Friday, November 30, 2007

"Hey Zuzu, what happens every time a devil gets its horns?"

I hate Christmas, and I'm not afraid to say it. Actually, that's a lie. I am a little afraid, because I know I'm going to be judged for saying so. But that's okay because I'm not proud of it, it just happens to be the truth. Don't misunderstand, I'm not opposed to the Christmas that gets portrayed on the front of Pottery Barn magazines or Martha Stewart specials. Those look lovely. But I don’t have a set designer, a staff, or enough money to justify themed sheets expressly for the month of December. Instead I am left to loathe the practice of Christmas list-making that my kids begin in August, the blaring of non-stop Christmas music in department stores beginning mid-November, and the fact that if I don’t decorate with lit up deer and life size snow globes on my lawn my kids call our house “boring”. Wanna know what else? I hate buying presents, because no matter who I have on my “list”, I forget at least ten people. And I never know who those ten people are until they show up on my doorstep offering me homemade doses of "aw-crap-now-I-have-to-get-YOU-something.” Not only that, but everywhere I look I see people spending more than they can afford only so I can pay later for their bankruptcy. And my final point: Aren’t we supposed to be celebrating the birth of the Savior? Because I don’t think Jesus would be very impressed with our methods. More importantly, I don’t think He would require me to hang excessive decorations or spend money to fill my house with more crap.

So yes, when it comes to Christmas I have some issues. I have even gone so far this year as to call my closest friends and say, “For Christmas, I’m not getting you anything. Thought you should know.” At this rate, I have good news and bad news. The bad news first: This gets worse every year. The good news: I just learned that it is not my fault. Last week when I was helping with Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house the topic of Christmas came up and I heard my mother from across the room mutter something like, “I just don’t like Christmas.”
My eyes flew open wide as I gasped, pointed to her and shouted, “YOU! YOU did this to me?”
“Did what?” she asked.
*I* hate Christmas!”
She winced and gave me an apologetic nod while hesitantly adding, “I just never felt like that’s how Jesus would have wanted it.”
“Ah-ha!” I pointed at her and jumped up and down. “It’s your fault!”

So you see? My disdain for this time of year isn't psychological at all, it's just biology! What a relief. In the meantime my Bishop has asked me to write the Christmas program for church. After politely and eloquently sharing with him my thoughts, (I believe "Uh...but I hate Christmas" may have been my exact words) he replied, "Well then," he replied, "maybe there's a reason you're being asked."

Well then.
I hope he's right.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

"To hell with Christmas"?!

I can't even believe you just said that, you big scrooge! I think that Hawaiian vacation got your seasons messed up.

I'll have to cross you off my Christmas card list.

Paige said...

Ooh, I LOVE "Damnit now I have to get you something"! That's my favorite treat!

Kerri said...

Have you seen "Christmas With the Kranks"? It's your kind of movie. It's based on the book, "Skipping Christmas". Oh,and.....Scrooge!!!! hahahaha

Ginger said...

After spending eleven hours at the church setting up a party that was over in two hours, only to spend another two cleaning up, I feel your pain a little. That said , I love Christmas! I understand the need to get to things more spriritual as well. The whole "I want/need/havetogetthisorI'lldie" thing gets really old, really quick. Anyway, I'm still wishing you a Merry one!
Ginger

"Vern" said...

Kerri: When I read that book I got giddy inside. It's a brilliant idea I totally plan on doing someday!

Anonymous said...

So if you want more Savior in your CHRISTmas Then you better start reading all the scriptures about his birth, and if you need some ideas i just got this list of scriptures that you read one each night while lighting a candle. You better write all that you are DOING that makes you think of Christ more. If not then SCROOGE to you, you hypocrite. :) :)

all my love Boliver

Paige said...

You get to write the Christmas program for church? Oh, that's a great one, bishop!

JustRandi said...

I'm still in denial about my Christmas feelings. It's never been my favorite holiday, but I'm not ready to use the H word yet.

I keep thinking I can fix it so things are better.

Or maybe I've just been burning too many mistletoe and evergreen candles.

Pauly said...

Don't let the naysayers bring you down. When you have some time, check out my friend's blog about a Christmas present seriously gone wrong. http://famcruise.blogspot.com/

This is about as far afield from the meaning of Christmas as you get. I think you're on to something.

Nevertheless, I'll be sure to have Sherise bake you some goodies ... :)