Tuesday, March 22, 2011

My Celebrity Handcart Company

A friend of mine told me that when she gets bored at church she sometimes looks around, sizes people up, and tries to decide who she would want in her handcart company if she ever had to be a pioneer.  I thought it was a genius idea if I ever got bored at church, but since I am far more evolved than my spiritually destitute friend it hasn’t been necessary.  However, sometimes I get bored thinking about going to church and that’s when I let my mind wander to this game, except I expanded the parameters and made a list of who I would want in my handcart company if I had to choose from celebrities.  You know me, I always like to take things a step further.  So, here you go. 

TOP 10 LIST 
 MY CELEBRITY HANDCART COMPANY

Chuck Norris – Duh.
Milli Vanilli – Making the trek across the plains means there will be rain, followed by mud, and then people will start to get cranky and just when we’re tempted to point fingers and blame each other Milli Vanilli will start singing “Blame It On The Rain”, which is kind of catchy and will put us all in a better mood.  Except, wait.  Maybe we should just bring a copy of “their” CD.
George Clooney – Cliché?  Maybe, but what if polygamy comes back?  Do we want all our kids to be ugly?
MacGyver – Need to borrow some corn from your Indian neighbors but they don’t understand your hand gestures?  Don’t fret, MacGyver knows Cherokee!  Got a bonnet that’s not keeping enough sun from your eyes?  He’ll weave some thread from the silkworm and stitch on a palm frond.  Where does he get the palm frond in the middle of Wyoming?  Silly rabbit, with a magnifying glass and a cow pie.  Don’t you know anything? 
Brian Regan – Ultimately, stick pulling is going to lose its flair and we’re going to need a back up plan.  Not to mention we’re going to need an opener on Family Talent Night.
Keira Knightly – I think if she told me to fetch some water it wouldn’t bother me because I’d be like, “Cool accent!” and I think all the other pioneer women would be the same way.  We would get so much done!  “Hey, grab that chicken by the talons and cut off it’s head.”  We’d run and get the chicken and come back giggling, going, “Say it again!  Say it again!”
Justin Bieber – On a bad day when all the young girls are PMS'ing and have their pantaloons in a twist, you could just be like, “Look!  It’s Justin Bieber!”
Hugh Jackman – FOR HIS SWEET SPIRIT.
Dr. Phil – Because eventually one of the handcarts is going to break down and MacGyver will be all, “Anyone got a safety pin?” and Norris will be like, “Just shoot it!”  Then, “No!  I just need a safety pin!” followed by, “Where’s my rifle?”   
“Safety pin!”
“Rifle!”
They'll go back and forth, and we’ll need Dr. Phil to be there to say, “I don’t care how flat you make a pancake it’s got two sides.”  He will hear them both out, MacGyver will fix the handcart and then Norris will go get our dinner.  Everybody wins.    
Paula Deen – Not only would she make us awesome scrambled eggs but I think she would be the sort to help me toilet paper Dr. Phil’s tent in the middle of the night.  He’ll think that’s so funny, then Paula and I will become Dr. Phil’s favorites.  This will come in super handy when I have to make the appointment to see him for  my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder when this is all over.

So, what about you?  Who’s in your handcart company?

29 comments:

Valerie said...

I think you have really outdone yourself this time! Hilarious!!!
I am going to have to put some serious thought into this. Maybe on Sunday???
Jack Bauer does come to mind, though.

Karen said...

FOR HIS SWEET SPIRIT!!

I'm totally with you girlfriend.

You would really be doing him a favor by allowing him to come. A serious self-esteem boost.

You are so gracious.

Stefani said...

I CANNOT stop laughing!!! You've picked a bunch of winners! I vote to be in your group! Except... you're going to make me choose between George Clooney and Hugh Jackman??? This is going to take some serious thought (and maybe some prayer and fasting).

Lani Wendt Young said...

I totally agree that Hugh Jackman needs to come along for his sweet spirit. Totally. And Justin Bieber will not only provide eye candy relief for the teenage girls - he will be comic relief for the rest of us.
I love this post!

Patty Ann said...

Too funny!! Of course, if I have to pull a handcart, I think I want the incredible hulk along. That way, when everyone else is cranky, he gets mad and pulls the cart all the way over the hill with no help! Now I just need to keep up.

Thelissa said...

Oh seriously... You're soooooo funny. I am going to play this game on Sunday.

tawnya said...

Ha! Hugh! I just wrote today about my dream last week where I was married to him. Well, USED to be since he was dead, but still. Married to Hugh!

Our family said...

You don't know me. I'm a friend of a friend, but I just had to let you know that I went to Bruges 2 weeks ago. Delicious! Though it was a bit cold having to eat outside.

And....Jimmer of course!

Carly said...

I know I say this every time I comment, BUT YOU ARE SO FUNNY! I almost peed my pants. Especially at the Keira Knightly one. I don't know why, but that one really got to me. She is just so pleasant to listen to. How about Charlie Sheen? He could sneak drugs into our food and we would all be very happy and not have to feel guilty about it.

Ashley's "Random Ruminations" said...

You're over the top here. I love this post! Its so funny.

I think I'd like to make up a handcart company that is strong enough that I could ride in the handcart and read books while the handcart continues to move miraculously across the plains ( kind of like one of those chairs/tents that is carried on people's shoulders), the food is cooked and I will just "arrive". There is a very good reason I wasn't born during this time period- I just didn't get those skills.

ganelle said...

This is one of your best! ('Course you know I LOVE the premise!)

I'm with Patty - the incredible hulk is brillant!

Lisa said...

Please consider my husband in your company, as he can lip sync better than Milli Vanilli. . . and he's a High Priest, too. http://thejollyporter.blogspot.com/2011/03/some-songs-you-might-be-surprised-that.html

Garden of Egan said...

OK that was hilarious.

Chuck Norris wouldn't have to cross the plains though, the plains would cross to Chuck.

Now I'm going to have a hard time concentrating in church.

Garden of Egan said...

Oh, and you are sooooo right.....totally have George Clooney, you do NOT want ugly pionner children singing as they walk.

I would probably add Mark Harmon. He could head slap a few people.

Mom and Camera said...

If you added Stacy and Clinton from What Not To Wear, I am sure they could help you make those bonnets, big skirts and aprons more stylish!

Natasha said...

Definitely agree that Hugh Jackman's sweet spirit would be necessary!!

Adele said...

endlessly clever - seriously - so so funny, loved it :)

rick and cheryl said...

Where do we sign up? I'm good at singing "Here comes the Oxcart". You crack me up! My kids keep asking me why I'm laughing so hard!

Mom of Three said...

This is hilarious!! I agree with everything except Kira. The thing is that if polygamy comes back in style, you will have George and Hugh vying for it to go the opposite way. Too much competition on that one!

Beej said...

STOP! Don't wake up Dr. Phil. If we are pulling carts, I am guessing we don't have access to Huggies, someone has to have an extra diaper pin.

Please let Dr. Phil rest, he needs it after all there is only one Justin Bieber to go around.

Beej said...

STOP! Don't wake up Dr. Phil. If we are pulling carts, I am guessing we don't have access to Huggies, someone has to have an extra diaper pin.

Please let Dr. Phil rest, he needs it after all there is only one Justin Bieber to go around.

Rachey said...

One of your best ever!

Meg said...

I would have Matt Bomer (I think that's his name. He's on White Collar on the USA network). Because on an episode he took off his shirt and I leaned over and hit Travis and said, Now that's looking NICEEEEEE. Becuase after a long day on the trail we will need to wash up at the river and of course the men will take off thier shirts and then we can sneak up and spy on that nice six pack. Because I for one will need a little heaven on that yucky dirt road trip

Lorie said...

And THAT (in a nutshell) is what I miss about you!!!!!!!

anitamombanita said...

I'd try to come up with a list of my own but I can't stop laughing...

Mortensen Baby Farm said...

I just choked on my cereal!
Seriously...I would freakin CARRY your children for you just so I can be in this group! Oh man...you are hilarious!

KS Photography said...

only hugh jackman.

Kim said...

Hahaha!! This is hilarious! I found your blog though Mindy Gledhill's music video on Youtube. (BTW-That sounds a little stalker-ish but really...she said to come here...she said you are funny...she was right.) Thanks for the laugh!

Meredith said...

That's funny! We shall all reach Zion in pieces! hahaha