Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Keeping You Abreast of the Situation

I had to sit for a couple of hours at the car dealership recently so I began flipping through a magazine. I came upon a short article about sports bras and how past versions have let us down (no pun intended). It cracked me up on several levels, leaving me no alternative but to share it with you, my mostly imaginary friends, on the internet. Here is what it said:

“The first sports bra was two jockstraps sewn together. Thirty-one years and several design advances later, many women still aren’t getting enough support, because until recently, scientists had never actually analyzed the manner in which breasts bounce. In a three-year study, British exercise scientists discovered that breasts don’t just swing up and down but also move in and out and left to right, forming a figure eight pattern. Most bras stop only up and down movement, which could be part of the reason more than half of women suffer breast pain during exercise.”

Unfortunately with the case of magazines, there is no place to ask questions. That’s where blogs and imaginary friends come in very handy. So let’s get started.

1. TWO JOCK STRAPS SEWN TOGETHER? Is that true?! Thank goodness I was only six years old at the time and not quite developed or I might have something to say about that.
2. Can we talk for a second about the part where they say “SCIENTISTS HAD NEVER ACTUALLY ANALYZED THE MANNER IN WHICH BREASTS BOUNCE”? Clearly, these scientists never played on the high school football team.
3. Furthermore, breakthroughs were finally made after British exercise scientists conducted A THREE YEAR STUDY????? May I ask how exactly this research was gathered? Are all the British perverts hanging out around Hampton Court just following people with cameras while they hurry their way through the tree maze? And really, aren’t you just taking advantage when it takes you three years to figure out that boobs make figure 8’s when subjected to turbulence?
4. Don’t you have to receive permission to video people for research? If so, who are the morons agreeing to it? I mean, a guy with a camera comes up to you running in the park and says, “Excuse me ma’am, I’m conducting research on women’s breasts and how they move during exercise. Could I video you in slow motion?” DON’T YOU SEE SOME RED FLAGS?!!!
5. Finally, how are we supposed to crack down on pedophiles when this kind of research is going on? Focus on curing cancer people!

The article was followed up with pictures of four “latest and greatest” sports bras approved by the author. One is called the “Under Armour HeatGear Endure D”. For Pete’s sake, are you going jogging or hunting down Osama bin Laden all by yourself? Another is, “The Nike Revolutionary Women’s Support Bra” – perfect for operating a musket. The third is the “Champion Powerback Underwire Sports Bra”. Translation: My name is Greta, I weigh 350 pounds and I do the shotput. You wanna take this outside? ‘Cuz my girls won’t get in my way THIS time. Finally, the simply stated, “Enell Sports Bra”. It claims to “minimize breast movement, eliminate chafing, and provide back support.” Finally, a bra that accomplishes more than a Presidential Candidate.

The thing is, I totally understand the need for good support during exercise. I guess it just never occurred to me how “good support” translated into “pervs getting paid with my tax dollars”. If nothing else I’ve learned that if I ever meet a man at a dinner party who claims to be an exercise scientist, it's time to turn my back and walk away. Slowly.


JustRandi said...

I don't ever think you should turn your back on an exercise scientist.

Heidi said...

I think they could have saved themselves three years and a bunch of money and just watched old reruns of Baywatch, don'tcha think? LOTS of bouncing in slow motion going on there!

Anonymous said...

How would it be to actually REQUIRE one?

"Vern" said...

Hello Lorie, I mean "anonymous". Just because the internet told you when you were putting in your measurements for an online order that "if these measurements are correct, you don't need a bra" doesn't mean you have to hide!

Vanessa said...

I am not sure if I could vote this the funniest post yet....mostly because I don't have the time to review the others to really gauge my final decision however I do have to say that I am proud to have you as my sister-in-law and can't wait to spend another week with you. Thanks again for a great therapy session.

Brittany said...

Only you could make poetry out of underwear. Take that how you want to.

Kerri said...

Ha! I'm with Lorie.

KinseyBug said...

I could not have said it better myself Brittany!

COMcewens said...

TOO funny! I am trying to get the mental picture of two jock strap bra put of my head!!!

Man, if they never noticed the moved all over.... I think they need to put the books down for a bit and come join life!

COMcewens said...

PS Loved the PUN in your title!

"Vern" said...

heidi: Good point! That's funny.
kinseybug: I miss you!
vanessa: Right back at ya ;)

Paige said...

I read that little article, and was amazed--two jock straps sewn together? Well, that's inventive, isn't it?

Susan said...

Hi Kristy! Oh, I mean Vern:

I found your blog a few weeks ago from a link on your Light Refreshments blog. Anyway - you totally crack me up! Would you mind if I link to you?

BTW, the only requirement I have in a sports bra is that it lifts my hollowed sacks of skin (formerly known as breasts [I prefer boobs, actually]), high enough so that they don't get tucked into my shorts.

Love your show!

Anonymous said...

I'm with Lori, it would be nice to actually need a sports bra. Isn't the function of a sports bra to flatten so you have less bounce? Well God did the work of mankind on me. I am soo flat that I envy those speedbumps that I'm always cursing, but for a different reason.


Mom of Three said...

I think the funniest part of this is that you actually found the article in public. How did you ever not burst out laughing and resist leaning over to the person next to you and say, have ya read this?!

Anonymous said...



Dodi said...

Big Boobs around the blog-o-sphere thank you for this information! I need something sturdy, to say the least!!!