I Don't Think The Pioneer Children Sang As Much As We Think They Did

At the crisp, early dawn of 5:30 am today we dropped off our darling 14-year-old in a church parking lot. Outfitted in a purple calico print, her waist to ankle skirt shifted awkwardly around her middle and her matching bonnet extended as if to accommodate a command to “walk the plank”. From there she would board a bus to transport her and hundreds of other youth to the middle of Wyoming where they planned to set up camp and kick it old school. It is her very first Pioneer Trek.

For those unfamiliar, it is rather common among us Latter-Day Saints to pay homage to those who have gone before us by retracing some of the steps of our pioneer ancestors. Some say it is a life changing experience, others say it is hot. To be fair, I cannot weigh in with authority as it has never been my lot privilege to participate. Nevertheless, I think we all know where I would come down. (Hey, don’t judge. I’m VERY sensitive to the heat.) One thing is for sure, it is not enough to don a pair of jeans and some sunglasses for this journey. No, in order to create an authentic experience it is believed that one must also wear authentic clothing. Seems noble, doesn’t it? I don’t know, let’s ask these ladies.

First of all, I think the most awesome thing that could occur right now is if you happen to be the woman in this picture and you are reading this blog. So help me, if you are that woman, please please PLEASE send me an email and I will promptly mail you half a pound of some legit horehound candy. (Let’s be real: I think we’re all relieved there’s no ‘w’ in ‘horehound’, are we not?) (Ideally I would have posted a picture of my daughter in her outfit, but I’m in the business of trying to gain her trust and seeing as I JUST got her to divulge the name of her current crush, I’m not about to blow it by plastering close ups of her “What Not To Wear” before photo.) Second of all, I’m pretty sure that lady is NOT reading this so with fingers crossed I’d like to share what I think about this picture. The way I see it, this woman ended up modeling pioneer clothing in one of three ways. Either she is, a) a struggling model still searching for her big break, b) a friend or family member of the person who runs this website or, c) someone with a sordid past who is being blackmailed. (Either you pose in this bonnet or I’ll send THESE pictures to The “Enquirer”! [she yells through her tears] Fine! I’ll do it! But this is the LAST! TIME!) If the answer is “a”, I’d like to say…good luck with that. If the answer is “b”, well then good for you because now somebody is eternally in your debt. As for “c”, don’t be naïve. You had to know those pictures would come back to haunt you. Oh well, one thing is for sure; I don’t care how fast that chick can churn butter she’s not getting a date in the 21st century.