Thursday, September 16, 2010

If American Idol Was High School

I think American Idol has jumped the shark, but unfortunately people are still talking about it. Simon’s gone! Ellen’s leaving! JLo’s coming! Will Steven Tyler sign or are the risks too high that he will inhale contestants with his massive, vocal orifice when offering criticism? Still, the reports aren’t going away and I’m starting to feel like I’m in high school all over again.

Simon Cowell is like the Principal. He thinks he’s the smartest one there and that he’s better than everyone else but with visions of greener grass, he is switching teams and moving to another high school to do the same exact thing. Some feel betrayed, others are relieved, and everyone else doesn’t really care. (For the record, I am “everyone else”.)

Ryan Seacrest: he’s the cute guy from Choir who straddles the popular/unpopular line – popular with all the girls in the choir because all the other guys in the group are lame enough to make Ryan look like the hottest thing since Nutella became available at Costco.  UNpopular because, come on, it’s just Choir. Also? The boys like him too. I think it’s the blazers.

Paula Abdul: the head cheerleader – dumped by the football captain two days before Homecoming on account of being so short it really made slow dancing uncomfortable.  Plus, she wore too much eyeliner and people were starting to talk.  Other cheerleaders shunned her, forcing her to quit the team and start looking to the Chess Club for guys to date.

Kara Dioguardi: the new girl at school - not really that hot, but intriguing because nobody knows that in 2nd grade she had a mole the size of Wisconsin on her upper lip, or that in middle school she flunked PE -  she tries to be a friend to Paula and offers supportive feedback such as, “Paula, don’t hate me ‘cuz I’m beautiful and taller than three foot nothing. You take everything so personally.” She’s essentially the new head cheerleader, but no one really cares because, remember? The football captain is suddenly available!

Randy Jackson: The dawg who name drops all the people he made famous. Nobody really knows who he is, or what he’s done, or why he’s on the panel to begin with until he says things like, “I signed Mariah Carey”. Which makes Randy the high school yearbook editor. He still dates the common folk, but at the end of the day he can sprawl out on his couch, lace his hands behind his head and smile knowing that the pictures he took of the Prom Queen at lunch that day were going to show up on page 18 of the yearbook and HE HAD EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THAT.

Ellen: Your band has decided to invite some friends over on Saturday to hear you play a free concert out of your parents’ garage. You know that your closest friends will be there, but you’re hoping to draw a bigger crowd so you advertise, “Concert AND Comedian!” But the two don’t really go together, and at the end of the day you realize you should have just promised free hash instead.

Jennifer Lopez: Voted Homecoming Queen ten years ago, hoping to return and have everyone remember her from her glory days.  (i.e. Before "Bennifer", and waaayy before "Gigli".)  Unfortunately, no one has any reason to care what she thinks anymore.  We're not fooled by the rocks that she’s got, we know she’s just Jenny from the block.

One major problem facing American Idol is that there's no clearly defined role of the Football Quarterback.  Has no one considered Chris Pine?  Hugh JackmanEric DaneJavier BodemJames Marsden?  Do you get me?  Who am I leaving out?


Carly Richardson said...

I love reading how your brilliant mind thinks. Dead on with every one of them!

Patty Ann said...

Love it! This is so right on and that is the reason that I don't watch it anymore. Had myself a good chuckle today!

jeremyandleslie said...

Harry Connick Jr.! They need him desperately!

Vern said...

jeremyandleslie: brilliant! I would totally watch if Harry was on.

Stefani said...

My heart started beating faster just reading the title of this post. I wasn't disappointed. It was so perfect. And as much as I don't want to go back to high school... I do love American Idol. I'm waiting to see how it all pans out since I DON'T love J-Lo (or Steven Tyler, for that matter) I do however like Randy and Ryan (and not in a you're the "cool" choir boy way) I think he does his job really well.

I heard something on the radio when Ellen quit that still makes me laugh today. The DJ said, "Ellen quit AI today stating that she had too many things on her plate. I think though that was just her way of saying AI was about to tank and she wanted to jump ship while her image was still good" HA!

I like all your suggestions for the quarterback! And I totally agree with them. We definitely need some WOW factor!

And I heard Harry Connick Jr. turned down the position -- which I'm happy about or I probably wouldn't be going to see him in concert this Saturday.

ganelle said...

This is why I skip the whole mess of it all.

Thelissa said...

I third the Harry Connick Jr. And he even has musical knowledge. I also want to say, your blog cracks me up. I know you have no idea who I am, and quite frankly I can't remember how I found you, but I will never leave. You are very funny!

Vern said...

Stefani: I'm so relieved I didn't disappoint you - it's almost too much pressure.

Ganelle: Shouldn't you be busy pretending that you're not the one sending me AARP applications?

Thelissa: However you found me, I'm glad you came! And stayed. You rock.

Aaron and Devony said...

Please include Richard Armitage on your list. He can be the sexy newcomer no one knows anything about. Maybe the guy who stars in the school plays? I don't think he has any music experience, but he can be the eye candy. Check out the second picture when you google image him. Yowzas! I'm gonna go watch North and South now.

Mom and Camera said...

Seriously Kristy, HOW DO YOU THINK OF THIS STUFF?!?!? Actually, I really don't care, I am just glad I get to read it and laugh!

We Don't Mean to Brag said...

I am just hoping for another classic song like "pants on the ground" to come out this next season.

I have to admit that without Simon and Paula it just isn't the same Dawg!

Rachey said...

This was fun:)

Rachel said...

You're hilarious. And apparently it's in your genes. I actually called my husband at work to read him the posts about your dad and the fruit cake and your dad and the peach pie. He laughed out loud too.

Anyhoo... you're missing Matt Bomer. He's my favorite eye candy, and probably knows as much about music as any of the past panel members.

Vern said...

Rachel: I fully support the Matt Bomer plug!