Sunday, January 31, 2016

It's OK. It's Not OK. It's OK.



The halls of my home are stilled, and quiet fills the air.  

There’s a gentle hum in the basement that comes and goes with familiarity.

The oven has been on all night; a routine move reserved for tried and true methods for the best Sunday roast.  

But these halls, the basement, the oven; they do not speak for me.

There is nothing quiet about the thoughts that wake my mind at 5:00am on a Sunday and refuse to retreat and let me sleep.  There’s nothing gentle or familiar about spending the last seven days in facilities all over town trying to figure out why my  15-year-old, 6’ 2” son can’t walk up the stairs without gripping the rails or eat more than a piece of toast.  Routine doesn’t even begin to make the short list of words to describe how I feel about putting my daughter on a plane with a few skirts and a toothbrush and telling her goodbye for eighteen months.  

People say change is good.  I support that notion when change is defined as, “Hey, let’s eat shave ice in Hawaii for Christmas instead of scraping ice off our cars in Colorado!”  But the kind of change that says, “Hey!  We don’t know what’s wrong with your kid and your family that you have devoted your entire life to is never going to be the same!  And while we're at it we're taking Downton Abbey off the air and Costco is replacing the Ghiradelli chips with the Kirkland brand,” is the kind of change that can shove it.  

I do have to be fair, though.

My phone has buzzed incessantly this week with messages and calls from loving family and friends.

There have been gentle nudges from divine intervention to remind me that this little family of mine is no accident and is never going away permanently.  

I am routinely thankful for the good people who surround me and make the stresses of life easier to shoulder.

Mercifully, that is all too familiar.

4 comments:

seamomjenny said...

I know I don't know you personally, but thank you for your posts. I put my daughter on a plane yesterday for 18 months, and while I know it is for a worthy and noble cause, it sucks! Praying for you and your son...having gone through our share of medical crises over the years, also, I feel for you and am praying the doctors can figure out what's wrong. Hugs to you from south Georgia!

Lisa said...

Oh, my. How I understand all of those feelings. I'm watching the phone, waiting for it to ring from a doctor's office in New York where my son is serving his mission. He's had memory problems and focus issues for months, but he chalked it up to stress. Then he told me some of his symptoms—blurred vision, headaches and then there's this—his vision flips upside down sometimes. What in thee? He finally went in to the doctor and they immediately scheduled an MRI. And I'm here, thousands of miles away. Not by his side, listening to the lab techs and professionals who can help us understand what's going on. I'm so sorry you're struggling with the same problems. Just know that there are people who are doing the same thing, and I'll say some prayers in your behalf along with my pleading.

HW said...

How is your son???! And your missionary? Sorry to prod, but I think you should blog more.

I found my way back here after reading an old post on my blog that links to a hilarious post on yours and ended up crying about our missionary daughters, yours and mine. Thank you for writing. Do it more.

kbfox22 said...

PLEASE finish the story!! how is your son?? I have a missionary son out right now and another leaving in just 3 weeks! they will miss seeing each other by 2 weeks! I thought it would be easier the 2nd time around NOPE! I find I am stressed about different things... hang though love the blog and your writing keep it up!