This Is NOT A Newsflash

Sometime over the summer when I was busy not blogging on this blog I saw a headline on my Comcast homepage that said, “Michael Phelps Not Injured In Car Accident”. Ummm, kay? Hello Comcast homepage people, I have some very important information that you should carefully tuck away for others like me. Specifically, when you tell me about something that didn’t happen, I don’t really care, and I am not likely to click on your little link to hear the “Rest Of The Story….”

Can you imagine if I ran my blog this way? So lazy. In fact, let’s try it out. Here’s a little Top Ten List of things that did NOT happen to me in the last two months.

1. I did not get syphilis, which is fairly common when you’re not a tramp.
2. I did not lose the thirty pounds that I set out to drop by October. Hell, I didn’t even lose ONE of those thirty pounds. And I did not just say “hell”. (hi mom!)
3. I did not begin a love affair with soy nuts and barley, which is why number 2 didn’t work out. P.S. I didn’t work out much either, so I suppose soy and barley are only partially to blame.
4. I did not watch any episodes of “The Suite Life” with my kids.
5. Except that one time, but I was bored and we only have one television so SHUT IT. And Samantha did not say, “Um, Mom? You just laughed at Zach and Cody. That’s kinda sad.” (See what I mean Comcast? This is not riveting material.)
6. I did not rent “17 Again” and think that Zac Efron was hot. However, I may have rented “17 Again” and thought, “Dude, I am the same age as the actor who plays Zac Efron’s dad.”
7. I did not cry when Michael Jackson died.
8. I did not get my own reality show, but I do wish that TLC would stop calling me already.
9. I did not run into Hugh Jackman at the mall, have lunch with him at Paradise Bakery, or hold his hand at the movies. Come to think of it, Hugh and I didn’t do anything together all summer. WHAT is his PROBLEM?
10. I did not go to Hawaii, but my friend Kettie did and she went to my favorite Shave Ice place and ordered my favorite flavor and sent me a picture of it, so it’s almost like I was there. But I wasn’t.

Tune in next week when I’ll share my lists on “All The Guys I Never Dated” and “All The Vegetables I’ve Never Tried.”