Thursday, September 24, 2009

This Is NOT A Newsflash

Sometime over the summer when I was busy not blogging on this blog I saw a headline on my Comcast homepage that said, “Michael Phelps Not Injured In Car Accident”. Ummm, kay? Hello Comcast homepage people, I have some very important information that you should carefully tuck away for others like me. Specifically, when you tell me about something that didn’t happen, I don’t really care, and I am not likely to click on your little link to hear the “Rest Of The Story….”

Can you imagine if I ran my blog this way? So lazy. In fact, let’s try it out. Here’s a little Top Ten List of things that did NOT happen to me in the last two months.

1. I did not get syphilis, which is fairly common when you’re not a tramp.
2. I did not lose the thirty pounds that I set out to drop by October. Hell, I didn’t even lose ONE of those thirty pounds. And I did not just say “hell”. (hi mom!)
3. I did not begin a love affair with soy nuts and barley, which is why number 2 didn’t work out. P.S. I didn’t work out much either, so I suppose soy and barley are only partially to blame.
4. I did not watch any episodes of “The Suite Life” with my kids.
5. Except that one time, but I was bored and we only have one television so SHUT IT. And Samantha did not say, “Um, Mom? You just laughed at Zach and Cody. That’s kinda sad.” (See what I mean Comcast? This is not riveting material.)
6. I did not rent “17 Again” and think that Zac Efron was hot. However, I may have rented “17 Again” and thought, “Dude, I am the same age as the actor who plays Zac Efron’s dad.”
7. I did not cry when Michael Jackson died.
8. I did not get my own reality show, but I do wish that TLC would stop calling me already.
9. I did not run into Hugh Jackman at the mall, have lunch with him at Paradise Bakery, or hold his hand at the movies. Come to think of it, Hugh and I didn’t do anything together all summer. WHAT is his PROBLEM?
10. I did not go to Hawaii, but my friend Kettie did and she went to my favorite Shave Ice place and ordered my favorite flavor and sent me a picture of it, so it’s almost like I was there. But I wasn’t.

Tune in next week when I’ll share my lists on “All The Guys I Never Dated” and “All The Vegetables I’ve Never Tried.”

16 comments:

Heather said...

What IS Hugh Jackman's problem??

rocslinger said...

I did not laugh......... well not much anyway. OK, I did laugh but not longer than five seconds. OK, maybe it was longer but I only meant it for six seconds tops.


Hmm, I'm begining to see what you mean.

jksfam said...

What would your reality show be called?

Karen said...

At least it was The Suite Life. I found myself giggling along with Max and Ruby the other night. That show isn't even supposed to be funny. Also, sorry for keeping Hugh all to myself this summer...

ganelle said...

Those crazy, crazy twins.

Only thing worse than watching it? Hearing the retell from your child - in which you are fully expected to laugh hysterically when it SO not funny!

Bethany said...

You also did NOT get a speeding ticket, but that's another story.
Fun stuff my friend.

Mortensen Baby Farm said...

You are a nut!

amylouwho said...

hilarious!

I have a story similar to one you posted on the other blog a few weeks back - mine had a different ending though....

superpaige said...

I don't think I did any of those things, either. Except that I did watch 17 again and think Zac Effron was hot. Twice.

Mom of Three said...

OK, sooo get the Suite Life thing! As far as Hugh Jackman is concerned, at least there was that movie with the big X in it that showed some amazing upper torso! Not that I looked at that...

The Grapers said...

I didn't read your blog post.
I didn't think it was funny.
I'm not up at 12 reading everyone's blogs.
and......I'm not going to bed now.

Kerri said...

What?!?!?!?! You haven't been blogging here?!?!?!

Mindy Williams said...

So sorry that Hugh was over at my house. If I ever get tired of him, I'll send him your way. Um, you forgot to add you did NOT have so much fun with your VT's kids destroying your house. Next time, I'll bring that deposit.

Dransfield Diaries said...

Thanks for the laugh! I needed that.

Lucas said...

I did not watch X-Men Origins: Wolverine four times in three days. And I did not wish to look like him....

Lani said...

Hilarious - I love your writing. Please keep it up.