Monday, October 5, 2009

I Think I'll Sell My Tampons On Craigslist

I’m not gonna lie, I slept through  General Conference. But if I told you the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me Elder Packer, I should also explain that I slept through General Conference ON A GURNEY. So I’m kinda thinking I get a free pass.

My Thursday morning that week started out normally. Kids off to school? Check. Update my Facebook Scrabble game? Check. Look in the mirror and weigh the pros and cons of plastic surgery? Check. Run 5 miles? Don’t be silly. Then, somewhere between a double word score and self loathing I felt my abdomen begin to cramp. Soon after, what started out as mild discomfort led to, “Holy crap, I think my abdomen was a client of Bernie Madoff’s because it’s @#!*% .” Not knowing what to do I got on the phone and called my friend Ganelle – through sobs I tried to explain what was happening which resulted in her mandate, “Stay put. I’ll be right there.”

Thirty minutes later we stood in the ER entrance and I began peeing in cups and describing my pain on a scale of 1 to 10. (say 8!  say 8!)  Hmm…. “With ONE being that I never got the good stuff in my school lunches, and TEN being the Holocaust, I’m somewhere between never going to Homecoming and Columbine.” A little later, before the CT scan but after the incident where Ganelle pulled my gown over my legs in opposition to our “friendship knows no boundaries” clause, (turns out there ARE boundaries, and they stop short of the upper thigh being exposed through the light blue tent that one is given to wear when vacationing in the ER) Ganelle was also found holding my hair while I threw up into a pink, plastic bin. It was glorious, I tell you.

When my doctor finally showed up and took my information, he announced that we would be conducting a CT scan and whisked me off to see Jack, the CT Scan guy. “Hi Jack,” I gestured. “Don’t say that on an airplane!” he laughed. Something told me Jack only knew one joke. But he was nice, especially when he said, “We’ll be injecting your body with dye – you’ll feel warm and fuzzy inside, and then you will most likely feel like you’re wetting your pants.” I was all, “Dude, I just threw up on my best friend, what’s a little bed wetting incident with a guy who can’t do airports?” It was quick and painless, and even though I DID feel like I was wetting myself, I wasn’t. Not to worry, I would soon be cozying up with a catheter anyway.

The results were in. I had a mass on my ovary. Was it cancerous? We didn’t know. It was about the size of an orange, had damaged the only ovary I had left beyond repair, and needed to come out immediately. I was admitted that night, had surgery the next morning, and came home from the hospital a few days later. At the end of the day, I did NOT have cancer (phew) but they ended up taking out all my lady parts, and closed me up with eighteen staples in my stomach and mailed me an invitation to menopause.

In the ensuing weeks I was flooded with good deeds from friends, neighbors and family. My parents flew to my rescue, did my laundry, and made me fresh guacamole. Another friend, conveniently an owner of a Cold Stone Creamery, dropped by and left me a couple of gallons of menopausal medicine. (Channeling my inner Mary Poppins: “Just a spoonful of cake batter makes the es-tro-gen go dooooown.”) After my parents left another woman showed up on my doorstep to vacuum and mop, and countless others gave my kids rides, dropped off treats, called to check on me and scoured my kitchen sinks. The amount of help I received during those long and painful weeks was humbling. I don’t think I could have felt more supported if I had been standing in a warehouse of jock straps. It got me thinking what in the world I would have done without all of those people. The truth is I have no idea.

While lying on my gurney in the ER, Thomas S. Monson delivered this message to millions of Latter-Day-Saints:
“Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish – and in effect save their lives.”
See, it didn’t matter what people came to my door to do during those weeks, what mattered was that they came. Because they showed up, I felt loved and (bonus!) according to Mr. Monson they not only saved MY life, they saved their own.

Plus, I got some free ice cream out of the deal. A win/win, really.

48 comments:

lynette said...

I don't want to laugh at your pain and suffering, but you have that effect on me.

Get well soon!

Natasha said...

Holy cannoli. You effectively made that sound excruciating and yet... fun! Kind of like how Sister Dibbs can make falling to your death from a bridge totally groovy! Which you wouldn't know because you didn't watch Conference. Slacker.

Menopause. Sucks. Sorry.

Garity said...

Wow, what a way to be thrown into it. Ganelle is awesome. I think all women need to have a Ganelle nearby.

As for the tampons, I have a 2 year old who can be entertained for hours with just one box, take that angle on your e-bay listing and they'll be fighting over them.

Rachey said...

That jock strap line was one of your best yet! Do you take time to think of this stuff or does it just come to you?

I'm glad you have so many people taking care of you and that it all went well, as well as something like that can go anyway. Lots of love from Ryan and I!

Tia Juana said...

I am sorry to laugh at you when you are in pain and on drugs but you are really funny when you are in pain and on drugs.

Happy healing thoughts for you! (So we can quickly get to more Menopause posts!)

natalie said...

From having my own special lady problems, I hope you're okay with losing your parts. I was sad when I lost some (not all) of mine. Conference was great, and Natasha is right, Sister Dibbs really did make falling to your death sound like fun! Get well soon, and ready your budget for gigantic air conditioning bills.
(My brother is a Marine and they use tampons to pack wounds in the field. Send them to Afghanistan!)

jksfam said...

Wow! I hope you heal quickly! I wish I was there to do something for you. I'm glad that your parents are there. You definitely have a way of making everything funny, though!

Helen said...

Bummer! Get well soon. Glad you have good support.

JustRandi said...

Since you're always funny, I'm not gonna chalk this up to talking drugs or anything! But you do sound a little uh, punchy...

And hey, I had my lady parts taken out about 5 years ago, and I could not. be. happier. You are going to love it!

amylouwho said...

Oh my! I'm glad you are recovering with fresh guacamole on hand!

Best wishes for a quick recovery!

Mortensen Baby Farm said...

Seriously...the funniest person alive! How do you do it?

I hope you feel better soon and I am sure glad your funnier without a uterus! Who needs it anyways? Geez...just a bunch of yadda yadda!

Karen said...

Holy garbage! What a nutcase ordeal you have been through. Those mean doctors have to cut my children out of me and it's not actually that awesome to heal from. Take it easy and eat lots and lots of ice cream. I hear it has wonderful medicinal powers.

Lisa said...

First of all, enjoy the pain meds! (And despite Kacy's insistence--don't send her your leftovers) I hope you have a speedy recovery (look on the bright side-you've got a lot to blog about over the next few months, so, there's that) You are really blessed to have such a support system and you deserve it! Everyone says large amounts of peanut M&Ms and ice cream helps. Don't question the masses!

Heather said...

Wow, I didn't see that coming at all. I for sure thought I was going to get the details a case of Toxic Shock Syndrom... Glad you are ok, and you can always stock your guest bathroom with the tampons. Tampons- Pert Plus- could it get any closer to a spa???? I think not.

the emily said...

Wowzers. I am laughing/almost crying all at the same time. It feels like General Conference all over again.

You should milk this. Make an amazon wishlist (make sure it has your shipping address), then post it here and say "just in case you wanted to get me something to help me feel better" and see how many more presents you get.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

Holy ordeal! I have to say that your writing is so very funny, and I'm sure your humor is part of what has endeared you to all those people rushing around healing your life while you're healing your body. Best wishes for a speedy and tampon-free recovery.

Sherise said...

Wow! Seriously, WOW. What a weekend! Here's wishing you a speedy recovery and as much love and support as... as... okay, I'm never going to top that jock strap line, so I'll just stop now. Get well soon!

Mom and Camera said...

That post was hilariously horrible. What a blessing to have so many wonderful people to help you get well. Glad that everything worked out so you are still alive and able to write funny stuff for us to read. The "no more tampon" thing is actually something that makes me quite jealous (though I'd reather not go through your ordeal to get there.)

Definitely take Garity's advice--my 1 year old loves them, too :)!

Diagnose Rachel said...

Oh dear, what a dramatic weekend! I wish you were just making it up so that you didn't have to go to conference. :)
I hope you have a good lady doctor who can get you on Hormone Repleacement Therapy STAT. I go thru a hormone shut down after each of my 4 births. Getting on old lady progesterone and estrogen has saved my sanity and health. Yes, my mind is actually capable of happiness when my hormones are corrected. Who would have thunk it?
My doc and I have found that natural pills, found by RX at a "compounding" pharmacy, work best to get hormone levels up. But each doctor seems to have their own preference. So I hope you don't suffer the pain of instant menapause for long (or at all!)
This is the first time I've written it, but I love the stuff you write. You are honest, and open about your current struggles, and on LRS, you are my favorite. (Don't tell the other girls)
Get well soon!

rocslinger said...

Wowzers,
Let me add myself and my wife to the long line of well wishers.

If we can help in any way just give a call, ie...Samanta hasn't been over in a while.

*katie* said...

Wow! So glad you are home and feeling better. Your mom called on Thursday as they were heading out of town to be with you and family.... I sure hope those hot flashes don't start any time soon....you need some time to recover!

Meg said...

Tell Cory thanks for calling and letting us know. You are in our prayers. Another bright side is that you will have NO MORE PREGNANCY SCARES! Cory should thank you from keeping him from the knife. :)

Dave said...

I'm still lolling at the idea of Jack telling that joke every time he gets a new patient.

How much fun that must be!!!

Kerri said...

Don't forget my offer of all my left over tampons from before I started menopause 5 or 6 months ago. I have a pretty good stockpile. I'm happy to add them to yours. Or send them to Afghanistan????

violyngirl said...

I LOVE Natasha's comment and whole-heartedly agree! Sorry you're under the weather. Congratulations on getting rid of the tampons though. More space in your cupboard. Yessssss!

aubrey said...

So glad everything turned out okay!! Although I must say you pain scale description had me rolling on the floor, at which point I read it to everyone in my living room, we all shared a laugh, read it again, laughed, and so on and so forth.

Pauly said...

I am so sorry. But at least you can laugh about it. You have a gift.

May I suggest you hang on to your, um, tampons - they have some practical uses you may not have considered:

1. They're great for stopping nosebleeds
2. Drew can use them to clean his Nerf guns (or alternatively launch them)
3. Clean between the blinds
4. Use them as spacers between your toes when putting on nail polish
5. Cut them into small discs and put them on chair and table legs to prevent scratching

Big hugs to you.

Lucas said...

Dear Menopausal Bubbles,

What I find hilarious is that you're blogging about it a day later. You crack me up.

I'm so glad you're okay. I don't know what I would have done had I not been able to read these blogs anymore.

You. Complete. Me.

...is that weird?

Rachel said...

So sorry to hear about your ordeal, but glad you're okay! Enjoy the gauc!

Vanessa said...

Only YOU could make such an event so freaking hilarious on screen. We love ya Kris....so what kind of candy bars shall I send in the mail?

Lucas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lucas said...

However...I think the quote, "I don’t think I could feel more supported if I was standing in a warehouse of jock straps." is by far the best thing I've heard since...well since I climbed out of the womb. But you won't be experiencing THAT anytime soon now, will you?

Sorry...had to say it.

Jenn Shideler said...

I just love the way you can make a sad and painful situation so humorous. I hope you get well soon! And good luck with the menopause. :)

Kristi said...

You know, you haven't changed much since the good old days. Good for you. Hope you're feeling ok - one thing to keep in mind, hotflashes are kind of nice in the winter.

superpaige said...

Oh, you poor thing! I'm so sorry. Now you've got to milk this for as long as possible, staying in bed as MUCH as you can, and watching lots and lots of tv.

Love you!!!

Brittany said...

And here I was thinking I had a bad Thursday last week. As usual, you win! This sounds miserable though, and I am so glad you don't have cancer. Looking forward to menopause posts!

KinseyBug said...

Glad to see you have not lost your sense of humor! I love you!!! Get better soon!

Mrs JP Chaos said...

I'm just catching up...and oh my goodness! I hope you get better soon!

(Side note: now I'm seriously craving guac. Dang.)

Mom of Three said...

Seeing as I have been there, you actually made it sound like fun. How do you do that? I say send your tampons out attached to red balloons. You can watch each one float away, representing all the periods you won't have anymore!

Anonymous said...

so I had to stop for a minute and go back to see if I had correctly read that there are EIGHTEEN lady parts! Either I was seriously not paying attention in sex ed or...oh, nope I read that wrong.

Love yer guts--even though you have fewer now. Sooz

rocslinger said...

Hmm, I think this makes Ganelle your Cletus. Way to take the reel Janelle!

Kristin said...

lady parts missing, not such a bad thing. Trust me. Be so grateful for your kids. Menopause in the winter...awesome, that's when I had mine. Get better soon. GHB wasn't the same without you.

Taryn Davis said...

Kristy, I don't know how you are still so hilarious through so much pain, but I love it.
I love you!

Cha Cha said...

I'll take your tampons. I was just thinking why not buy more than one box a month--why dash to the store in the throes of the moment? Serendipity. I'm glad it was an ordeal with a happy ending and I eagerly await your menopausal wisdom.

Holly said...

No fun. I went through the same thing 4 years ago and every time I saw the staples, I kept thinking of the poor people during the Holocaust that Hitler was doing the experiments on. (Though I'm pretty sure they had it much worse than I did.) I had a great complication that involved the dr. accidently poked two holes in my bladder (two years later). Spent a week at home hooked up with a full-on nursing home catheter the week before Christmas last year. It only took me a month before I could laugh about it. I just had to get the hormone dose right first, if you know what I mean. (And I hope you do!)

kanishk said...

Kind of like how Sister Dibbs can make falling to your death from a bridge totally groovy! Which you wouldn't know because you didn't watch Conference

Work From Home India

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now. Keep it up!
And according to this article, I totally agree with your opinion, but only this time! :)

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Ha ha ha I'm sorry, but you are hilarious. Great writing. I hope you win.

And hey, I know Just Randi. She was the Young Women's president for one of my students at BYU-H. What a small world.