Friday, December 28, 2012

I Can't Even Roll My R's



One of the concepts I've been taught throughout my life is if you want to exercise your faith, even if you don’t feel like you HAVE faith, you can simply start by WANTING to have faith.  Then, letting that desire work in you will eventually lead you to where you want to be.  That’s kinda how I feel about blogging right now.  I don’t feel like I have it in me to do it, but I WANT to do it.  So here I sit, trying to let that desire work in me to see if I can come up with anything to write.  My fingers feel rusty, my brain feels devoid of wit, wisdom, charm, or anything else that would invite you to sit and stay a while. 

Did you catch that joke I just made?  I just wrote that my brain was devoid of “charm” as if they were once well acquainted.  Charm is a word I guarantee will never appear on my epitaph.  The day I wax charming is the day Prince William passes gas at family dinner.  I don’t know why but I always think of the Royal Family when it comes to gas.  Did you know that the average person passes gas at least 14 times a day?  That’s a lot you guys, and while the Royal Family is anything but average they are still human.  So maybe for them it’s just 7 times a day.  Still.  Where do they go?  What do they do?  Are there aides who pack travel size Febreze in their pockets JUSTINCASE?  This is what I think about at night when I can’t sleep.  HOW DOES THE QUEEN LET ONE?!

Did you see how quickly I transitioned from “charming” to “royal (gas) pains?”  It’s a gift, people.  Moving on.  (How do you think this is going so far?)

Here’s something else.  A few months ago I was asked to accept a new responsibility in my church community and because I am so nice need something to counteract all the times I drop minor cuss words, I said “yes”.  If you speak Mormon I am a counselor in the Stake YW.  If you don’t speak Mormon it means I go to a lot of meetings, nod my head in support when the teenagers suggest pumpkin bowling for an activity, and periodically raise my hand to say, “How about instead of taking 500 youth to Wyoming to reenact the Pioneer trek to Salt Lake City we just make some foil dinners and watch Brokeback Mountain?  Wasn’t that a nice family western?”  I’m a very integral part of the process.

As part of this job I’m also responsible for occasionally speaking to other congregations.  Recently, for example, I had an assignment to speak in a Spanish Ward.  In other words, no speaky the English during their meeting.  In cases like this they would normally provide a translator for guest speakers such as myself.  That didn’t appeal to me, because it seemed like that would be too distracting for everyone involved.  So, I thought (first mistake), “Hey, I took Spanish in college twenty years ago, I’ll just speak in SPANISH!”

Here was the problem with that.  Nowhere in my talk did I need to tell them I was going to the library (la biblioteca!), or that I needed to buy some lettuce (lechuga!) and milk, or that the bathroom was “over there” (¡El baño está allá!).  And despite the fact that I know a good empanada, make Mexican hot chocolate all the time and have seen all 4 seasons of Ugly Betty, I realized that I was not, in fact, qualified to speak for 20 minutes about Jesus in Spanish. 

ENTER:  My nephew’s new, cute wife.  We had just come home from celebrating their wedding nuptials in Utah – she had just received permission to leave her native Mexico for America to marry my nephew.  She didn’t speak English, but she DID speak Spanish and my nephew spoke both.  They rescued me using their gifts of translation, and I delivered my talk as planned in Spanish.  For all I know I announced that I was pregnant and told them all they were going to @#!*% if they didn’t start worshiping false idols but I haven’t heard.  It’s probably best.

Well, this was fun.  Was it good for you too?  If not, try WANTING it to be good.  You gotta start somewhere.

16 comments:

Naomi said...

Muy bueno!

anitamombanita said...

impressionante!!! te quiero y ya pienso que eres muy divertido...para siempre!

And congrats on your new calling. Me too..ward YW pres...pumpkin bowling sounds amazing!

kjha said...

I always think of Hillary Clinton when I think about people passing gas.

kjha said...

I always think of Hillary Clinton when I think about people passing gas.

Our family said...

This stranger has missed you! Thanks for blogging again. And, for the record, I pass gas way more than 14 times a day. With me bringing the average up, the royal family can pass just twice a day and allow the world average to still be 14.

*katie said...

You put a nice big smile on my face, and in my opinion, that means you succeeded. I didn't even have to WANT it to be good. It just was :)

Valerie said...

It was very, very good for me! :)

Vennesa said...

It was very good. I've missed your posts, so keep wanting.

Bakeshow said...

Hooray! the Return of the Vern!

Soy excited...o!

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

It was a hoot for me, as your posts always are. I'm glad you decided to get back on the blog train. I feel your pain but if it's any consolation, it'll make me happy to read your posts in the new year. Happy, happy!

Emily Foley said...

I would almost rather die than work with the young women. I got released as primary president and cried for a week (although the fact that I've been sans calling for more than a month now is just pure awesome sauce.). I hope you're back for good!

Carly said...

Love everything about this and everything about you!

Jen said...

I think maybe this means it's time to stop stalking your blog and comment once in a while. It's hard for me to come out of the shadows, unless it's an encounter in the church bathroom.

I think you are outrageously hilarious, love reading your stuff. Please do it more often.

Wish I would have been there for your talk, I'm sure it was amazing and I'm totally impressed you did it without a translator!

Stefani said...

Well, your wit and charm on a bad day is better than me on my best. Thanks ;)

Paige said...

Good intentions. At least you attempted to give the talk in Spanish, something I would just laugh at. In fact, I would laugh at the whole stake calling thing. Leave me in the nursery and let me play bells. Keep me out of things with lots of meetings and planning --Ack! Hate that. But I'm sure YOU will do great! Look at you, all Hip and in YW.

anitamombanita said...

bien dicho. bien hecho. te quiero!