Friday, September 10, 2010

This Might Be A Long 2 Months

In two months and fourteen days I will have completed my 4th decade of life. In case this math is too complicated, I am almost 40 years old. Don’t you think I’m taking it really well? It’s probably because I know in my heart of hearts that I don’t look a day older than 39 ½. Plus, the beauty of old age is that I get to watch teenagers recycle the fashion from my prime while thinking it was their idea first. I like feeling smarter than them, with or without the big belt hanging off my hip.

The other bonus is that I’m inching closer and closer to being able to do the Sit And Be Fit Workout and declaring that a success. Unfortunately, I’m still young enough for people to expect that marathons are possible, so when I get to the point that being able to move my thumbs in and out is an impressive feat I’m prepared to celebrate that. Plus, someone needs to keep an eye on that lady – I’m not sure I trust her, but I figure it’s not my business yet. But the point is, I’m CLOSER to that being my business, and I can’t wait to corner that lady and find out once and for all what her secret is – I think we all know it’s not the nude pantyhose.

The down side to aging, however, other than the increasing viability of needing bladder repair surgery, is that somebody is trying to mess with me. At 9:30 this morning the “Scooter Store” showed up on my caller ID.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Hello,” the other end replied. “Is Vern there?”
“This is she.”
“Hi. I’m calling in response to your inquiry about motorized wheelchairs?”
“As if! I haven’t used one of those since they stole my ovaries and I couldn’t walk but desperately needed some milk from the Super Wal Mart!”
“Sorry ma’am, it says here you tried to call. I won’t be bothering you again.”

I went down to check my email, where I came upon a message from a guy named Tommy. The subject line read: “Your Path To Better Hearing”. What the crap? Delete. Thirty minutes later I got a phone call from Tommy.
“Hi. Is Vern there?”
“This is she.”
“This is Tommy from the better hearing store. I see you’ve downloaded our free information guide on the internet. I called to answer your questions about our hearing aid?”
I thought it would be funny if I yelled, “What?! Speak up! I CAN’T HEAR YOU.” But instead I started to chuckle. “Here’s the thing Tommy, someone is screwing with me. I’m sorry you had to get involved.”
We hung up with a promise that he would delete my information from all files.

So far I’ve asked three people who have vehemently denied any involvement, and I believe them, but this is no coincidence. I’ve only got one more call to try and weed out the instigator before I’m out of ideas – in other words, if you are the chick who put your bust measurements into the online calculator only to have it respond, “If these measurements are correct, you don’t need a bra”, (true story) then expect a phone call. If you are a crazy stalker desperate to be part of my fascinating life and this is your twisted way of trying to work your way in, you are overestimating my cool factor. And your check is in the mail. Other than that, I don’t know who’s toying with my head but whoever you are, be nice. I’m steps away from raising my arms over my head while sitting in a chair and calling it “exertion”.


jksfam said...

Have you already called Ganelle? I'm sure 40 will be great for you, too! That's my next birthday - but it's still 11 months away... :) Thanks for the Sit and Be Fit link! ;) There was actually a young woman at about 1:00.

rocslinger said...

40 has nowhere near the imapact on the psyche that 50 has.

Kuddos to the culprit, wish it was me, but no, I'm not that clever.

Patty Ann said...

OH yeah! I so know how you are feeling, but now that I am 50, I don't have the sympathy for 40 anymore! That half a century old is almost older than dirt!! Loved the post. Had myself a good laugh than a cry because I sometimes do that....just for fun.

[Stacia] said...

I too was wondering if Ganelle is the 'bust measurement' girl. :) Great idea, though!

Strate Fam said...

It's Ganelle.

Dix and Lynn said...

None of them bothered me...until 70! Seventy is a big deal...I aged 10 years overnight just trying to adapt! MOM

Meg said...

I have gotten hearing aid info for years. I think it was with kid 4, so I was not even 30 yet, that I called and told them I was not a senior and please take me off their list. 5 years later and I'm still getting said info and senior stuff. The worst was info to get gastric stomach surgery.

Stefani said...

Ha! This is funny. I'm gonna have to remember that one.

violyngirl said...

I would like to know if Tommy and the Scooter Store guy actually called you "Vern". That's important information. Thank you.

Vern said...

Strate fam: At first glance I thought I got a comment from "State Farm" and I was like, "What? They found my BLOG?" Phew, that was close. And for the record, Ganelle has already been ruled out.

violyngirl - no, they didn't call me "vern", but wouldn't that have been awesome?

the emily said...

It has to be your friend who went on vacation and came home to a gift-wrapped house!

Vanessa said...

I wish I wasn't so involved with my own inability to put dinner on the table to have been the one brilliant enough to have done that:) Love ya!

mormonhermitmom said...

I think being 39 1/2 was more stressful than actually having the birthday. It'll be okay. Really.

And get a nice padded cushion for those Sit and Be Fit episodes. It makes a huge difference!

The Girl said...

Not to put a damper on your 40th, but do you realize you're actually entering your *5th* decade? Enjoy!!

Vern said...

The Girl: Doh!

Lorie said...

#1- You really think you can "rule out" Ganelle after all the two have been through? Come on?!

#2- Do we really need to bring my chest into this?!

Jen said...

I vote that it's Ganelle or your hubby :)

My hubby just turned 40 - mere weeks before his 40th he got an advertisement in the mail congratulating him on his birthday and asking if he'd like to join the AARP..."Dear (hubby's name) congratulations on your upcoming birthday. Please consider joining the AARP..." blah blah blah...the best moment was the look on his face when I handed him the postcard and said "Here, you've gotten some mail" and I said it with a straight face!

Coincidentally, we made SUCH a big deal of 40 that when you ask my toddler how old he is, he responds "Forty"

Get used to it now kid, get used to it now.