Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I'm Sexy And I Know It

"Humble Pie" should be a new flavor at Marie Callendar's.  I've been eating a lot of it lately - perhaps it could be inspired by me, bear my namesake and then maybe I could finally get some free pie.  Seems only fair.

I thought it was enough that I was forced into menopause in my 30's.
I thought it was enough that I had to buy a tube of Preparation-H, and not for a practical joke.
I thought it was enough that I chipped my tooth ON A RAISIN.
But no.
During my visit to the dentist to usher in my first crown of all time due to said raisin debacle, my dentist asked, "Did you know that you grind your teeth?"  No, I didn't.  "You're going to need a night guard," he added, "oh, and your insurance doesn't cover it."  (And no more happiness!)  They proceeded to take a mold of my teeth, but to stop there would be like telling a friend over a cup of coffee, "Oh, and then the Nazi soldier asked me to turn the shower head to the left *yawn*".  No, to "take a mold" while following the instructions to "breathe" and "try not to gag" is like telling a bulimic to try and keep it down while staring at their index finger.  In short, A VERY LONG TWO MINUTES.

Last week I went to pick up the finished product.  They shoved it in my mouth and declared it a good fit, "nice and tight" they said.  I thought, "Good as in 'I can now sub for Laila Ali in a pinch'? or good as in, 'There's not a pheromone strong enough to overpower that this side of the Mississippi'?"  Personally, I think it was a little of both, which means a) I may have a boxing future after all and, b) nothing bad can ever happen to Cory.

Are you thinking it stops there?  Silly Brett.  As I got up out of my chair the dental assistant handed me the box and said, "You'll want to get some denture cleaner for that."  Say whaaa...?  "Yes, you need to soak it every night or else it will start to smell."  Within minutes I was buying Fixodent with Scope at Target.

To sum up:  Betty White is in her 90's hosting SNL and getting Emmy awards, I am in my early 40's taking hormones and soaking my night guard in denture tablets.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to hurry up and get a nap in - Price Is Right is on at ten and Marie Callendar's is featuring a new pie tonight for their early bird special.

15 comments:

Paige said...

Oh, dearie, you're still hot.

Wait until your hubby gets a big old sleep apnea mask. We're quite a pair at night. Me with my earplugs (and I have a night mouth guard, too, but I don't wear it. But it was just the kind football players wear, not my own personalized one made from the dentist) and he with his darth vader mask.

Kelly M said...

Well, if it helps you feel any better I made your white chocolate raspberry bundt cake for a FHE/Valentine's treat last night and it was SUPERB. The whole family gobbled it up. All thanks to you. Happy Valentine's Day! :)

Stefani said...

Well, at least you've still got your wit.
And I totally appreciated the Brian Regan and Kid History quotes thrown in there!!!

KS Photography said...

haha. i seriously felt the same way when I was told i needed a night guard. I'm 30. At night I feel thrust back into teenage-hood with this appliance in my mouth. my husband thinks it kind of hot and tries to kiss me. something's wrong there.

oh, you don't need denture soaking stuff. Just brush your night guard with or without toothpaste. I've had mine for 6ish months now. It's totally fine.

Ria said...

Those things are just helping you maintain the miracle.

I just bought a home microdermabrasion kit. And I grind my teeth too, but no night guard yet. Pete's is enough, although he rarely wears it.

Bring on the Depends!

Karen said...

It's totally hot Vern. I'll mail you a tea kettle and kitten nightgown to go with it. H.O.T.

Kristina P. said...

Bwahaha. If you want to take my spine, that would seal the deal on your geriatric lifestyle. I have the back of an 80-year old man.

anitamombanita said...

would it be considered mean if I laughed so hard that I wet my pants?...or just old?

Bakeshow said...

Silly Brett... you're a silly silly Brett.

Jillybean said...

Just wait until you grind your teeth so hard that the mouth guard eventually breaks in half and your dentist looks at it and says "Wow! I've never seen that happen before." then he orders you a new one (twice as thick as the first one) and you have to gag your way through another molding session and BIG SURPRISE your insurance won't cover the cost of the new one either......

Not that it's ever happened to me.

We went to two of the Kid History premier events and my kid actually got to call Brett "Silly Brett!" in person.

Lorie said...

Aaaaaa, still not impressed. Call me when you need to buy Depends.

Heather said...

Oh I remember the day I had to begin buying denture cleaner (for my retainers). I always hope I don't run into anyone I know.

Seth, Cassie, Ruby & Lucy said...

If it makes you feel better, I have a bald patch.

Garden of Egan said...

OH MY HECK!!!!
I loved this post. You totally made my day.

I can't decide what I feel the worst about.....the raisin or the preparation H.

You crack me up.

Ruth M said...

I've been wearing a nightguard since I was 21, if that makes you feel any better. And in those 14 years, not once has any of my dentists recommended denture cleaner. So, thank you for inspiring me to run to the drug store for denture cleaner for my stanky mouth guard. I appreciate it.