Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Things That Make Me Uncomfortable

1.  The words “fluids” and “shmear”
2.  Men shopping in Victoria’s Secret.  Seriously, what are you doing here?  When I am being fitted for a bra I should not be able to hear a man’s voice within at least 11 miles.  Are you there by yourself?  CREEPER.  Are you there with your wife?  Ew.  Are you there with your girlfriend?  Come on, there’s a Sports Authority across the street go make yourself useful.  
3.  Being fitted for a bra.  Strangely, not as violating as the airport security pat down but still.  Having a stranger come in my dressing room to check out my girls in the mirror is about as natural to me as asking my Gynecologist to gently scratch my back.  
4.  In my defense, I was enjoying the brilliant evening air during one of our last 80 degree days before the Fall weather rolls in.  And while it did make me uncomfortable it turns out that gnats do not actually taste that bad.
5.  Glancing out my bedroom window and seeing that my husband and son who were supposed to be long gone to play Basketball were pulled over just down the street, walking slow laps around the car.  It was dark so I couldn’t see what was happening – I threw on some sweats and headed out the back door to find out if my boys were ok.  Halfway down the stretch I spotted the injured deer in the middle of the road.  After that I spotted the injured bumper of our brand new 3 month old vehicle that is so important to Cory that he almost ordered it a birth certificate.  We are all a little sick about it, but at least the deer limped off in one piece.
6.  Pictures of women and their bare pregnant bellies.  And cupping your hands in the shape of a heart over it doesn't make it any less weird.  In fact, MORE weird.
7.  When my kids asked, "So Mom, what's been one of your lowest parenting moments?"
8.  Stores that charge $50 for a burlap throw pillow.  First of all, scratchy.  Second of all, $2.99/yd at a fabric store.  Which means some shmuck out there is making BANK for stamping the Eiffel Tower on your home decor.  Hey, I wonder where I can get an Eiffel Tower stamp?
9.  When I'm running and I say to myself, "I have to go to the bathroom" and myself answers, "you're 2 miles from home or 5 inches from that bush...."
10.    People who are too nice.  They're hiding something. Like the lady filling my tacos at Chipotle yesterday - calling me "Dear" the first time was fine, but by the 5th "Sure thing dear" I was all, "ARE YOU POISONING MY SALSA?"


KS Photography said...

Seriously, right? I had this neighbor who had perma-smile (non surgical) and was waaaaay too animated all the time. Even for a Canadian.

ray-ray says said...

I've peed many times in bushes while out on my runs. Kind of like marking my territory as I go. Kind of like the neighborhood dogs. I think there was an SNL skit that was kind of like that.

anitamombanita said...

1., I DON'T want shmear on that bagel!
2, 3, 4. agreed.
5. sorry about the car...if you were Suzy in Kentucky instead of you, I'd wonder if THIS was what happened to that deer after...and THAT would definitely make me uncomfortable...well, a little more than uncomfortable...just sayin'
6. hahaha...c'mon, have a little heart...
7. and 8. yup
9. WHAT!? Is there something wrong with that?
10. Oh, you are so funny, so talented, so smart, so witty, so gorgeous, so so so everything I want to be....what? you don't believe me?! Well, it's all true!!


Valerie said...

I whole heartedly concur!
I do like to wander around Victoria's Secret while my daughter is shopping (I should clarify, I am not a man). I just love to see the employees try to avoid me...ummm they don't carry a bra in my size. :) I think I scare them!!!

Stephanie Thomas said...

8. I know how to print on burlap AND I have a store of burlap in the basement. I'll make ya an Eiffel Tower Pillow for at least half that!

Emily Foley said...

I worked in Victoria's Secret after my freshman year at BYU. No seriously, I did. On purpose. And my first week we had our semi-annual sale and who should show up but my BROTHER-IN-LAW buying for my SISTER. I made him leave. Creepy creepy creepy. But less creepy than the woman that tried a bra on in the middle of the store because the dressing rooms were full.

Ann said...

I haven't read your blog for a long time - I forgot how funny you are! Thanks for making me laugh!!