(continued from yesterday…)
I was a little surprised when Cory talked about the Rapture happening on May 21st. I hadn’t heard anything about it, likely due to the fact that I watch Oprah instead of the news and blog instead of reading the newspaper. I was alarmed to learn that one gentleman invested his entire life savings of $140,000 into promoting the end of the world through billboards because let’s face it, come tomorrow morning when his neighbors’ dog is still barking, his fridge is still full of moldy cheese and the new season of The Bachelorette is still set to air he’s going to be like, “Crap. I should have bought that investment property in Florida.” Then after Cory brought it up we passed THIS sign along the freeway. It's like it was listening to us! Weird.
Then again, what if he’s right? What if Jesus really is on His way? I think he might have a few questions for me and since I don’t want to go to hell I’d like to set a few things straight and issue a few apologies, just to be sure.
For starters I’d like to address my childhood friend, Diana: I am sorry I ditched you in 7th grade and became friends with the cool kids on the soccer team. I am a big fat jerk and will always treasure my memories of Mouse Trap and 52 pick up in your bedroom closet that had beads for a door. Also, tell your mom I’m sorry for digging that hole with you and peeing on the oak tree in your backyard. Just because it was your idea didn’t make it right. (Still. YOUR idea.)
Kevin: I spent eight years of my life with a mad crush on you, eight more years grateful that you never acted on it, and every year since feeling thankful you made peace with your demons and that you’re still alive. One time I faked an illness to leave a dance where your presence made me so nervous I decided to go home and Maria was so mad at me! That’s okay, Maria was always mad at me.
Speaking of Maria: You were my first friend to see my potential, the first (and only) one to force me to play Barbies, the first person whose phone number I gave out as my own when a boy I didn’t like asked for it (sorry), and the first person to let me use your dorm room phone so I could talk to my first boyfriend. Remember, the one who liked Physics more than me? Thanks for being there when Physics won.
Jill: Good news! The END is NEAR!
Mom: Imagine that I have boxed up all of my journals from my adolescence and set them on your porch with a big fat note that says “I’M SO SORRY.” Would that suffice?
Cory: The only time I’ve lied to you is when I secretly stashed money to surprise you with a trip to Hawaii - I think God will understand. I’m also kinda hoping that after the big quake tomorrow Denver will look a little more like those waterfalls in Kauai. Fingers crossed!
Samantha: I ate the rest of the ice cream. Not apologizing, just telling the truth. I think that’s what Jesus would want.
Drew: If you make it to heaven tomorrow and I am thrust down to hell, do come visit will you? And bring me some Cold Stone?
Ganelle: I’ll save you a seat.