Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Tidbits From Dix - 1991 Installment

The year is 1991, and a young, 20-year-old white boy (in the form of my younger brother) was preparing to serve a mission for his church in Ecuador.  While training at the Missionary Training Center (MTC) in Provo, Utah, he stated in a letter home that he was craving homemade peach pie.  My Dad drafted a response, requested that my mom help him type it, and sent it off to my brother.  At a time when computer networking was not what it is today, my mom would make copies of all these letters and mail them to the rest of us.  Lucky for you, I saved them!  I think this will help answer two questions: 1) What do you think Vern's parents are like? and, 2) What do you think peach pie with horseradish would taste like?  (I never said they were questions you would ask.)  Here is my Dad's letter:

Regarding the peach pie request, I think we have a plan that will work.  We will send you, in separate packages, the following:
(a) 1# of dried peaches
(b) 2 flour tortillas
(c) 1/2 cup sugar
(d) 2' of aluminum foil
(e) 2 TBSP  dried horse radish
(f) A stapler

1.  Put the dried peaches in water.  (If you have no container in which to put them, you might string them together -- using your sewing kit -- and wear them lei fashion -- in the shower for 2 hours).  (If the peaches are not sufficiently softened by that time, wrap a wet towel around your neck, being careful to keep the peaches next to your body with the towel on top, and do jumping jacks for 45 minutes.  The combination of body heat, body exudate, and towel moisture will--hypothetically--soften any peach to a chewable consistency.) (Note:  significant literature on this procedure is lacking.)
2.  Place the peaches on one of the tortillas
3.  Take another shower and dry off with the same towel so that the towel is drooling wet
4.  Spread the towel on the floor and empty the sugar onto the towel
5.  Roll the towel up and then, with your companion twisting one direction and you twisting the opposite direction, squeeze the sugared towel water on to the peaches--gently. (Editors note:  It is all I can do to type this!  I mean, how does he think up all this stuff?  What goes on in that mind, anyway??? ~mom)
6.  Place the other tortilla on top of the gently sweetened peaches and staple the edges of the two tortillas together--gently.
7.  The aluminum foil may be used in either of the following ways to bake the pie.
(a) Separate the foil into 2 equal pieces and wrap 1/2 the pie in each piece.  Place each wrapped piece securely under each arm and sleep for 24 hours lying on your back without moving.  This method is referred to as "cool fusion" in academic circles.  (There is considerable debate as to whether this is a physical or chemical reaction.)  Remove the pies after 24 hours.
(b)  Place the pie outside on a steel table in full sunlight.  Have your companion bend his body into the shape of a perfect parabola and carefully fold the foil against this parabolic shape. (Caution:  Beware of noses and navels or you may get raw spots in your pie.) (Editors note:  This is really gross and offensive. ~mom)  Orient your companion so that the suns' rays strike the parabolic foil and are focused on the pie.  Have your companion stand on one leg and gently rotate him so that the rays are spread evenly over the whole surface of the pie.*  Cooking time is approximately 30 minutes and voila--Most Thoroughly Cooked Peach Pie.  Be sure and remove the staples before eating.
8.  I was kidding about the dried horse radish.

* There is a sound track for this particular procedure, it is called "My Turn on Earth".


Stefani said...

I bet his craving went away soon after reading this;)

Rachey said...

That is truly amazing. I'm so glad you saved this so I could experience it all these years later.

ganelle said...

I feel like I am simply continuing to understand why Vern is the way Vern is. Hmm.

Marianne & Clayton said...

Pure awesome. I wish your dad had a blog.

(To which anyone would reply, "your dad.")

Mom of Three said...

OK, that explains sooo much!

Jen said...

I agree - your dad needs a blog! He is hilarious!!! And I LOVE that your mom comments with Editors notes - Classic! Can I adopt them as MY parents?

violyngirl said...

This particular post really does explains a lot.

Lisa Loo said...

I don't know if I commented back on the ant and the fruitcake blog entry but I know I have told half my universe at least about it. They will be so grateful that I now have a new story to share. Forget the blog--your Dad needs to write a book!! You have no idea how badly I needed this laugh--thank you for sharing---

Carly said...

I see where your writing skills come from and some of your crazy thoughts. =) SO FUNNY.

Jill said...

Awesome! I'll give you five bucks if you enter it in your ward cookbook

[Stacia] said...

Hilarious! I get why you are the way you are.

rocslinger said...

Funny, did your brother try this?

Meg said...

I loved the editors notes.

Marylynn said...

I laughed so hard I cried -- thanks for making my day! And I will never look at peach pie again without thinking of this post.

"Cottage By The Sea" said...

This may be the funniest thing I've ever read. Well, that, and your post, Glitter Boobs. (We've all been there.) It's perfectly clear now where you get your witty, crazy, writing talent. Keep it up, when I tune in here you always make my day.

Dodi said...

I haven't laughed that hard in a LONG time! Thanks for this!!