False advertising

I was serious when I've mentioned that I have underwear older than my oldest child. She is 11. How can I be sure these underwear are older than she is? Because they are maternity, and I wore them through both pregnancies, which means I purchased them with the first. And yes, sometimes I still wear them. Because what was a cute little pooch over a decade ago as a result of creating another human life is now a not so cute little pooch as a result of what that did to me. And possibly too many Oreos when we go camping. Whatever, I am so giving myself 1,000 blogger points for all that.

I am the same way with bras. I was listening to the radio the other day and they were talking about women and their bras and for the love of all that is good why do they have so many??? They went on to say that the average woman rotates through approximately 5 or 6 bras throughout the week and that they are only built to last around six months. SIX MONTHS?? Are you kidding me? My thirteen-year-old sports bra might have something to say about that. Then again, that bra is about as effective as wrapping cheesecloth around my chest with dental floss, so maybe there's something to that.

The point is, I'm just one of those people who doesn't think about buying new undergarments regularly. But a few weeks ago I found myself in the women's lingerie department and thought, "Huh. New underwear. I think it's time." I was so excited; I brought them home and unwrapped the package and held them up. Confused, I double-checked the packaging and verified that these were indeed intended for a full grown adult and not pre-pubescent Barbie. While it's true that I didn't spend the eight hours necessary to read all the different labels for the kinds of bun encompassing options available to me, I still thought I had made a somewhat educated choice. But recognizing that I do not speak panty language fluently, I studied the packaging to try and discover where I went wrong. It seems only right to pass this on to any others who lack the fluency as well.

Here's what they SAY:
"Fabric-wrapped ComfortSoft® waistband is our most comfortable waistband ever!"
Here's what it MEANS:
Elastic is overrated. The all day wedgie is our friend.
What they SAY:
"Soft cotton-rich knit stretches for flawless fit."
What it MEANS:
"You're too fat. We've decided to work with it while throwing in the word 'flawless', hoping you don't catch on."
What they SAY:
"Cute hipster cut combines low-rise waist with non-binding brief-style legs."
What it MEANS:
"Really, these are mainly for people like the hired models we feature on our packaging. If that isn't you, we hope you still somehow believe that if you buy these panties you will be tricked into thinking you look like that when YOU wear them."
What they SAY:
"Sexy bikini styling makes the most of your curves."
What they MEAN:
"Curves" is the new "Big-boned". We hear the Dove campaigns are making a killing on this and we want in.
What they SAY:
"Classic brief cut offers full coverage, front and back."
What it MEANS:
"Your Grandma called. She wants her underwear back."