Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Unfit Primary President

In my defense it had been a very long day.

Wait. Let’s start at the beginning. I am not what most would consider a “kid person”. One of the things I hated most when I was younger was getting a phone call and hearing on the other line, “Hi Vern, (uh oh – it’s not one of my friends) this is Mrs. Christianson/Smith/Johnson (No. No no no. Noooo!) and I was just wondering (Hurry up! You know what’s coming! Quick, think of something that you’re doing on Saturday!) if you could babysit this Saturday? (You should call my sister. She loves babysitting and kids adore her.) We already asked Suzi and she can’t do it so we wondered if YOU were available?” (Doh.) “Uh, sure Mrs. Christianson/Smith/Johnson.” (Man, I have GOT to get myself a boyfriend!)

Luckily, I have softened quite a bit since becoming a parent. So much so that for the last several months I have been helping a friend of mine watch a couple of her daycare kids twice a week. One of them has eyelashes the length of the Nile and I tell you what, when that 3-year-old boy looks up at me and says, “My Kristy? I LOVE you!” I would give him ice cream for lunch every day if he asked for it. Nevertheless, I’m not particularly skilled in the arena of young children. I mostly want them to play by themselves, get their own snacks, and take 4 hour naps. So, you can imagine how I took it when my church asked me a few years ago if I would be the President over all the children at church (we call it “Primary”) between the ages of 18 months – 11 years. While I can’t be certain about this, it’s probably a little like asking Joran Van Der Sloot if he will babysit your kittens. However, against my better judgment I agreed to take on the challenge and commenced my tenure as President over the Primary and things were going rather well. My favorite moment was when a young girl stepped up to the pulpit to say a prayer and she said, “And please bless us that we can have treats every time.”  I know how she feels.

Several months into that gig I decided to have some friends over for a dinner party. I wanted it to be nice. I wanted the food to be really good, and I wanted to try something new. So I got online, researched a few recipes and settled on one called Almond Apricot Stuffed Pork Tenderloin. Shazam! Now. The recipe called for two tablespoons of bourbon, and as a commitment to my faith I have agreed never to drink alcohol. I read the recipe carefully and determined that the alcohol would burn off before being ingested so I determined to move forward and headed to a big liquor store down the street to purchase my ingredient. Honest to goodness, this was my first time in a liquor store. It was like sending an Amish kid to Prom. I stood there with my eyes open wide, not sure where to even begin. I didn’t want to buy some huge thing of bourbon when I only needed 2 tablespooons! Then I noticed near the checkout area that they sold small shots of different liquors. A-ha! This was the ticket. I wasn’t sure if one shot would do it, so I bought two. I threw both of them in my purse and as it turned out, one was the exact amount I ended up needing so I sort of forgot about the 2nd one that still tossed around at the bottom of my purse.

Until I was at church.

In the Primary Room.

And while rummaging around for a pen I went, “Wait, what’s this?” and pulled out my 2nd little bottle of bourbon in front of the other women that I worked with. “Oh! Wait, I can explain….”

And that’s the story about the Primary President getting caught with alcohol at church.

30 comments:

Jill said...

I can't believe I ever left my children in your care :)

Carly Richardson said...

Hahahahahaha!!! Oh my gosh. You are the most fantastic thing to ever happen to this world.

Heather said...

And to think I've been idolizing you for years.... and this only ups your cool factor!

jksfam said...

Uh, huh! Likely story... ;) So funny! And I really miss you!

the emily said...

Ha! I love it.

So for my 18th birthday I made this birthday list that included "2 pina coladas (I was listening to Garth Brooks at the time), a bottle of Jack Daniels, and 'your best bottle of wine.'" My dad was stake president, by the way, so it was all just a joke. My mom was in Texas helping my brother and his wife who had just had a baby and flew home on my birthday. On the flight she thought, "I should order a tiny bottle of Jack Daniels to give to Emily for her birthday." So, on her 8 am flight, my 58-year-old mother ordered Jack Daniels. The stewardess kindly brought her a SHOT. At 8 am. I still wish I could've seen my mom's face when she set the shot down on her tray. Anyway, she set them straight, they gave her a little bottle, and lo and behold, I got Bacardi pina colada mix (which I made, YUM, sans rum), a bottle of Jack Daniels, and even a small bottle of wine. My dad was horrified. They sat unopened in my room for the next 5 years until I got married, when I threw them away. My friends thought I had the coolest mom ever (but were disappointed I wouldn't let them open it).

Vern said...

the emily: your mom is my new favorite!!

Vennesa said...

It didn't work though, if they made you RS president after that anyway!:)

Colorado Oldroyds said...

I thought all Primary Presidents were pushed to drinking.;) I think we should check Jenn's purse this week.

~j. said...

Can I borrow it for Nursery?

Patty Ann said...

I love it! I feel the same way when I have used it for cooking. We try to keep it hidden from the kids and I use substitutes whenever possible. There are several out there. I have never carried it in my purse though. (Now I will make sure that I never do!)

Karen said...

I mostly like that you consider your callings "gigs". Because, of course, you're a rock star.

Bakeshow said...

Ba HAhahahahahha!!!!!

Kristin said...

Likely story!

Kristin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mormonhermitmom said...

ROTFLOL So did that get you released? Or did they forgive you?

ganelle said...

Wait, you DID give my 4 year old ice-cream for lunch. And he loves you for it.

Stephanette said...

Mybiggest fear is that they'llcall me to Primary and now that I've put that out there-well, I'm doomed!

rocslinger said...

Well, you might have covered by calling it an object lesson.

Have you heard how a certain sister tried to get my wife and I drunk?

rocslinger said...

Someone could make a small fortune by bottling alcohol for the cooking needs of LDS members. maybe put a disclaimer on the bottle, like, "the contents of this bottle is for cooking only and should not be used for ingestion or cleaning of wounds."

Shoebox Princess said...

My own kids called me out and tsk-tsked me in a grocery store over a bottle of Martinelli's (which is non-alcoholic) simply because it looked like it was in a wine-shaped bottle. (I don't know how they would recognize a wine bottle)

Mom of Three said...

Ha Ha Hee Hee!!! I could sooo see that happenen'!

Paige said...

And how was the pork? Worth the special trip to the liquor store?

Kerri said...

I KNEW it! I dang well knew it was you. Hahahahahahahaha. Now that's a funny story.

Oh, and using alcohol in recipes, I have told you the story of when Kanoe made some banana flamba-something for us and we all got a little plastered, haven't I?????

Stefani said...

...then there was the time my saintly mother (former YW Pres, RS Pres, bishop's wife and RM) innocently spiked ALL the punch at a member/non-member wedding reception with Vodka. Bahahaha! It's good she has a good sense of humor - she will never live it down.

I love your story! I felt like an unfit primary pres. too, for all the reasons you mentioned, except the bourbon in the purse... lol.

ellen said...

Every ward needs a YOU!!

Stevenson's said...

that was on purpose for you to get released wasn't it? I knew it! What a great story

Susan said...

I think we all need that recipe!

Lani Wendt Young said...

I felt the same way when i got called to primary a hundred years ago....NOT A KID PERSON HELLO! Great post - are you sure you werent just angling to get released!?

Lani Wendt Young said...

I felt the same way when i got called to primary a hundred years ago....NOT A KID PERSON HELLO! Great post - are you sure you werent just angling to get released!?

Sue said...

I know this is an old post, but it made me laugh so hard I had to comment anyway.

Really funny!

=D