Wednesday, January 21, 2009

I Am...

I was not a rebellious teenager, but I was very moody. I swear, some days it was like having Courtney Love on one shoulder and Billy Graham on the other.
“Be happy!”
“Drive a pencil through your eye.”
“Be grateful!”
“I hate you.”
“Life is so marvelous!”
“You are a suck up. Shut it.”

I’m totally over that now. (Lies.) Okay, but I’m not as bad as I used to be. To illustrate, if I still lived at home I don’t think my parents would fantasize as much about little green men coming to steal away with me in the middle of the night. They might finally confront me about snitching all the ice cream, but I don’t think they’d have to ask at the end of every day which one of me might come out tomorrow to play. I bet that’s a relief.

However, I still have moods. Not moods of the Sally Field playing Sybil kind, but more like “I feel like wearing a scarf around my head with big hoops while eating hummus to simulate the Mediterranean” kind. You know how certain people can pull off any kind of a look they want? If they want to dress bohemian one day, they can do it and look legit. The very next day they can put on a dress suit and nobody does a double-take. They can wear hats to the horse races, boots to the rodeo, flowers on their lapels to church, and they can manage an up-do for a wedding or a ponytail for a daily workout. Regardless, they totally pull it off. Unfortunately, not everyone can do this and so you end up with two different groups of people: those who can pull off any look, and those who can’t. Make that three categories. The third being that you think you can pull off any look, which you can’t, but you try anyway. Care to take a stab at where I fit? Bingo! Category 3 it is. It’s such a drag. I think this is why I spend so much time in my pajamas.

But GUESS WHAT? (enter: Billy Graham) I have good news! I’ve figured out my problem. All this time I thought my category 3 predicament was hopeless, like I was just born this way and need to accept myself for who I am - kind of like being in a beauty pageant and winning Miss Congeniality because you’re just not “Queen” quality. Not that I could ever be in a pageant or hope to even win Miss Congeniality (Miss “How Did You Get In Here??” maybe, but not Miss Congeniality) but that is not the point! The point is, a couple of months ago I saw an interview with Beyonce who was promoting her new CD titled “I Am…Sasha Fierce”. In the interview she explained that Sasha Fierce is her ALTER EGO. Here’s what she says:

“Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”

As it turns out, alter egos are apparently all the rage. Eminem, you know, that rapper with no talent who makes more money than me for wearing bad clothes, too much bling and swearing on stage? Yeah, him. Apparently he created an alter ego he named “Slim Shady”, something he was inspired to do while sitting on the crapper. No lie. And that’s when it hit me. (Not the urge to go to the bathroom - duh!) but the realization that it’s not more scarves that I need, it’s an ALTER EGO. That way when someone looks at me and goes, “Um, you look ridiculous – nice try though,” I could be like, “Word up, I’M not ridiculous, that’s my alter ego, Shaniqua. Take THAT.”

Then I remembered this Seinfeld episode where George decides he wants to go by “T-Bone”. Things go awry, and before he can make his new identity known to the world he gets labeled as “Koko The Monkey”. I don’t want this to happen to me, mostly because “Koko” doesn’t suit me and I don’t even like bananas. So here’s the other good news!! (please - hold the applause) I want YOU to come up with a name for my alter ego. I mean it, you can do this. I have total faith in you. But just in case, I’m going to go brainstorm a little myself. You have through the weekend, and by Monday I’ll decide my alter ego name.

Maybe I need to take a potty break and see what comes to me.

20 comments:

govehar said...

I wanted to go with Shaniqua but I thought that might not be politically correct. Then I thought Verla might be nice since it is a combination of both your male and female sides but it is a bit old. I thought Isis, O' Mighty Isis that would be a great name for added fun you could add a silent number five. I new a girl in college that legally changed her name and added a silent 5. Is5is is my choice.

Heather said...

I'm gonna go with LaFawnda O'Hare. I'm keeping it along the lines of the blog title with the last name. O'Hare, rabbit. Get it? No? Darn.

ganelle said...

I thought you already had an alter ego - Vern. No??? I thought Vern was the witty, sarcastic part of you. Hmmm, maybe that's not so different from regular Kristy.

I'll have to give this so more thought...

rocslinger said...

Hummm, Alter ego, I like it maybe you could use a false accent (italics) and go by your undercover name Tatiana. I could use an alter ego, Ive already told my daughter she has two dad's. when she asks me which one
I am I tell her the other one, lets call him Sergei.

Kerri said...

Okay, on Baby Name Guesser (http://www.gpeters.com/names/baby-names.php?report=ego) *don't ask where I find this stuff* you are Sophie Jean. I also like Olivia Stardust and Nicole, Queen of the Diva's. If you don't like yourself much, you could use Paris Hilton's alter ego name: Potter May. How about Valerie Maplewagon (you know, French toast and all)? Phillipa India? Victoria Chan? That's sort of exotic. Okay, I could go on with this, but I'll stop. I'm sure what you come up with on your own will do the trick.

Lorie said...

That's funny. I might have to do some thinking back to all of our past conversations. I'll come up with something... (I loved the T-Bone episode!).

Rachey said...

Sa-a (Sadasha) Consuela.

Stevenson's said...

Can I just say I love you. Seriously your posts are like the things people think about but don't want to take the time to explain what everyone is really thinking about. And it's the best to read about b/c I'm sitting here nodding my head giggling and saying "yes, exactly"
I love the way you write because I can totally see you saying it. It's been years sinse I've seen you but I remember you were the best young womens and basketball coach. (I remember babysitting Samantha too.) I hope I wasn't annoying I just really thought you were the coolest. So nevermind if you think you are "category 3" because you made a difference in my life :)
As for your alter ego name....
K Dawg. I'm keeping along the lines of your "Word up... take THAT" quote.
And that's probably enough

Vern said...

I like it so far! Keep 'em coming my peeps.

Stevenson: you were never annoying, unless annoying also means "one of my favorites"! Love ya back!

Brianne said...

Kristy you are brilliant! I love your style. Thanks for the good read. I looked up a few names for you. You tell me what you think. The names are followed by their definition and origin...

Zaila: might, power; Arabic (Lady Zaila in the house?)
Wathiqa: confident, positive; Arabic (what do you think? uhh.)
Fakiha: good sense of humor; Arabic (maybe you should go by this daily) and finally...
Zephyra: strong wind; greek (this might work for you in more ways than one) ; )

That's all I've got!

rocslinger said...

Why settle for one alterego? I have'nt named them but I think im good for at least six.

oh wait thats just me or me or......

rocslinger said...

Is it kosher for an alter ego to have an alter ego or would your alterego's alter ego be you? Wait I'm confused. Just be grateful your not in my head, its already a bit crowded.

Dodi said...

Oh, isn't it a shame that "Glitter Boobs" is already taken? Cuz that would have been a fun one!

How about Shirley? The possibilities are endless:
Shirley Unglued?
Shirley Berserk?
Shirley Bazarre?

Hey... Shirley Bazarre! I like it!

Dodi said...

...or you could spell it correctly and make it Shirley Bizarre. That might be better... otherwise it looks like you're going to be selling your wares, and that's not what we're aiming for here. Right?

McEwens said...

I thought the other ego WAS VERN?? Maybe it is, maybe this is one of your sybill friends posting this??

RyGuy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RyGuy said...

Kris Teezzz al Terigo

Mom of Three said...

Apparantely you have been blogging on here again, and I missed the memo. Some good stuff! Love the Reece's Klondike, makes my mouth water just looking at it. So back to this post...an alter ego name... Lilly Mae? I'm all about the southern blending of names thing. You could be Lilly Vern or Connie Sue. That's my best random guess.

Cha Cha said...

It's a no brainer: Remington is the last name, first name must be that of a woman who gets what she wants and/or looks fabulous doing what she's doing, since that is in fact your goal. Your choice: Brittany, Tiffany, or Alexis (goes well with Remington, my personal fave). Walk proud, lassie.

Mariel said...

Very funny, you're a great writer!

www.oneshetwoshe.blogspot.com