"Humble Pie" should be a new flavor at Marie Callendar's. I've been eating a lot of it lately - perhaps it could be inspired by me, bear my namesake and then maybe I could finally get some free pie. Seems only fair.
I thought it was enough that I was forced into menopause in my 30's.
I thought it was enough that I had to buy a tube of Preparation-H, and not for a practical joke.
I thought it was enough that I chipped my tooth ON A RAISIN.
During my visit to the dentist to usher in my first crown of all time due to said raisin debacle, my dentist asked, "Did you know that you grind your teeth?" No, I didn't. "You're going to need a night guard," he added, "oh, and your insurance doesn't cover it." (And no more happiness!) They proceeded to take a mold of my teeth, but to stop there would be like telling a friend over a cup of coffee, "Oh, and then the Nazi soldier asked me to turn the shower head to the left *yawn*". No, to "take a mold" while following the instructions to "breathe" and "try not to gag" is like telling a bulimic to try and keep it down while staring at their index finger. In short, A VERY LONG TWO MINUTES.
Last week I went to pick up the finished product. They shoved it in my mouth and declared it a good fit, "nice and tight" they said. I thought, "Good as in 'I can now sub for Laila Ali in a pinch'? or good as in, 'There's not a pheromone strong enough to overpower that this side of the Mississippi'?" Personally, I think it was a little of both, which means a) I may have a boxing future after all and, b) nothing bad can ever happen to Cory.
Are you thinking it stops there? Silly Brett. As I got up out of my chair the dental assistant handed me the box and said, "You'll want to get some denture cleaner for that." Say whaaa...? "Yes, you need to soak it every night or else it will start to smell." Within minutes I was buying Fixodent with Scope at Target.
To sum up: Betty White is in her 90's hosting SNL and getting Emmy awards, I am in my early 40's taking hormones and soaking my night guard in denture tablets. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hurry up and get a nap in - Price Is Right is on at ten and Marie Callendar's is featuring a new pie tonight for their early bird special.