1. The words “fluids” and “shmear”
2. Men shopping in Victoria’s Secret. Seriously, what are you doing here? When I am being fitted for a bra I should not be able to hear a man’s voice within at least 11 miles. Are you there by yourself? CREEPER. Are you there with your wife? Ew. Are you there with your girlfriend? Come on, there’s a Sports Authority across the street go make yourself useful.
3. Being fitted for a bra. Strangely, not as violating as the airport security pat down but still. Having a stranger come in my dressing room to check out my girls in the mirror is about as natural to me as asking my Gynecologist to gently scratch my back.
4. In my defense, I was enjoying the brilliant evening air during one of our last 80 degree days before the Fall weather rolls in. And while it did make me uncomfortable it turns out that gnats do not actually taste that bad.
5. Glancing out my bedroom window and seeing that my husband and son who were supposed to be long gone to play Basketball were pulled over just down the street, walking slow laps around the car. It was dark so I couldn’t see what was happening – I threw on some sweats and headed out the back door to find out if my boys were ok. Halfway down the stretch I spotted the injured deer in the middle of the road. After that I spotted the injured bumper of our brand new 3 month old vehicle that is so important to Cory that he almost ordered it a birth certificate. We are all a little sick about it, but at least the deer limped off in one piece.
6. Pictures of women and their bare pregnant bellies. And cupping your hands in the shape of a heart over it doesn't make it any less weird. In fact, MORE weird.
7. When my kids asked, "So Mom, what's been one of your lowest parenting moments?"
8. Stores that charge $50 for a burlap throw pillow. First of all, scratchy. Second of all, $2.99/yd at a fabric store. Which means some shmuck out there is making BANK for stamping the Eiffel Tower on your home decor. Hey, I wonder where I can get an Eiffel Tower stamp?
9. When I'm running and I say to myself, "I have to go to the bathroom" and myself answers, "you're 2 miles from home or 5 inches from that bush...."
10. People who are too nice. They're hiding something. Like the lady filling my tacos at Chipotle yesterday - calling me "Dear" the first time was fine, but by the 5th "Sure thing dear" I was all, "ARE YOU POISONING MY SALSA?"