Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Please, Don't Ask

The way I see it, there are basically two kinds of shoppers. Those who strike up conversations with their cashiers at check out and those who don't. You know what I mean. The person ahead of you has all of their bags filled and in the cart, their bill is paid, and it's clearly the appropriate time to take your rightful place at the head of the line. But this person is so convinced that the cashier is hanging on their every word about their recent bout with the flu that they start to throw in the story about how their Aunt Ruth ruined their wedding day when in a moment of drunk weakness she tried to convince the groom he had made a mistake. You move up slowly, trying to close the gap and send a clear message that their time is up while making mental notes such as, "Dude, I think your Aunt Ruth was on to something."

I am not a question asker or a life story revealer in grocery lines. I'm more of a get in, get out, don't ask, don't tell type. But the stores and gas stations are making it increasingly difficult for people like me. The other day I had to go to Wal Mart and the gas station back to back. (Spare me the envy over my exhilerating life.) At the checkout I was asked, as usual, "Did you find everything okay?" to which I was incredibly tempted to reply, "There seem to be no Dove chocolate IV drips in the candy aisle. I mean, are you SUPER WAL-MART or NOT?" Instead I said, "Yep." Because that's how I work once I have reached this part of my shopping journey. I am committed to getting out. Even if it's a lie and I did not in fact find everything I needed, because if I say "No" then the mananger gets paged, and she is either at lunch or in the middle of her "English as a second language" training class, and people are waiting.

And they are adding more questions all the time.
Before I even swipe my card the machine already wants to know, "Did your cashier greet you today?" I know it only takes two seconds, but I am annoyed by this manipulation of my time. I answer "yes" whether it's true or not because as crazy as this makes me, I don't want anyone getting yelled at.
"Would you like to donate a dollar to the Children's Miracle Network?" A delightful organization and worthy of at least one if not more of my dollars, but really, I just came for milk.
"Were you happy with your overall service?" It's a yes or no question. There is no room to write how nice it would be to actually have the blue vested employees know how to answer my burning questions about the location of ice melt, chicken bouillion, and Trivial Pursuit. I answer "yes" anyway. On to the gas station where the display at the pump asks more questions than a first date:
Will this be debit or credit?
Are you paying inside or outside?
Would you like a car wash?
If so, what kind? Please be prepared to distinguish between deluxe, ultimate, and "the works".
How about some hot coffee?
What's your zip code?
Would you like a receipt?
How about fries?
Click here to link to where we can hook you up with other awesome customers who get gas here too!

At the end of it all, I ironically wish for one more question that asks, "Would you like us to leave you the heck alone?" to which I would answer a resounding, "yes", and for once it would be the truth.


Heather said...

You are so entertaining!!!

Rachey said...

This is what I love about you, we all have these experiences and want to write about them but can't think of just exactly how. And you do it so magnificently! Can I start paying you to transcribe my stories and make them as brilliantly funny as yours?

Vanessa said...

ok so Rachel....I just said that exact thing to Greg this morning. And I quote myself, "Greg your sister is freaking hilarious." I think I might have sensed a tiny bit of funny envy from him. After a rather rough and forgettable full week of PMS I realized I needed to I of course go to Kristy's blog. Why it been over two weeks since I've done this I don't know but it truly is therapy for me. Thanks Kris!....oh and since we're on the subject of honesty....I really think Rachel, you should change the whole racheypooh thing. For some reason it makes my fanny pucker...but I'll love ya regardless....well...kind of:)

Randi said...

Very funny post!
I just skip all those Walmart questions. If you ignore them they go away.... Unlike my whiny teenagers.

Anonymous said...

AMEN, Sistah!

Vern said...

I could listen to you guys all day long! And did you say "funny envy"? From GREG?? The Greg who won 40K on The Price Is Right and called Bob Barker "Roberto" after doing the "worm" on stage when his name was called and who has done voice overs for animated movies because he's so funny? THAT Greg? Best compliment ever.

Sherise said...

Serious funny envy going on over here, too!

Anonymous said...

Fanny Pucker?? I can't get that out of my head. The thing that really makes me go ARGH!!! is when people write a check. And if they are really old people then it takes FOREVER! Go debit people please.


Rachey said...

I know this is so juvenile, but I couldn't resist. Is this better Vanessa?

Vanessa said...

Much better...there will no longer be any puckering:)

Anonymous said...

This is the mother of Vern, the grandmother of Racheypooh/racheyfart, and the mother in law of Vanessa, Mother of you have any idea of how many of my 'old' friends read these blogs? YIKES!

Lucas said...

you bet. your t-shirt is being sent to you soon.

oh, I'm sorry i meant to say:

Yo! What it is? Yo t-shizzle is on it's rizzle fo shizzle mah nizzle!!


Anonymous said...

sometimes the comments are just about as funny as your blog. Not quite, but close

Aimee said...

Blog and comments made me wet myself. That's what having two children late in life will do to you.

I had a similar experience at U.S. Customs yesterday. My lovely husband "picked" the line with a talker that took 15 minutes to get done. UGH!!

Vanessa said...

You don't have to have children late in life to have that happen:)