The Most Fascinating People of 2009

Barbara Walters is at it again. With the year coming to a close she’s rolling out her list and interviews with what she calls the 10 Most Fascinating People of the year. The thing with me is that I don’t use the word “fascinating” frivolously. Maybe I’m just hard to impress, but if you’re telling me something is fascinating then it had better be good. Like the one time I was watching Planet Earth on blu ray and they were showing the mating call of a particular bird – the male got all gussied up in front of another female bird, and in an effort to gain her affection spread his feathers and showed all his pretty colors and made his best squawking sound and then the female bird was all, *talk to the hand* and walked away. THAT was fascinating because I DID NOT KNOW that birds went to 7th grade. I almost felt bad for every boy I had ever turned down in high school until I remembered, “Oh yeah, I never did that because nobody ever tried to date me.” BUT! THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME, this is about Barbara Walters and her cockamamie list of Most Fascinating People of 2009.

The problem with this list of people is that it’s not really about being fascinating, it’s basically about high school. Featuring the prettiest, the most controversial, the victim, and even the all star quarterback, Walters’ Most Fascinating People is almost like watching “The Breakfast Club” for the stars. It’s mostly a popularity contest, because if Barbara was truly in search of the most fascinating people she would have interviewed the old guy at my Wal Mart who stands in the front holding a red lunch pail. Nobody really knows what he’s doing there, but I bet if Barbara could take him aside she might find out some pretty cool stuff. But no, her list is about, for better or for worse, who made the front page.

For example, a woman named Jenny Sanford made the list. The first lady of South Carolina, her husband had an affair with a woman from Argentina and everything hit the fan. Sad? Sure. Devastating? Of course. Fascinating? Not since Bravo TV debuted. Next up, Brett Favre. He quit, he came back. He quit, he came back. Come on Brett, show me something Pamela Anderson CAN’T do.

Another on the list, Sarah Palin. I’m annoyed with how much attention gets paid to her physical beauty. What??! You’re smart AND pretty? AND you have KIDS? HOW ON EARTH DO YOU DO IT ALL? Hey Barbara, let me introduce you to like, all of my friends.

And then came Adam Lambert. He’s gay and he can sing. Fascinating? I don’t think so. Have you never heard of George Michael? I guess it just goes to show what a little more range and a lot more eyeliner can do.

Kate Gosselin. Please. Don’t get me started.

Tyler Perry. Not the first guy to survive an abusive father and make something of himself. While I congratulate him, I’d be just as interested in an interview with the longest reigning mall Santa.

Glenn Beck. He speaks his mind and cries a lot. Put me on the TV/radio and I’ll show you much of the same, with less historical knowledge and cuter hair.

Lady Gaga. She wears bubble dresses and wings on stage and some speculate that she is a transvestite. Not someone I really want to hang out with, but fascinating? We might be getting closer.

Michelle Obama. Sorry, but I don’t see what the big deal is. She’s raising two kids, just like me, except her mom lives with her and they have a much nicer house. Plus, her husband travels a lot. (They really ARE just like us!) So, she doesn’t wear frumpy First Lady suits. I can see why Clint and Stacy would be impressed, but it’s not like I don’t know how to shop at Dress Barn too.

Finally, Barbara pulls a fast one on us and does a three for the price of one trick, kind of like a Bath & Body Works sale, as she names ALL THREE of Michael Jackson’s children. *sigh* Really Barbara? Here’s what I think happened. I think that ABC wanted to feature Michael Jackson on this list, but somewhere in a boardroom one day a few Dilberts came up with a list of official rules for the Top 10 Most Fascinating People and one rule was that a person featured must currently be alive. But Michael Jackson was JUST! SO! IMPORTANT! that they wanted to feature him anyway, but in order to stick to the rules and not have to deal with the management over the issue they would just pick his kids instead. Because let’s face it, none of us even saw his kids until the funeral, and we’ve never heard them say anything, and if that’s grounds for “fascinating” then there are mutes everywhere right now who should be offended that they didn’t also get a call.

I hope Barbara doesn’t take any of this personally. Just because she talks funny and has a talk show that I loathe (Hi The View! You women drive me crazy! Except you Elisabeth, I loved you in “Survivor”), doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to have dinner with her. As long as she’s paying.