A friend of mine told me that when she gets bored at church she sometimes looks around, sizes people up, and tries to decide who she would want in her handcart company if she ever had to be a pioneer. I thought it was a genius idea if I ever got bored at church, but since I am far more evolved than my spiritually destitute friend it hasn’t been necessary. However, sometimes I get bored thinking about going to church and that’s when I let my mind wander to this game, except I expanded the parameters and made a list of who I would want in my handcart company if I had to choose from celebrities. You know me, I always like to take things a step further. So, here you go.
TOP 10 LIST
MY CELEBRITY HANDCART COMPANY
Chuck Norris – Duh.
Milli Vanilli – Making the trek across the plains means there will be rain, followed by mud, and then people will start to get cranky and just when we’re tempted to point fingers and blame each other Milli Vanilli will start singing “Blame It On The Rain”, which is kind of catchy and will put us all in a better mood. Except, wait. Maybe we should just bring a copy of “their” CD.
George Clooney – Cliché? Maybe, but what if polygamy comes back? Do we want all our kids to be ugly?
MacGyver – Need to borrow some corn from your Indian neighbors but they don’t understand your hand gestures? Don’t fret, MacGyver knows Cherokee! Got a bonnet that’s not keeping enough sun from your eyes? He’ll weave some thread from the silkworm and stitch on a palm frond. Where does he get the palm frond in the middle of Wyoming? Silly rabbit, with a magnifying glass and a cow pie. Don’t you know anything?
Brian Regan – Ultimately, stick pulling is going to lose its flair and we’re going to need a back up plan. Not to mention we’re going to need an opener on Family Talent Night.
Keira Knightly – I think if she told me to fetch some water it wouldn’t bother me because I’d be like, “Cool accent!” and I think all the other pioneer women would be the same way. We would get so much done! “Hey, grab that chicken by the talons and cut off it’s head.” We’d run and get the chicken and come back giggling, going, “Say it again! Say it again!”
Justin Bieber – On a bad day when all the young girls are PMS'ing and have their pantaloons in a twist, you could just be like, “Look! It’s Justin Bieber!”
Hugh Jackman – FOR HIS SWEET SPIRIT.
Dr. Phil – Because eventually one of the handcarts is going to break down and MacGyver will be all, “Anyone got a safety pin?” and Norris will be like, “Just shoot it!” Then, “No! I just need a safety pin!” followed by, “Where’s my rifle?”
They'll go back and forth, and we’ll need Dr. Phil to be there to say, “I don’t care how flat you make a pancake it’s got two sides.” He will hear them both out, MacGyver will fix the handcart and then Norris will go get our dinner. Everybody wins.
Paula Deen – Not only would she make us awesome scrambled eggs but I think she would be the sort to help me toilet paper Dr. Phil’s tent in the middle of the night. He’ll think that’s so funny, then Paula and I will become Dr. Phil’s favorites. This will come in super handy when I have to make the appointment to see him for my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when this is all over.
So, what about you? Who’s in your handcart company?