Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I’ll See Your Mole Removal And Raise You A Bladder Infection And 6 Trips to the DMV

At first I stopped blogging because I was having too much fun. Now I’m not blogging because I’m not having any fun at all. Which would you NOT like to hear about first? I’ve made several attempts to sit down and break my non-blogging streak but I haven’t been able to muster anything that rings true to my normal tone here, so I kept walking away from the computer. At this point, however, I’ve decided that even though I’m not capable of posting something pretty and all wrapped up in a bow, perhaps there is value for someone out there to hear my truth. And the truth is I have spent the better part of the last few months having a fabulous time with my family, both immediate and extended. I’m very blessed that way and I don’t take it for granted. But the other half of that truth is that I have spent the better part of the last three weeks alone in my home on the perpetual verge of tears, staring at blank walls and willing them to speak just to break the silence. If silence was deafening, I could mentor Helen Keller.
I think I’m depressed. There, I said it. I don’t like it, but I also don’t like election years and that doesn’t seem to be going away either. While I’m at it, I don’t like doctors cutting out my cancerous moles (I had 2), bladder infections (I had 1) or botched trips to the DMV (I had 6. As in, more than 5, less than 7, SIX. The 5th time they turned me away I may have yelled to those congregated near the door as I left, “It’s Hell, this place. HELL!” And I pushed my way out the door like I really meant it. Which I did.).
Depression is very confusing. For me, much of it gets lost in all the possibilities of what “could” help.
I could get a job.
I could volunteer more.
I could serve other people instead of wallowing in self pity.
I could write more.
I could orchestrate unforgettable meals.
I could make stuff. Yummy stuff. Cute stuff.
I could organize photos! Write my family history! Clean my basement! Alphabetize my spices! Crawl naked over broken glass!
And I guess I could. But all the “could’s” in the world don’t appear to help, they only remind me that I’m doing it wrong. It’s confusing to know how fortunate I am (and I really do know) and still feel like I could burst into tears at any given moment, like a birthday card that opens up to say “With Deepest Sympathy”. It doesn’t make any sense, so it must be my fault, right? Probably not. Maybe? I guess that’s what I mean – confusing. How can one feel like grey stucco on a rainy day when the sun is shining, there’s enough money to pay the bills and all around you are people who want to make it better? I don’t know.
I’ll tell you what I do know; lighting candles and taking a hot bath while listening to French jazz music was a terrible idea. It did, however, instill a sudden urge to wear a beret, eat croissants and take up oil painting so it wasn’t a total loss. To be clear, I’m still talking about depression and not date night. For reals people, this is SERIOUS.
Complicating matters are the people that love you and want to help. It doesn’t sound like that should complicate things, and I’m not ungrateful for the support. But it’s difficult to talk to loved ones about a topic that is so tired, especially when there’s nothing they can do about it. It would almost be easier if I were shot, as that path of action is clear – get me to the ER, find a doctor that looks like Patrick Dempsey and save my life. There are no Patrick Dempsey’s in depression, only boxes of Zoloft, hopeful bottles of Vitamin D and loved ones shrugging their shoulders, waiting for the fun version of you to emerge again. (And for the record, my life doesn’t need to be saved. I’m okay, just not quite right.)
I know it will get better – experience has shown me I will find my footing and look back on this moment and feel like it happened to someone else; I’ll feel silly for even bringing it up. In no time I’ll be gleaning life lessons from Phineas & Ferb and waxing poetic about Hugh Jackman’s upcoming performance in Les Miserables on the big screen. But for now…
…it’s not pretty.
It’s not wrapped in a bow.
That’s just the truth.


Wendy said...

Thanks for this honesty. I've been feeling somewhat the same, although I thought it was needing-to-get-it-together-when-your-baby-starts-first-grade. But I'm not getting it together. I keep thinking it will just take some time. I hope so.

Emily said...

Ugh, don't you just hate it? The depression, but mostly I'm talking about the DMV. I had a similar experience when I moved to New Mexico and I was yelling and (almost) cussing, which is big for me. I don't do that. But hell it is. It really is. Have you ever watched the show "Reaper"? It's on Netflix, give it a shot. They actually make the DMV the "gateway to hell", meaning the reaper who has to capture escaped souls from hell has to return them to the DMV. Laugh out loud funny, I tell ya. (yes, satan is in this show, but it's not really a satanic show.) If that doesn't pull you out, I don't know what will. It gets kind of raunchy toward the end of the series, so feel free to only watch the first 2 seasons.

Anna said...

I have long loved your blog, in fact reading it (funny or serious) makes me wish you lived in my neighborhood so we could be real life friends.

Depression is so hard. And it is hard when well meaning loved ones offer advice and it just makes you think "exercise? Yeah maybe that would help but I can't muster the strength/motivation/energy to do that" and then you feel even worse because you are so depressed you can't even help yourself. It's just one awesome non-virtuous cycle.

I seem to remember you saying on the blog you had some issues with your hormones/reproductive area. Maybe I'm remembering wrong. But I bring it up because for 10 years I struggled with depression and nothing really helped me get back to normal. Then I got pregnant with my daughter and it all got worse, then better, then suddenly my depression went away as in gone, back to normal 10 years earlier me. All the antidepressants, exercise, distractions, and positive thinking provided mild relief but nothing fixed it until my hormones shifted.

This isn't to say "if you just tried this!", but rather "it may not be something you did wrong or can 'work' your way out of, it may be purely hormonal"

Whatever the solution e is, I hope it comes soon.

Welcome to the Garden of Egan said...

Thank you.
That is one of the better posts I've read in forever.
I'm tired of reading about sparkles and unicorn farts.

There is some tough stuff everywhere.
All around!

There isn't an easy solution. Depression is hard and sometimes it doesn't feel that you'll ever feel ok again.

I hope that knowing people care helps a little bit.

anitamombanita said...

OK, first of all, I've totally missed your blog. Second of all, I'm sad that I didn't see you when you were in the vicin... And third, or maybe this should be first, I'm sad that you're not feeling great, because you ARE great...and I know that doesn't really help, but it IS true.

So, not to be one more person who wants to help but maybe doesn't have a clue... two practical things that maybe you can try....I know, you'll have to kick yourself in the fanny and MAKE yourself try it, but hey, who knows, maybe it's the answer or at least part of the answer...

1. get out and run, walk, rollerblade, dance in the street, etc...the endorphins WILL make you feel better. The hubs told me the other day "you really are a lot nicer when you run...don't you want to do that all the time?" He's right. I am nicer when I run, cuz I just feel better.

2. cut all the crap out of your diet...sugar, starch, processed anything...I know, THAT sounds depressing in and of itself, but it WILL make a difference too. I promise!!! There's so much crap in our food that we don't even have a clue how it's affecting us...try it for 10 days and see...MAKE yourself do it. What the're already can only get better, right?

3. tell me where to go cuz I'm just obnoxious...but in a kind of cute and sweet way, right?

OK, I'll shut up now. Hope you feel better soon soon soon cuz you're funny when you feel good and I miss your funnyness in my life! xoxoxo

Rachel said...

Thanks for sharing this. Speaking from experience, sometimes the only thing that works for me is time. It sucks, but it does help me, somehow, to remember that "this too shall pass" if I can just force myself to hang on and wait it out.

All that other stuff never really helps me.

Love ya.

Stephanie said...

I am sorry. I hope your feet, your heart, and your laugh all find their footing soon. I believe they will.

Jen said...

Yay!! You're back!! I have REALLY missed your blog and wondered what had happened to make you disappear so suddenly.

Is it possible you just have the "Back to School" blues? you had so much fun all summer long and now you have no direction and nobody to hang with? Or maybe it goes deeper...

But at any rate - at the risk of trying to be a helper and not really helping...a trip to the Temple might be in order :)

I'll be praying for you to rise out of the funk!! I think more people go through this than they let on...I know I do! Good luck!

Jen said...

I read and commented on your post - then went to another favorite blog and it just seemed appropriate for you...

Chrissy Jo said...

Zoloft is my friend. :-) Thank you for your honesty.

mormonhermitmom said...

Yeah. Sucks big time.

Hang in there.

Rachey said...

Isn't it annoying being a complicated person? We have similar genetics I think, I have highs and lows for no reason usually, and I just want to be STEADY! Like the pioneers:)

Naomi said...

I've missed you on here! Sorry it's been tough lately, I hope you find a way through it that works for you soon x

wjmom said...

For what it's worth:

a. I've missed you.
b. I understand.
c. There's a lotta love coming your way.

It doesn't fix anything, but I hope it might just take the edge off a bit.

Lindsey Harmer said...

Aw crap, is that what depressed is? I'm depressed too.

Bakeshow said...

I love you. Thank you.

ganelle said...

Ok! Ok! I'll call!

Taryn Davis said...

Kristy!!! I love you so much! Man, I was depressed for quite awhile after you-know-what happened. It took a lot of effort to change the way I was thinking, and just time. Time for my life to start feeling full again. Sometimes I swear dementors are real. Love you, and I've missed your blogging along with everyone else.

Anonymous said...

Well here's MY solution! Come spend a week at my house helping me put all the memorabilia in the right places...Mike called with a question about chicken pox, and I still haven't found the baby book with all the medical stuff in it. It IS in there somewhere! HELP!

Vern said...

The support from those of you I know personally and those I know "cyberally" (it might not be a word) is humbling. Thank You!

Vanessa said...

I'm still stuck on Unicorn Farts......that'll keep me chuckling all day.

[Stacia] said...

Thank you thank you thank you! For putting this out there. And for making me cry and laugh at the same time. It almost makes me feel ok that I'm depressed. Almost.

Anonymous said...

Please go see your doctor. There's nothing wrong with seeing a professional when things are not right.

I think we all feel like this sometimes, and sometimes it lasts weeks or months. But when it doesn't ever go away or get better, it's time for some help.

On a positive and more fun note, hubby has convinced me that I'm coming with him to his trade show next time it's in Denver. How far away from Denver are you?

Mom of Three said...

It is time for another GNO I'm thinking! Let's talk soon.

Stefani said...

I think I'm going to just post a link to your blog on my blog. Ya, that otta do it.

And just for the record - thanks for making me laugh out loud. Just like always. It was much needed.

Heather said...

Man I love you and I'm glad you tell it like it is. Its refreshing, since I'm currently sitting here braless, holding a very needy newborn and not getting much accomplished.

Marylynn said...

I am in almost the same boat (only 4 trips to the DMV and depression, + gum surgery - I think you win). I know my depression is due to my doctor tweaking my thyroid meds, so it will only be 1-2 months (ugh!), but it still sucks. Have you had your thyroid looked at lately? Hope you're feeling well again soon! (Glad you're back!)

kat said...

so, i'm late to the party and i don't even know you in real life, but i feel like i can say this because when i see erin once a year at our annual reunions she tells me that we WOULD be friends if i didn't live practically in wyoming.

have erin practice the life coach action on you. 30 minutes is all it will take. pay her back with a caramel apple from rocky mountain chocolate factory if you feel like you have to, but you will cry and say DUH and feel 1 million times better.

end of bossiness stream from a stranger. :)