Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Do you want fries with that?

I have very fair skin. I grew up by the beach. I’ve had lots of sunburns and my skin is continuing to pay for it. Last week I attended a pre-surgery consult where a cute, blond twenty-something took down my medical history. "Does anyone else in your family have skin cancer? [Yes] Strokes? [Yes] High blood pressure? [Yes] Diabetes? [Oh my gosh, did you hear that Reese’s just came out with a nougat based chocolate bar?] Previous surgeries? [o-o-p-h-e-r-e-c-t-o-m-y] Serious injuries? [I’m still a little bitter about “Chaka Khan” being our warm-up music on my high school basketball team but I suppose I’m over that now] Current medications? [Candy corn] Do you drink? Do you smoke? Have allergies? And THEN…

“…What are your hobbies?” Now answer me this. What is my dermatologist going to do about the fact that I enjoy photography, writing, chick flicks, practical jokes and "Everybody Loves Raymond" reruns? So if I die on the operating table at least they’ll know what I would have done in my spare time had I survived? Or perhaps if I simply suffer some paralysis what are they gonna do, send me some flowers and a copy of “Steel Magnolias” on DVD? I mean really.

My pre-consult was a twenty-five dollar inconvenience, but it landed me on the operating table today to remove the localized cancer on my shoulder. The shot. The numbness. I sensed a cutting motion and then heard a spraying sound.

“What’s that sound?” I inquired.
“We’re cauterizing the incision rather than using stitches.”
“What’s that smell?” I ask.
“That’s your flesh. We’re having a little barbecue.” I looked around and verified that I was, in fact, at a very classy medical facility and not in Jeffrey Dahmer’s basement.
“Nice.” I replied.

The doctor finished up and took a picture with his digital camera. I guess I have really pretty shoulders.


JustRandi said...

Maybe he wanted to know if you liked practical jokes just in case he sewed his glove to your shoulder or whatever. Then he could just say "Hey! got ya!"
If I were a surgeon, that would be the top question on my list.

JustRandi said...

Sheesh - you're superwoman. The things you get done before 9am!
Cleaning, lunches for the kids, surgery...

Hope everything went well and you're doing great. Sounds like it could have been a little traumatic.
cancer = wide range of emotions.
You OK?

Anonymous said...

Hope all went well! Maybe they were just trying to figure out how to talk to you. If you wanted gory details, or stupid jokes. I guess the later won?!

Paige said...

Sounds GREAT. Let's all go have surgury!

ganelle said...

Should he want any details about your practical joke "hobby" send him my way. I'm sure he would find you HILARIOUS... (grumble, grumble)

Kristy said...

ganelle: you know, you really should exhibit more gratitude. Not everyone gets to be featured in their college alumni magazine...with a picture of themselves...that's 10 years old.

ganelle said...

You're right. I'm SO GRATEFUL to you for submitting an AWFUL picture of me to an INTERNATIONAL magazine. Aren't I a lucky girl...

Anonymous said...


You may not know that I check your blog occasionally and never leave a comment . . . soooo I wanted you to know you are loved and I love your writing. You are great! I am concerned about the cancer and do hope that it is not serious. Since I have been there -- done that I do have a deep sense of how it feels. Love to you and your family and keep the blog going. Love Grandma Sarah Haynie

Lorie said...

HEY! Why not have Richard do it? He just removed a mole on my leg last week. Save yourself 25 bucks PLUS, I'll bet Ganelle will even remove the stiches for you!

Anonymous said...

I love it. It's weird to live in a day where we routinely see our dermatologist to have skin cancers removed. The other day I came home from my pcp with about 5 circles on my back for "my dermatologist" to check out. Since I couldn't tell which moles she was concerned about she circled them for me. Now what? Do I let my 3 year old play connect the dots? ha ha. Needless to say, I have since taken a shower, the circles have washed away and I still have several remaining moles camping out on my back looking "suspicious." Due to the fact that my kids have pushed me so far that I have too much of a sense of humor on just about everything, I have a hard time taking this seriously. So.....I think I'm going to go the cancema (sp?) route first.....what is that stuff really???

Hope your shoulder is feeling better:)