Friday, March 16, 2012

Some Must Push And Some Must Pull


A little while ago I received an email from the middle school advertising that they were looking for some part time para educators to work through the end of the year.  I applied.  The main thing about it that piqued my interest was that is was temporary - other than determining who to sleep with for the rest of my life and devoting myself to Pinterest, I'm not into making long term commitments.  But, there’s a couch I want and this little stint would pay for it.  (“ARHAUS” currently has custody of my couch, but I’ve been very consistent with my visitation.  We know each other pretty well at this point, and we’re ready to take our relationship to the next level.)  Plus, this gig sounded really easy.  The job description actually listed the following requirements:

"High school diploma or equivalent" - Done.  (Ha, I'll see your GED and raise you a BS.) (Resist the joke.)
"Frequent bending, reaching, climbing" - (So what you’re telling me is the lady on “Sit And Be Fit" could do this job?  Not only can I move both of my thumbs at the same time while tapping my toes, I can skip to my mailbox - weather permitting.  Get a hold of my mad skills.)
"Visual concentration" - (Short of 8th grade boys with ADHD, who do you think they are trying to discourage here?)

“Squatting” – Dude, all my cupcake pans are on the bottom shelf.  I’ve GOT this.

“Occasional lifting, pulling and/or pushing” – They seem very intent on making it clear that the person they hire for this job will have to do something besides get from their car to their desk.  Again, who are they trying to discourage?  I don’t think many 27-year-olds playing video games in their parents’ basements are pining to get their foot in the door of middle schools.  I was tempted to divulge on my application that I’ve set up chairs for Bunco NUMEROUS times, but I didn’t want to brag.

Turns out, maybe I should have played the Bunco card.  I didn’t get the job.

Not only did I NOT get the job that required “excessive pulling, pushing, and reaching” but I didn’t even get called in for an interview.  

For real?  

For real.

People say when God closes a door he opens a window.  I say when God closes a door to the middle school he opens another one that leads to Cheesecake Factory.  Incidentally, right across from “ARHAUS”.

Winning!

8 comments:

Lorie said...

Oh my NELLY! You are so funny!!!!! Maybe it is because you never volunteered in any of the classrooms when your kids were younger?

Stefani said...

I often wonder how you make the simplest things so hilarious! And sorry about the job. Maybe you can get a job at the Cheesecake Factory.

mormonhermitmom said...

I see you were overqualified for the job. Their loss!

anitamombanita said...

They should have hired you to do stand-up during lunch. That would help with truancy which means the school gets more funding. Everybody wins!!

Lisa said...

Clearly their standards are way off. I think you intimidated them. Shoulder shrug and wiping the cake off your chin.

Garden of Egan said...

You just crack me up!

Sorry, but I think you won! Who wants to be around a bunch of smelly kids when you can be eating the bread at Cheesecake Factory?

Polly Scott said...

"opens a door to the Cheesecake Factory" is the best line I have heard in years. Thanks for the laugh.

Jill said...

I agree with Lorie, I believe you once said " I would rather wipe my butt with a brick than volunteer."