Even The Sexiest Man Alive Had To Have Work Done

Dear Universe:  I think you have me mixed up with somebody else.  Specifically, I think you are under the impression that I am independently wealthy and I want to set the record straight before you burden me with any more surprise expenses.  Love surprises, hate expenses.  Capiche?  Please stop crossing your wires.  What with the emergency surgery, both cars needing new tires, our property taxes quadrupling, and the $1500 car repair that was required after sliding on icy roads into a curb, I sorta thought we were done.  Then the orthodontist called and said, "Hey, remember me?  My 2009 Ferrari is on its last leg and I am in desperate need of a new one.  This time, yellow, I think.  Please bring your daughter in for her appointment so we can get the ball rolling."  And I will tell you THIS, universe, the ball is SOOOO rolling.  As in, "I know you've already paid three thousand dollars for phase ONE, Mrs. Vern, but your daughter is definitely going to need a phase TWO.  This time it's going to cost FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS.  Think you're getting ripped off?  Apparently you've never SEEN the yellow Ferrari.  Call me and I promise to give you a ride sometime.  It's the least I can do."  Are you listening to me people?  EIGHT THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't think my daughter is worth it.  It's just that I think two Caribbean cruises would be more fun.  Also, I'm a little worried that the word will get out and before you know it Pamela Anderson will be calling us for a loan to help her pay off the $500,000 of back taxes she owes in California.  (Watch your back, Pamela.  The Governator has your number.  P.S. When he calls, be sure to call him that.  He can't get enough of it.)  Worse yet, what if Bill Gates gives us a jingle hoping for financial assistance to help pay for a personality?  I mean, I know he's loaded, but that's got to cost a BUNDLE.

I understand why straight, white teeth are imperative for certain people.  Celebrities, for example, have an image to protect but they also have the bank accounts to back it up.  Us?  We are an accountant/stay at home family that lives in the Rocky Mountains.  Certainly we should be able to enjoy some of the dental freedoms that the Brits do.  Then again, I also remember what it felt like for me when I got my braces off.  For the first time in my life I was able to look in the mirror and think that whoever landed me "as long as we both shall live" was one lucky dude.  Plus, celebrity or not, don't you think it's better for ALL of us that Celine Dion had her teeth fixed?

Seriously, that first picture is like, "Sorry, the role of the 80's version of the vampire loving Bella has already been cast."  And the 2nd picture?  Even though she's wearing too much blue eye shadow I would totally trust that lady to watch my kids.  Next up, George Clooney:

BEFORE: "Newsies" reject.

AFTER:  Well helllloooo Mr. Sexiest Man Alive.

Then again, this might have more to do with the beret vs. the tux. 

This here is rapper 50 Cent.  The way I see it, at some point this guy is going to be doing the rounds as an inner city motivational speaker inspiring kids to never give up on their dreams.  And when he does, I think his "AFTER" shot makes a better statement.  Plus, it encourages all those successful rappers to spend their new found fortune on something useful instead of pointless bling with their momma's initials.

Miley Cyrus.  Sure her teeth look better, but I'm also feeling oddly grateful that in both pictures she has plucked her eyebrows.  Good job Miley, 'cuz your dad is really hairy.

Zac Efron BEFORE:  Aren't you the guy who used to drop all your books in the hallway at school after the football players gave you a wedgie?

Zac Efron AFTER:  Don't you realize that there are OTHER girls to date besides the head cheerleader?  SECOND STRING BASKETBALL PLAYERS ARE PEOPLE TOO!

So, yeah.  Samantha's getting braces.  Again.