Monday, May 16, 2011

Our Waitress Was An "Angel"

Thanks to awesome in-laws, the Mister and I had a rare opportunity to go away together this weekend. A co-worker of Cory’s was getting married in Missouri and his company offered to pay for me to accompany him. Good news: free trip with the Mister! Bad news: in Missouri! It’s best to focus on the positive.

Some highlights:

Did you know that Cory is 6’3” and walks 76 mph? This comes in really handy when you have to walk 3 miles to get to your airline terminal. In the rain. Which reminds me, doesn’t Kate Middleton have to walk a few paces behind Prince William when they are in public? Which is to say, Cory treats me like a princess.

I met my first TSA employee that I didn’t hate. Here’s a hint for getting on my good side: when I walk up to you and hand you my boarding pass and ID and you greet me with, “Hey gorgeous!” I will likely find it easier to raise my arms and let you feel me up while checking for switchblades.

Our flight was delayed 3 hours so we decided to grab dinner in the airport. Our waitress’ name was “Angel”; she had feathers in her hair and called me “hon” numerous times. She was delightful but I’m always suspicious of women who call me “hon”. You can work at TSA and call me “gorgeous” all you want, but somehow a woman calling me hon screams, “I’m a chain smoker with very few friends, if I bring you 7 refills will you please like me?”

There are certain advantages to attending a wedding in a town with a population of 267. Not only does the whole town show up, but one woman broke out her best hairpiece for the occasion even though it didn’t match her natural hair. It looked like a squirrel that got stuck in a bad perm and nobody even cared. Another gentleman got out his Sunday best in the form of jeans and an American flag shirt and graced the 3rd row. Nobody blinked, probably because everyone was too moved listening to Randy Travis over the speakers while we waited for the bride.

Driving down the road I saw a sign for the “Big Rock Church and Cemetery”. Does anyone else see that as a conflict of interest? He is risen! You are dead! Let’s pray.

The “Hookers Bar & Grill” also caught my eye. There’s a lot of fishermen in Missouri. Can you imagine if Hookers and Hooters got together and joined forces? Whooboy. I don’t think I’d be comfortable ordering hot wings from a place like that. (“I said a side of “ranch” not “wench!”)

Cory swallowed a toothpick at the wedding buffet. We were afraid he might puncture a lung during the digestive phase but he’s made it two days now so we’re thinking he’s out of the woods. (As to whether the “woods” are out of him…we can neither confirm nor deny.)

All in all, a weekend with Cory, no matter where we go is still my favorite.

13 comments:

mormonhermitmom said...

BWAHAHAHA!Not bad for a trip to "Misery"

Jill said...

I wish you could have attended the "Big Rock Church" I wonder if they had a rock band.

the emily said...

My husband served his mission in MO and wanted to move there for grad school. Luckily I was still in school and told him he would just have to go to the U of U while I finished. Saved! (and I hate the U)

Deleen said...

I grew up in Missouri. Reading this blog was like a trip down memory lane. Thanks for the hillbilly nostalgia.

Meg said...

I didn't realize that Cory walked fast like his two sisters. Oh the comment about not knowing if the "wood" was out of Cory... Almost wet my pants! Thanks for the laugh. Oh by the way, curling my girls hair with the flat iron was brilliant of you, Thanks.
Oh by the way the second time, I just cashed my check and noticed for the first time you added Boliver on it.
Lots of love- Bol

anitamombanita said...

OK, that was brilliant. And I know it's been less than a week since your last blog entry, but seriously, couldn't you just step up the pace a little? I need a good belly laugh at least 2-3 times a week. Robb is pretty funny and keeps me laughing, but he's my husband and it's his job! ;)

Carly said...

You always give me a good laugh when I need it most =)

And I'm feeling less and less enthusiastic about moving to Missouri in two months....

Mortensen Baby Farm said...

What the? I can barely type through the laughter and tears...

Squirrel on the head and swallowing a toothpick...you are so flippin funny it makes side hurt!

So glad you could get away! Reminds me of the time Danny boy took me to Las Vegas and the highlights were watching a drunk man fall into a fountain and the creepy hairy guy that kept trying to get a couple of teenage girls to go back to his room! Awwww memories!

Amelia Merritt said...

That's crazy you saw my mother and her hairpiece at a wedding in Missouri.

Vanessa said...

Why are we not addressing this toothpick situation people?? This is not a "oops I swallowed the shell to a peanut" situation. There are serious implications to all of this.....which most likely will lead to more funny blog posts. Good job Cory...keep it up. Hope....uh the week goes well.

Karen said...

Done and done. Just booked myself a ticket to Missouri!

ganelle said...

The wood out of Cory??? There are SO many inapproriate comments I could make...

Ma Kettle said...

What happens to wood when it gets wet? Just sayin'. If Cory suddenly experiences nausea and pain, he might have corked his intestines with that toothpick. It's possible...