We're back. I feel whole again. All it took was a week at the beach with no cell phones or computers and built in entertainment for the kids where the only decision I had to make was whether all that time in the pool qualified as a shower. I have so much to talk about and so many pictures to show you but I'm worried it will feel like I am rubbing it in your face. I probably am, but I love you anyway. It's supposed to be one of the benefits of getting older, that you care less and less about what other people think of you. No time like the present to test that theory! So here we go - the top 10 things I know for sure about the Bahamas.
1. Supposedly Bahamians speak English. I beg to differ.
2. Speedos. Why? Why?! WHY?!!
3. I learned on one of the aquarium tours that Groupers have a life span of only 40 years. Which means if I was a grouper I would only have three more days to live. I think if I was a grouper and had a last request it would be, "Hey stupid little boy, stop knocking on the glass already. I SEE YOU." It's pretty obvious that groupers don't have a good sense of humor. You can just...tell.
4. It doesn't do a whole lot of good to arrive at the Bahamas airport two hours early when your flight is at 6:30 AM. It was just like hoping for a date with the boy of my dreams on my 16th birthday - lots of places to get in line but not a soul in sight.
5. The sign in our taxi read, "No Drinking! No Smoking! No Cursing! No Sex! No Drugs!" In other words, if your name is Courtney Love you'd better arrange your own transportation.
6. Triscuits are $9.00.
7. Sunscreen is $26.00. That's like twenty dollars, and then another six dollars, making twenty-six dollars. Most people would bring their own from home to avoid such island robbery, but most people don't forget to put their sunblock in their checked baggage rather than the carry on with a 3 oz. limit where such products are thrown in the trash with reckless abandon. It's okay, I wasn't mad. I mean, what's the TSA supposed to do what with all those incessant rumors flying around about the Banana Boat company using sunscreen to camouflage all of their explosives? I totally get it.
8. Sometimes when you get up at 5:30am to see the sunrise you might notice the swirls of salmon and lavender blossoming and congregating on the "wrong" side, only to realize you're not exactly facing east. The best thing to do in this situation is get a donut and go back to bed.
9. My Dad struggles making a human "R" when playing charades in a hotel room, but at least my children are forever aware of the order of the fork.
10. From now on when I am stressed and need to close my eyes and go to my happy place, this is what it will look like: