Saturday, March 7, 2009

On Dr. Phil, Prison, and Michael Jackson

There was a time when I was highly entertained by Dr. Phil. There's just not a lot of people who can say stuff like, "Happier than a dog with two peters" and then walk out the door with a check for a million dollars for that week's work. I have to respect that, seeing as that's MY plan for getting rich. But I got tired, and his guests got weird, and I'm SOSICKANDTIRED of him and his wife using themselves as examples of how to do things right.
"Robin, how on earth did you lose that last five pounds?"
"I stopped eating Hot Tamales."
"Dr. Phil, how on earth did you raise such nice boys?"
"Don't ask me, I'm a workaholic."
"WELL, we don't allow burping at the dinner table."
"So what you're saying is, your sons are no fun at a party?"
"That's right."
"How did your lame book sell so many copies?"
"Funny story. I married a bald man who got his own TV show."

ANYway. After years without Dr. Phil echoing throughout my living room, I got caught up in an episode yesterday. It was about two teenage boys with very bad habits so they decided to do an intervention by sending the boys to the San Quentin Penitentiary as a wake up call to say, "Dudes, this is where you're headed if you don't cut it out." Field Trip! Remember to pack a sack lunch! P.S. No forks or spoons. So at one point the boys were getting a tour of the cells, and as they came out they were confronted by a cell mate exiting from an adjacent room. He was a black guy, and the kid was white. The black guy got in his face and said, "You're lucky there's cameras and police around here, because if this was just you and me, I'd have you for lunch. Black people and white people don't get along in prison."

He laughed when the kid said he had black friends at home, and went on to educate him about life in prison, and how it "ain't the same", and laughed at him some more when the white kid called him "Dude". They pointed out different sections of the outside areas - one for hispanics, one for whites, and one for blacks. Which got me thinking, if Michael Jackson ever goes to prison, who will decide what section he sits in? I could see that black guy getting in Michael's face and being all, "Skin condition my %@#!" and threatening to eat him for dessert after having the other guy for lunch. And then I bet Michael would try to get out of it by starting to dance and sing, "Because I'm BAD, I'm BAD, really really BAD..." but then I bet that guy would educate Michael about how dancing and singing might be popular out "there", but "it ain't the same in prison." And then I'm really hoping Michael would leave out his signature pelvic thrust because come on, his life would be soooooo over after that.


emily said...

I am DYING. Man that's funny.

My husband and his brother played football at San Quentin prison last year. His brother was on a team that played the good inmates once a week and my husband went to visit one week and played. He said it was fun, and the guys were really nice. Maybe Michael could hang out with those guys?

JustRandi said...

Yeah, I'm not sure when I stopped watching Dr Phil, but it was quite awhile ago.
He went from "entertaining", to "what the crap?" in about 3 shows right in a row at some point in 2007 or whatever.

But now you've got me wondering about prison life. I mean, what do they do with people like Rhianna, or Halle Berry, who are half black and half white?
Also Jessica Alba or Christina Aguilara, who are both half hispanic.

Maybe there's a whole section for people who are --- you know---
A little bit country, and a little bit rock and roll.

Vanessa said...

ooooh crack me up.

Stephanette said...

That post was really funny and Randi just added to the mental image I've got going on here. Maybe I'm just sleep deprived, but now I've spent time categorizing every celebrity I can think of while I nursed my son.

greg said...

Snap..Emily, I think it's fantastic that your brothers played football against inmates..but it brings up a whole new set of questions. Like, how far do you have to go to get a 'roughing the passer' penalty..and if someone 'shanks' a field goal, are any sharp metal objects involved? What an experience.

superpaige said...

I'm Bad! Thank you. Now, I have that song in my head.

Kira said...

You are one of the great thinkers of our age. That should totally come with an honorary title. Or something.

Rachel said...

It is my (strict!) policy to avoid anything that Oprah likes. Which is actually harder than it sounds because I also have a strict policy to NEVER EVER watch Oprah. EVER. But Dr. Phil's show was a clear-cut violation of both policies. So that was easy.

I have also been able to avoid a lot of bad books and stupid diets. You should try it!

Mom of Three said...

So agree about the Dr. Phil thing! I can't stand how they keep on pretending to be such a happy couple. If only the question about Michael could be answered, the world would be a better place...

Lorie said...

Aaaww, come on! I'm dying. They cut Dr. Phil off of our Dish Network and YOU know how much I loved that show. I swear, your mind works in mysterious, very warped ways...thoughs about Michael Jackson's pelvic thrusts... :) I'm sure he would quickly become some guy's girlfriend.

Kerri said...

At this point, I'm not even sure Micheal Jackson is a "real boy". And have you thought about how his nose might fall off at some point? I've read he's had so many surgeries on it, that's how degraded his skin is and it does slough off occasionally. Did I spell that right - slough off?

Meg said...

Only you could have gone from Dr. Phil to Michael Jackson. Is that genius or insanity??

Vern said...

meg: what can i say? it's a gift.

Mortensen Baby Farm said...

After wiping my eyes from laughing so hard I had to comment and tell you I think you are hilarious! I think you should pitch to Hollywood that a reality show should be in the works after Michael goes to jail.

Then you would be rich - cuz you know I am gonna watch! Plan in play sista!

Meg said...


Oh my gosh I think that might be the first.


Pancake said...

you are dang funny girl! I never thought about poor Micheal in jail, deciding if he is white or black! And his little thrust, well, he would be quite popular!