Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Also, You’re Not Supposed To Drink Toilet Water

I’m not an idiot, but sometimes I play one on this blog. Case in point, this morning I broke out my blender (as I often do) to mix up a breakfast smoothie. Now. I hate my blender. Hate, hate, HATE my blender. Here’s a bright idea, Vern. If you hate your blender so much why don’t you just go buy a new one? BECAUSE. This IS a new one, and it’s not returnable (discontinued – bought the display model – “such a great deal!” – GAH!) I hate it for two reasons. One, because it is wussy. The blades are such that they were not trained to take in aggressive and hearty ingredients such as YOGURT and MILK, not to mention the sheer audacity one might have to throw in a frozen berry. No, no. Throwing in actual ingredients causes the blender to seize like a pregnant woman in the throes of morning sickness enduring the constant struggle to keep her food down; the blades spin out of control at the base, mixing one fourth of the contents into frothy oblivion while the rest of the ingredients sit on top, lurching in small waves as if to protest, “I WILL NOT YIELD!”

Secondly, my blender is so FREAKING loud that if I put it in a yelling contest with Jillian Michaels I’d be all, “What’s that Jillian? I can’t hear you! You’re going to have convey my inadequacies a little LOUDER.” And I bet she’d be like, “GAME ON!” and then I’d bleed to death from all the blood coming out of my ears and it would finally be quiet.

So, yeah. HATE my blender.

As I mixed my regular concoction this morning we launched into our regular routine, except for some reason this time I thought I could outsmart my blender. In other words, I asked myself, “Is it really necessary for the blades to be completely stopped before I shove my knife in there to help it along?” As it turns out, YES. Yes, it is. On the positive side, berries and soy milk and all their protein and nutrients has to be good for a person’s hair, no?

It’s not that I didn’t know it was a bad idea, I just thought I could handle it. Which made me realize something - it is because of people like me that companies have to write warnings on their boxing materials like, “Marbles are not for gargling” and “Juggling of the Ginsu knives may cause bodily injury”. This morning I happened upon this article about the Nation’s Wackiest Label Contest. Among the contest winners:
1. “Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover”
2. “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking”
3. “This product not intended for use as a dental drill”
If I could just add one more, “Despite the fact that the noise from this appliance emanates from the very depths of Purgatory and it might require several minutes of your patience to obtain something as simple as a smoothie without attracting bodily harm, do not insert sharp objects while the blade of this product is in motion. You’ll poke an eye out.” Luckily, my eyes are in tact. I do, however, have various shades of berry now gracing my sweats.

31 comments:

Carly Almost Richardson said...

I laughed so hard!!! I don't know what made me laugh harder. Your Jillian Michaels reference or your pregnant woman analogy. Your nuts. =)

jksfam said...

Just get a new blender already!!! A good one will definitely make you happy!

just call me jo said...

But why, I ask you, can there not be a good blender that doesn't cost one month's salary?? I have whatever you have. (Let me tell you wooden spoons go into splinters alll through the smoothie...alll over the kitchen.) Knife blades ARE more dangerous and not as fiberous. Ha, ha!! Choke, laugh, gnaw on wood chips! The pregnant and Jillian metaphors were priceless. Have you ever thought of pancakes for breakfast instead?

We live in a Zoo! said...

Lol! Glad you are ok.
PS-get a hand mixer, then you hold the blades and shove them into the frozen berries, it works a whole heck of a lot better ;D I have a Cuisinart, Its amazing!

Naomi Miles said...

I often forget I can't actually touch hot trays in the oven with my bare fingers!

Emily said...

A warning printing in the instructions to my new straightening iron: "Do not use while sleeping."

Paige said...

Well, the good news is--maybe you broke the blender and then can justify spending $20 to get a new one.

kjha said...

I'm a follower from your LRS days and I just had to comment on this one...when I was on my mission a young couple invited 2 sets of missionaries for dinner. As a treat they made us shakes. When my companion nearly choked on a hard piece of plastic the wife looked accusingly at the husband and said, "I told you not to stick that spoon in there."

Mom of Three said...

That's why I have a juicer and a blender. So much smarter?!

Cynthia said...

Hilarious. (Are there really blenders on the market that actually blend?)

Brent Taylor said...

Yes Cynthia (and everyone) there is a blender on the market that works. Check out http://www.blendtec.com/willitblend/

ganelle said...

I saw fork the cash, and get a blender that WONT lead to a $100 ER visit someday...

Bryn said...

Yes, I understand! I have been through so many blenders because I refuse to pay the really big bucks for one! Right now I am on my second Bosch Blender attachment and need to get a new part for it because someone saw fit to leave it in the blender, which gets turned on if you use the Bosch! It does have pretty good power though! Hilarious post! Reminded me of when I opened my front loading washing machine when I could see the water and suds level half way up the door! Really? I thought I could throw something in there faster than the water could come out, really? Yep!

Heather said...

Jeremy had the same thoughts with my plastic spoons and the blender. Yeah, that was one AWESOME chunky smoothy.

Rachel said...

It's genetic: Randy is CRAZY about having a muscular blender. I am fine with the regular, household strength kind. We're all much happier now that he bought a big tough one that "works as hard as he does." And no more whining from Randy about it.

Go get a tougher one and stop stressing about it.

Meg said...

SERIOUSLY???? A knife????

Bethany said...

I am posting a comment. Because you are so funny.

Amy said...

Wait a minute. Hold the phones. There are blenders that DON'T do all of those things?

Where do I get me one of those?

Jill said...

Why don't you just use your cool hand mixer to make your smoothie?

mormonhermitmom said...

Oh that's right. That's why I don't use the blender. LOL

Stefani said...

that's funny I was going to say the same think as emily. my flat iron reminds me not to use it while sleeping...

we have a Vitamix! Let me tell ya... it has been the best thing EVER! Ya, they are a little expensive, but we have had it for 15 years and it is still going strong. It plows through those hard to chop items like yogurt - and it can even take clumps of frozen berries, ice and any other form of a fossil you might want to add to your drinks.

It's also loud, my hubby keeps a pair of industrial strength ear protectors in the drawer underneath - but that is mostly for when we grind wheat. It's ok though, at least I can't hear Jillian yelling at me when I'm putting ice-cream and other products high in milk fat in my smoothies.

rocslinger said...

As you were standing there dripping milk and yogurt was your first thought, hey, now I have something funny to blog about or were you mortified that Drew and Sam might see you in all your dairy glory.

b. said...

I cannot stand Jillian.

But I think you are a riot!

Chachie32 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Emily said...

I did this in high school while trying to make one of those slim fast shakes. That darn ice always gets stuck under the blades! I'm pretty sure I just put it away as if nothing had happened. Rotten child!

However, I was the middle child of 7, nobody noticed me making a shake anyway.

I always get a kick out of, "Do not use the hair dryer while bathing or near water" label. I would like to know who DOESN'T use their hair dryer near water?

Buffy said...

Ahhh...I am having flashbacks of being a teenager and living in the basement right below the kitchen with my mother blending to oblivion! I wanted to kill myself!
Hilarious!

the5firds said...

But your blender is so cute- and that's what really is important isn't it? Call me and we'll go to Costco to get a SMOOTHIE MAKER!

Vern said...

emily: I'm cracking up about your middle child/no one noticing you making the milkshake anyway. At least you're over it. :)

Sarah Lindahl said...

Oh my god, I'm still laughing about Jillian Michaels and bleeding out the ears. Love your blog! I just found it. You're on my google reader now!
Sarah

Sarah Lindahl said...

Oh my god, I'm still laughing about Jillian Michaels and bleeding out the ears. Love your blog! I just found it. You're on my google reader now!
Sarah

The Webb Clan said...

I freaking love you! Oh thank you for that, I needed it. Made me definitely appreciate my blender more. I think I'll go make a smoothie now.