Sunday, June 21, 2009

Thanks For The Mammaries

"For my sister’s 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram."
~ Steven Wright

A year ago my doctor encouraged me to get my first mammogram. I politely took a card for a clinic he recommended, then came home and discarded it into my pile of “Things To Do After Napping Gets Old” where it got lost among my petitions for school volunteering opportunities, bills and Michael’s coupons. At my recent visit, he was more insistent. “Did you get a mammogram yet? You need to get a mammogram. Here’s a place where you can get a mammogram. Will you go get a mammogram? YOU ARE OLD NOW, PROMISE ME YOU’LL MAKE AN APPOINTMENT FOR A MAMMOGRAM.” Not since my honeymoon had I encountered anyone so consumed with an activity concerning my breasts. He was so adamant about it that I began to feel as if ignoring him would be a serious mistake resulting in chemotherapy, so I came home and promptly made an appointment. I went on Friday.

I would like to start by saying that I was told a mammogram is not painful. I can’t remember who told me this, but I suspect whoever it was had shot up with heroin before their appointment, because nobody in their right freakin’ mind would say that a mammogram doesn’t hurt unless they have lightly coated their veins with an illegal substance first. “Take a deep breath and hold it,” the Nazi boob mutilator friendly lab technician instructed. This coaching proved to be unnecessary because, as it turns out, holding your breath comes naturally when someone is trying to extract your spleen out of your nipple in the name of early detection. The good news? I now know for a fact that I would look awesome with a neck lift.

Still, I can’t help but think that the Tower of London really missed out on this technology. And to THINK what Jack Bauer could do with this machine – the possibilities are endless. His female nemesis would be all, “I TOLD you Jack, I haven’t lactated in over a DECADE!” He’d crank it tighter, “TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!”

I don’t know, this all sounded funnier in my head.

19 comments:

superpaige said...

And don't you love the little measurement device? What? My entire boob can squish to 8 centimeters? Are you freakin kidding me?

Oh, yeah, it's fun.

Glad you joined the big girls' club and manned up and got your mammogram.

Rachey said...

The title was all I needed, so funny.

jksfam said...

''Things to do after napping gets old.'' Too funny!!! I've had 2 or 3, and yes, it is painful!

Abigayle said...

I'm not looking forward to a mammogram at all!!! My Mom told me the same thing! Yikes!!! I'm so sorry that you had to go through that!

emily said...

DYING over the honeymoon comment. Hilarious.

Heather said...

Oh crap. I'm totally nervous, but this was so hilarious!

Ann said...

This is where all us flat chested women get our revenge. When there is nothing substantial there, pressing it into a pancake is not that big a deal. The other 364 days of the year - you still win.

beanstocks said...

What do you bet it was a man who invented the mammogram machine? ;) No woman in her right mind would think of that.

*katie* said...

Nope, it wasn't just funny in your head. I laughed out loud 3 times:)

Kerri said...

*I* told you it hurt! Hate them, hate them. Especially with a calcium deposit that causes them to try to crush my clavicle in there, too. Geesh!

Mindy Williams said...

I have a thing for Jack Bauer (as does any one who really watches the show, right?) and it almost made me want to have him give me a mammogram. Otherwise, I am glad that I am not as old as you are!

The Bergeson's said...

"Nazi boob mutilator". That is some funny shiz.

rocslinger said...

And that is one of a hundred reasons why I'm glad to be male.

jet said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jet said...

Okay, YOU are hilarious! Are you by chance small bosomed? I had my first mammogram last year, and, well, it was not painful. Perhaps that is because MY bosoms are more like tube socks, and they stretched just fine over to that machine to be smooshed. I had heard so much about it being painful that I decided it must only be painful for those of us fortunate enough not to be triple D's.

Lorie said...

I didn't think there was much there to "squish" together, anyway. Have you "developed" over the past couple years or something? I'm pretty sure they'd have to do a lot of digging to find anything in me to squish.

Suzanne said...

LOL, noticed the deleted comment... someone likes talking about boobs!!

Loved the honeymoon part, and the nazi nurse, lol!

JustRandi said...

You are hilarious!
I think mammogram technician is the secret career goal of anyone with an A cup.

It's their best revenge.

Garity said...

HAAAA HAAAAAA HAAAAAA! I just stubled across your blog again (from Ganelle's blog of course) and am so glad I did. I need to add you to my blog list because every time I journey over here you thoroughly entertain me.

I have yet to have a mammogram and since I am not only at the age where I should be getting them, I am also the older sister to a woman who had a double masectomy at the age of 18...yes I am an idiot. I have tried but I always seem to be lactating or pregnant. Crappy excuse but I AM religious about self exams which I hope will hold me over for a bit longer until baby #4 quits nursing.

You do need to update your blog though! I need all the entertainment I can get while living down here in Mexico.