PEACH PIE ALA DIX
Regarding the peach pie request, I think we have a plan that will work. We will send you, in separate packages, the following:(a) 1# of dried peaches(b) 2 flour tortillas(c) 1/2 cup sugar(d) 2' of aluminum foil(e) 2 TBSP dried horse radish(f) A stapler
DIRECTIONS:1. Put the dried peaches in water. (If you have no container in which to put them, you might string them together -- using your sewing kit -- and wear them lei fashion -- in the shower for 2 hours). (If the peaches are not sufficiently softened by that time, wrap a wet towel around your neck, being careful to keep the peaches next to your body with the towel on top, and do jumping jacks for 45 minutes. The combination of body heat, body exudate, and towel moisture will--hypothetically--soften any peach to a chewable consistency.) (Note: significant literature on this procedure is lacking.)2. Place the peaches on one of the tortillas3. Take another shower and dry off with the same towel so that the towel is drooling wet4. Spread the towel on the floor and empty the sugar onto the towel5. Roll the towel up and then, with your companion twisting one direction and you twisting the opposite direction, squeeze the sugared towel water on to the peaches--gently. (Editors note: It is all I can do to type this! I mean, how does he think up all this stuff? What goes on in that mind, anyway??? ~mom)6. Place the other tortilla on top of the gently sweetened peaches and staple the edges of the two tortillas together--gently.7. The aluminum foil may be used in either of the following ways to bake the pie.(a) Separate the foil into 2 equal pieces and wrap 1/2 the pie in each piece. Place each wrapped piece securely under each arm and sleep for 24 hours lying on your back without moving. This method is referred to as "cool fusion" in academic circles. (There is considerable debate as to whether this is a physical or chemical reaction.) Remove the pies after 24 hours.(b) Place the pie outside on a steel table in full sunlight. Have your companion bend his body into the shape of a perfect parabola and carefully fold the foil against this parabolic shape. (Caution: Beware of noses and navels or you may get raw spots in your pie.) (Editors note: This is really gross and offensive. ~mom) Orient your companion so that the suns' rays strike the parabolic foil and are focused on the pie. Have your companion stand on one leg and gently rotate him so that the rays are spread evenly over the whole surface of the pie.* Cooking time is approximately 30 minutes and voila--Most Thoroughly Cooked Peach Pie. Be sure and remove the staples before eating.8. I was kidding about the dried horse radish.
* There is a sound track for this particular procedure, it is called "My Turn on Earth".