Keeping You Abreast of the Situation

I had to sit for a couple of hours at the car dealership recently so I began flipping through a magazine. I came upon a short article about sports bras and how past versions have let us down (no pun intended). It cracked me up on several levels, leaving me no alternative but to share it with you, my mostly imaginary friends, on the internet. Here is what it said:

“The first sports bra was two jockstraps sewn together. Thirty-one years and several design advances later, many women still aren’t getting enough support, because until recently, scientists had never actually analyzed the manner in which breasts bounce. In a three-year study, British exercise scientists discovered that breasts don’t just swing up and down but also move in and out and left to right, forming a figure eight pattern. Most bras stop only up and down movement, which could be part of the reason more than half of women suffer breast pain during exercise.”

Unfortunately with the case of magazines, there is no place to ask questions. That’s where blogs and imaginary friends come in very handy. So let’s get started.

1. TWO JOCK STRAPS SEWN TOGETHER? Is that true?! Thank goodness I was only six years old at the time and not quite developed or I might have something to say about that.
2. Can we talk for a second about the part where they say “SCIENTISTS HAD NEVER ACTUALLY ANALYZED THE MANNER IN WHICH BREASTS BOUNCE”? Clearly, these scientists never played on the high school football team.
3. Furthermore, breakthroughs were finally made after British exercise scientists conducted A THREE YEAR STUDY????? May I ask how exactly this research was gathered? Are all the British perverts hanging out around Hampton Court just following people with cameras while they hurry their way through the tree maze? And really, aren’t you just taking advantage when it takes you three years to figure out that boobs make figure 8’s when subjected to turbulence?
4. Don’t you have to receive permission to video people for research? If so, who are the morons agreeing to it? I mean, a guy with a camera comes up to you running in the park and says, “Excuse me ma’am, I’m conducting research on women’s breasts and how they move during exercise. Could I video you in slow motion?” DON’T YOU SEE SOME RED FLAGS?!!!
5. Finally, how are we supposed to crack down on pedophiles when this kind of research is going on? Focus on curing cancer people!

The article was followed up with pictures of four “latest and greatest” sports bras approved by the author. One is called the “Under Armour HeatGear Endure D”. For Pete’s sake, are you going jogging or hunting down Osama bin Laden all by yourself? Another is, “The Nike Revolutionary Women’s Support Bra” – perfect for operating a musket. The third is the “Champion Powerback Underwire Sports Bra”. Translation: My name is Greta, I weigh 350 pounds and I do the shotput. You wanna take this outside? ‘Cuz my girls won’t get in my way THIS time. Finally, the simply stated, “Enell Sports Bra”. It claims to “minimize breast movement, eliminate chafing, and provide back support.” Finally, a bra that accomplishes more than a Presidential Candidate.

The thing is, I totally understand the need for good support during exercise. I guess it just never occurred to me how “good support” translated into “pervs getting paid with my tax dollars”. If nothing else I’ve learned that if I ever meet a man at a dinner party who claims to be an exercise scientist, it's time to turn my back and walk away. Slowly.