Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Checked out or Plugged in?

I may be stating the obvious but I haven’t felt much like blogging lately. In all honesty, I didn’t expect the weeks since school let out to be so positively blissful. In years past the summer has been something I approached with short, deliberate breaths and clenched fists as if preparing to open a Tupperware dish with unidentifiable and long overdue contents. Imagine, if you will, that instead of opening that Tupperware dish and discovering ricotta cheese that looked like Spanish moss you happened upon a bottomless container of sparkly whipped cream and dancing fairies.

That has been my last two weeks.

I have largely disengaged from the internet, trading my Google reader for excursions to the pool, trips to the library, afternoons planned around Sonic happy hour and mornings that don’t start until 9am. Or 10. Whatever, you probably stopped reading back at the dancing fairies part.

The stark reality for me is noticing the profound difference in how I feel.
It is profound.
It is very different.
We’re talking clouds lifted, seas parted, veil withdrawn, I am HAPPY.

I’ve been trying to figure out why, and I suppose the answer is rooted in the conversations I have forced ad nauseum upon my husband and friends for a while now, pertaining to this: What am I supposed to do with my life? My time?

I have no problem filling up the calendar on a daily basis, the problem is it doesn’t seem to be full of things that satisfy, elevate, or excite me. Here I am, stay at home mother of 2. It’s a path I chose and a path I’m grateful for, but the fact is this full time job of mine is to take care of children who are largely not around. Once they leave for school I have to figure out the next 8 hours on my own. Sounds dreamy, right? I won’t lie, it often is. When my kids were little I fantasized about the day I could grocery shop ALL BY MYSELF, work out ANY TIME I WANTED, or ponder the Home Depot paint samples for HOURS ON END without little hands groping from the cart for all the colors of the rainbow. I’d be considering the right shade of taupe, flashing samples under natural AND fluorescent lighting to be sure I had the right look for the right room and when the little one in the cart would grow impatient I’d toss some goldfish their way for good measure. It’s okay that I’m not wiping faces, fetching snacks or tossing aside my “nantucket buff” or “Chestertown linen” paint chips to address a potty training emergency, but there’s a flip side. A flip side that reveals that instead of craving ADULT conversation in the midst of kid chaos I’m at a point in my life where I will settle for ANY conversation just to break the silence.

There’s an easier way to say this, I was just hoping to make it sound more fascinating and less like a tired country song. Bottom line: I think I’ve been lonely, and I’ve been bored out of my mind. There, I said it. I’ve been bored. B-O-R-E-D. Which is not to say I haven’t been busy, but busy is just doing everything on your list. Happy is being able to do it with fun people, and right now that means Samantha and Drew. I’ve missed them the last 9 months - I didn’t even realize how much until they got out of school, I got off the computer and we all put on our swimsuits. I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth so when you see that I’m not posting, it’s probably because we just woke up. Soon we’ll be eating mangoes in our underwear, watching “Psych” on Netflix and testing every new frozen yogurt establishment so we can declare a winner by August.

H-A-P-P-Y.

25 comments:

Garden of Egan said...

Love this post!
Ya, totally understand.

I make a book from my blog every July, so I'm picture heavy on my blog, just so the book doesn't look so much like a bunch of drivel.

Have a blast with the kiddos and the summer.
I think you aren't the only one "sucking the marrow" out of the summer!

Dransfield Diaries said...

You usually make me laugh, but tonight you made me cry. :) You have no idea how much I wish I were home with my kids in the summer. Stay at home moms are so very blessed. We try and squeeze in as much fun as possible, around work but its not the same as all day fun with the kids. Enjoy it this summer!!

Vern said...

Dransfield Diaries: There's no crying in blogging! Next time I will try to make you laugh instead, pinky swear.

the emily said...

I start shaking if I miss happy hour. Sonic, not bar.

Rachel said...

Isn't it lovely when your kids turn into your favorite people? Possibly the best thing about parenting. Nothing makes me happier than when my boys make me genuinely laugh.

I can't help but wonder if you're also enjoying a freedom from the responsibility of a cool/rewarding/fulfilling but HEAVY calling which came with a big "to do" list.

Enjoy!

Stefani said...

Oh man, you made me cry by making me laugh. You hit the nail on the head. I too am a stay at home mom of teenagers (3). I too have been lonely. Summer is blissful... thanks

Rachel said...

Your blog makes me H-A-P-P-Y! :D

I love reading about your amazing relationships with your teenage children. Mine are still little (oldest is 6, and just about to finish Kindergarten!<--sniff, SOB!) so they still love me unconditionally. I am really scared for the teenage years, but when I read about happy parents of teens, I'm filled with hope and perhaps even excitement!

p.s. you made me cry too. But it was a good cry. Don't be creeped out by this, but I really wish I knew you in real life. I think we'd be great friends.

Kristi said...

E N J O Y!

It's nice to know that all the nose wiping and potty training pay off and someday they become friends you really want to hang out with. We are just getting to that point and I LOVE it! (Not that the littles aren't fun too - just different fun)

violyngirl said...

Still in the groping little hands/flying fish stage and dream daily of those 8 uninterrupted hours. But I'll keep your bliss in mind. So far our summer has actually been pretty good, but I'll check back in 9 weeks. :)

Happy swimming/yougarting/Sonicing/and Netflixing.

JourneyBeyondSurvival said...

this year has been my best summer as a mom by far! glad to hear you're also having a great time.

Melinda said...

You have expressed exactly what I have been feeling lately. I too, am a stay-at-home mom of two. My youngest just finished first grade and my, oh, my, it was a lonely year. Busy, but lonely. All my friends still have babies at home and have little time during the day. I'm loving this summer.

Melinda said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ria's Random Thoughts said...

Too bad we don't live closer to each other. I've been going through the same thing this year.

Could this be our mid-life crisis?

I've been so bored with life! Even though my life was busy busy.

I too was happy when school got out because my 3 little (big) buddies were home.

beanstocks said...

I love the lazy days of summer. I love that we don't have to go to bed at a certain time. My two oldest boys and I were up at 10:00 last night just laughing and laughing together. It was so much fun!!! I still have little ones at home, but it is so nice to have the big kids home all day too. I always dread when they have to go back to school and I don't get to have them home all day anymore. Enjoy your summer!

Lani Wendt Young said...

Missed your posts and totally get you on this one. I have FINALLY gotten all my fab5 off to school/preschool and so i do looooove my days when theyre all gone. But yes, all the stuff i thought i would love doing when they were all out of my hair? Hmmm. Not so much fun on my own!

ganelle said...

:)

Paige said...

So funny! My kids have watched almost every episode of Monk and Psych on netflicks!

Lorie said...

I am glad I know you in real life and almost long for the days we could take off riding around Cherry Creek Reservoir talking about female problems....good times. I miss you!!!

Vanessa said...

When I was younger, my parents would send me to my Aunts for the summer so that I wouldn't be bored out of my mind. I'm thinking that I can ship my kids to their Auntie Kristy for a period of time as well. What say ye? I don't mind if you get them addicted to psych either. Just be prepared for oh ...about 500 questions during each episode.

Vern said...

vanessa: you're on!

KinseyBug said...

That is my kind of summer! I miss you guys!

Kerri said...

I miss my summer's off with Rachel, big time. So we're filling up every Saturday with some special event of one type or another. Glad you guys are keeping busy. I thought I'd miss her being a baby, but she's such an amazing teen, I love every moment of it.

anitamombanita said...

Awesome! Make some ice cream!

Vauna said...

I'm loving this summer too, because it's the first one in 4 years that I've been home (not at work) to hang out with the kids more, and even though they are "adults" it's still great!

Lisa said...

I'm so glad you still write REAL posts about REAL feelings and experiences. It's so refreshing (much like a strawberry diet dr. pepper--I know, but you have to try it next time you're at Sonic).