kids on the soccer team. I am a big fat jerk and will always treasure my memories of Mouse Trap and 52 pick up in your bedroom closet that had beads for a door. Also, tell your mom I’m sorry for digging that hole with you and peeing on the oak tree in your backyard. Just because it was your idea didn’t make it right. (Still. YOUR idea.)

Kevin: I spent eight years of my life with a mad crush on you, eight more years grateful that you never acted on it, and every year since feeling thankful you made peace with your demons and that you’re still alive. One time I faked an illness to leave a dance where your presence made me so nervous I decided to go home and Maria was so mad at me! That’s okay, Maria was always mad at me.

Speaking of Maria: You were my first friend to see my potential, the first (and only) one to force me to play Barbies, the first person whose phone number I gave out as my own when a boy I didn’t like asked for it (sorry), and the first person to let me use your dorm room phone so I could talk to my first boyfriend. Remember, the one who liked Physics more than me? Thanks for being there when Physics won.

Jill: Good news! The END is NEAR!

Mom: Imagine that I have boxed up all of my journals from my adolescence and set them on your porch with a big fat note that says “I’M SO SORRY.” Would that suffice?

Cory: The only time I’ve lied to you is when I secretly stashed money to surprise you with a trip to Hawaii - I think God will understand. I’m also kinda hoping that after the big quake tomorrow Denver will look a little more like those waterfalls in Kauai. Fingers crossed!

Samantha: I ate the rest of the ice cream. Not apologizing, just telling the truth. I think that’s what Jesus would want.

Drew: If you make it to heaven tomorrow and I am thrust down to hell, do come visit will you? And bring me some Cold Stone?

Ganelle: I’ll save you a seat.

Show Me A Sign

Driving down the road in Missouri last weekend Cory and I saw several signs along the way.  There we were, exploring Robin Hood Lane and talking about how nice it must be to live where real live trees grow when suddenly we passed a blur of red, white and blue in someone's field.  It was so random I turned around and went back to get a picture:

I guess if you live on 50 acres and have room to put something like that, in a field next to a wood pile along a road that only 3 people a day drive on seems as logical a place as any...?  What I really want to know is if anyone has ever watched Glenn Beck because of seeing this sign, because if this stuff really works I've got some scrap wood in my garage and I'll get crackin' on my "Hugh Jackman For PTO President" billboard.  I would totally volunteer at my kid's school then.

This van was covered with hopeful and uplifiting messages:

 

 I don't even know who this guy is "talking" to.  How do I know he's a guy?  Because I worked in a Congressman's office for a summer and we got regular mail from a crazed constituent who had this exact handwriting.  I'm pretty sure it's him.

Hey!  Look at this cute couple!

We kept driving (our destination was 3 hours from the airport so we did a lot of that) and as we searched for topics to fill the time Cory said, "Hey, did you know the world is ending on May 21st?"  (to be continued...)

Breakfast

I guess I didn't "allow for expansion"

Our Waitress Was An "Angel"

Thanks to awesome in-laws, the Mister and I had a rare opportunity to go away together this weekend. A co-worker of Cory’s was getting married in Missouri and his company offered to pay for me to accompany him. Good news: free trip with the Mister! Bad news: in Missouri! It’s best to focus on the positive.

Some highlights:

Did you know that Cory is 6’3” and walks 76 mph? This comes in really handy when you have to walk 3 miles to get to your airline terminal. In the rain. Which reminds me, doesn’t Kate Middleton have to walk a few paces behind Prince William when they are in public? Which is to say, Cory treats me like a princess.

I met my first TSA employee that I didn’t hate. Here’s a hint for getting on my good side: when I walk up to you and hand you my boarding pass and ID and you greet me with, “Hey gorgeous!” I will likely find it easier to raise my arms and let you feel me up while checking for switchblades.

Our flight was delayed 3 hours so we decided to grab dinner in the airport. Our waitress’ name was “Angel”; she had feathers in her hair and called me “hon” numerous times. She was delightful but I’m always suspicious of women who call me “hon”. You can work at TSA and call me “gorgeous” all you want, but somehow a woman calling me hon screams, “I’m a chain smoker with very few friends, if I bring you 7 refills will you please like me?”

There are certain advantages to attending a wedding in a town with a population of 267. Not only does the whole town show up, but one woman broke out her best hairpiece for the occasion even though it didn’t match her natural hair. It looked like a squirrel that got stuck in a bad perm and nobody even cared. Another gentleman got out his Sunday best in the form of jeans and an American flag shirt and graced the 3rd row. Nobody blinked, probably because everyone was too moved listening to Randy Travis over the speakers while we waited for the bride.

Driving down the road I saw a sign for the “Big Rock Church and Cemetery”. Does anyone else see that as a conflict of interest? He is risen! You are dead! Let’s pray.

The “Hookers Bar & Grill” also caught my eye. There’s a lot of fishermen in Missouri. Can you imagine if Hookers and Hooters got together and joined forces? Whooboy. I don’t think I’d be comfortable ordering hot wings from a place like that. (“I said a side of “ranch” not “wench!”)

Cory swallowed a toothpick at the wedding buffet. We were afraid he might puncture a lung during the digestive phase but he’s made it two days now so we’re thinking he’s out of the woods. (As to whether the “woods” are out of him…we can neither confirm nor deny.)

All in all, a weekend with Cory, no matter where we go is still my favorite.

455

Remember the good ol’ days when people would ask, “Are you a blogger?” and you’d be like, “Is it necessary to resort to name-calling?”  I didn’t even know what it was until a neighbor enlightened me, and from then on I’ve been hooked.  My neighbor is what I would refer to as a blogging pioneer, kind of how Survivor is to reality TV – she’s been at it since before the Olsen twins started wearing eyeliner.

I’ve only been at this since the beginning of 2007, but today marks my 455^th post here on Rabbit In The Headlights.  Now, some of you (all of you?) are wondering what is so special about the number 455.  Why not highlight #400?  Or wait until I reach 500?  Well, probably for the same reason Paul Reiser started one of his books on page 145.  Which is no reason really, other than I feel like it.  Besides, I think you would be surprised how significant number 455 really is.  For example, did you know that there’s a 17-year-old kid who dead lifted 455 pounds of weights and then posted it on YouTube?  Or that Oldsmobile once made a car called a 455 Rocket?  And did you know that the book Altar of Bones is 455 pages long?  You think that’s just coincidence?!  Whatever, you probably still think Elvis is dead.  

At any rate, a lot of people write stuff on their blogs to commemorate landmark posts but I’m not going to do that.  I will not be writing down 455 things I’ve learned, 455 things I’ve done, or 455 topics I’ve addressed.  I will not be asking you to leave 455 comments or tell me 455 things you like about me (not even possible for the Creator Himself on His best day), but I just wanted you to know – I think this is a big deal.  It’s a big deal because other than marriage and self loathing I haven’t committed to ANYthing for this long.  I think it’s a sign of great things to come.

I have a really good feeling about the number 824….

I Cracked My Tooth On A Raisin

Life is amping up over here at Casa de Vern.  There's so much to talk about!  I haven't even told you about my very first Weight Watchers meeting last week, how I spent the weekend in Utah to see my brother-in-law get baptized (SO. COOL.), that I cracked a huge chunk off my back molar while eating trail mix and had to get a crown at the dentist (and how disappointed I was to learn that being crowned doesn't even involve a tiara or bowing of any kind), or how I saw an Ikea for the first time.  I haven't had time to mention my conversation with a dead moose, Drew trying to make Cory cry (epic fail), having 220 unread posts in my Google Reader, or how standing in line at the BYU Creamery for my double scoop of Raspberry Cream Cheese and German Chocolate Cake ice cream felt like waiting for the pearly gates to open.  (Spoiler alert:  They did open, and I did see angels.  The thing about angels is they don't have to wear white.  Sometimes they were blue aprons with hot fudge stains, and that's okay by me.) 

I'm not sure if I'll ever get to any of these topics but in the meantime, I'm guest posting over here today at The Peanut Gallery Speaks.  Go ahead, click on the link and then have yourself a beautiful weekend. 

Or As The Italians Say, "Cenerentola"

My decision to accompany my son on his field trip to the opera this week was based on two main factors; one, since this is his final year of elementary school this would probably be my last opportunity to chaperone a field trip.  To dwell excessively on this reality tends to trigger overeating so I will leave it at that.  Secondly, I have never been to an opera.  I’ve had my picture taken on a camel, dodged cars on a busy road led by a crazy Greek, danced with friends in a gay bar, and fallen asleep in a Physical Science class during a scintillating dissertation on the composition of tomatoes, but I have never been to an opera.  Good news:  I can scratch that off my list now.  More good news!  Now I never have to go again.

We saw Cinderella.  I thought this would prove helpful - I already knew this story so it would make it easier to follow along in Italian.   Also on my side was my experience with Spanish, which parallels Italian so if someone were to drop a, “si!” or a, “no!” I would totally know what they were saying and have a leg up on everyone else.  (Did I just say I’m trying to get “a leg up” on a mezzanine full of elementary schoolers?  Not to worry, getting a life is on my list of things to do after seeing an opera so I can get to that next.)  As it was, however, a gentleman came on stage to make some clarifications before the show began.

“In this particular interpretation, there will not be a stepmother, but a stepfather.”

Whatever, I can roll with that.

“And instead of a fairy godmother there will be a dude in a grey suit with no personality who doesn’t even sing ‘Bippidy-Boppidy-Boo’.”  (Or something like that.)

No fairy godmother?  What’s next, no glass slipper?

“And instead of a glass slipper the Prince will have to find Cinderella by trying to match a bracelet.”

This was getting out of hand.

The emcee further explained that at the time this opera was written it was considered scandalous for a woman to show her ankles, so they used a bracelet.  Right then and there I vowed that if I ever mastered time travel my first order of business would be taking Lady Gaga to the opera in Italy in 1817.  Just for kicks.

Alas, I did not love this experience.  It’s not that the singers weren’t talented, it’s just that their chests were heaving with so much exertion that I kept waiting for a lung to fly out of someone’s mouth and hit me in the face and I had a hard time getting excited about that.  Adding to my disappointment, Cinderella and the Prince never even indulged in a reasonable kiss – they just stood there holding hands across from each other and belted out words like “bellisima” and “amore” while spit flew everywhere.  Is that any way to tell your soul mate you love them?  Like the Italians say, “No!” (Now I’m just showing off.)

At any rate, I concluded that the opera and I were not meant to be together.  It’s okay if you don’t agree with me, but if you DO disagree I suspect you also have more books than the library of congress, wear tweed on the weekends and smoke a lot of cigars.  Am I wrong?  No matter, at least I’ve crossed it off my list.  But if I ever have to choose a do-over, I’m picking the photo op on the camel – hands down.