It was Drew’s last day off track so we decided to go to lunch, and with a brand new “5 Guys Burgers and Fries” down the street we knew just where to go. I had heard a lot about this place but had never been before, so I was curious to see what the fuss was all about. Guy #1 took my order and was very pleasant. He said, “sure”, “you betcha”, “thank you” and “you’re welcome” at all the right times, and let me put whatever I wanted on my hamburger for no extra charge. Jalapenos? BBQ sauce? Grilled onions? I could have had all of it, except I think those are all gross so when I said “no thanks” he said “no problem!” Good job Guy #1. Guy #2 shaped my never-before-frozen-fresh-from-the-pasture ground beef patty. It was delightfully not perfect and tasty to my lips. Guy #3 made my fries, which on that particular day came from potatoes from Shelley, Idaho. At least that’s what the sign said, and I don’t think any of those 5 Guys would lie to me. Guy #4 grilled our burgers and Guy #5 called our number. His voice was very loud and I heard him perfectly – they must have interviewed lots of guys before finding just the right Guy #5.
Drew proceeded to the drink station where he concocted his soda elixir of Coke, Cherry Coke, Root Beer, Mr. Pibb, and Diet Coke all in the same cup. Nice. As we filled a cup with ketchup for our fries I spotted several bottles of something called “Malt Vinegar” on the counter. I asked Guy #3 behind the counter what it was for, and he said, “Oh, it’s really good on your fries. Just put some in a cup and dip it like you do with the ketchup.” Not one to miss out on a certain delicacy, I gave it a go. As Drew and I sat down he asked me about the malt vinegar, and we had the following conversation:
Drew: “What IS that?”
Me: “It’s malt vinegar. They said it’s good on fries so I wanted to try it.”
[dip fry into cup]
Me: “Ew. It’s not good.”
Drew: “Here, let me try.”
[dips fry into cup]
*choke!* gasp! * Drew lunges for his drink and drowns himself in CokeMr.PibbRootBeer.
Drew: “That’s disGUSting!”
Me: “Told ya.”
Drew: “I mean, it tastes like…like… salty pee and vinegar!”
Me: “Salty pee? As opposed to what?”
Drew: “Well, you know how pee is really salty?”
Me: “Uh…how do you know that exactly?”
Drew: “Because A____ told me once that when he went to the bathroom he had an accident and some of his pee accidentally got in his mouth and that it tasted salty.”
Me: (?????) “How does pee get in your mouth when you have an ‘accident’?”
Drew: “I don’t know, maybe he was just standing there and things started to go everywhere and he opened his mouth like, ‘Aaaah! I’m having an accident!’ and then the pee saw his mouth open and went, ‘Hey look, a cool cave!’ and it just jumped in there.”
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that yes, 5 Guys Burgers And Fries was tasty, no I don’t recommend the malt vinegar, and even though the five guys all did a nice job taking care of us, my favorite guy was sitting at my table already.