Cory wants new golf clubs for Christmas.
I'd also like to learn how to say, "Excuse me, would you please pass the creme fraiche and massage my shoulders?" in French, but we can't have everything.
Actually, Cory has a plan for getting his golf clubs that technically won't cost us anything and also won't get us arrested. I have to say I am in favor of this plan. However, the extent of my personal involvement in this scheme is that someday Cory will open the garage and say, "Look! My new clubs!" and I'll refrain from saying, "To think we could have bought a new couch!" and instead go, "Other than Extreme Makeover Home Edition, that is the most awesome thing I have ever seen!" Whoo - that was a lot of exclamation points.
Basically what I'm getting at is that I have no idea what to give the one person in this world who agrees with me about which way the toilet paper should fall, for Christmas. I've looked at the Gap, Kohl's, JCrew, and Best Buy to name a few. Today I ended up at Costco where I was bound and determined to get something for Cory so that I can officially declare my shopping to be O-V-E-R. He's not much into sweets so I figured the fudge counter was a good place to start.
The fudge booth is an excellent location to apply the following strategy: saunter up to the counter but look to the side as if you are completely engrossed in the mid-rise boxer briefs on display in holiday plaid. Wait until the lady dishing out samples is distracted, sneak one quickly, then return to the boxer briefs as if you never left. This time pick up a box and inspect the price as if you are really interested. Keep an eye on those samples though, because they go fast and people are greedy. Then go get another one as if you were never there - this time nod your head up and down like you're interested but not fully committed. A more engaging customer is sure to arrive soon, at which point you may reach for your third sample and no one is the wiser. Also, if your kid grabs for two be sure to say aloud, "Honey, just take one. They're not here to feed you dinner," so that others around you will mistake you for a responsible parent.
I approached the booth to execute my strategy. I successfully kept my eyes on the briefs before inching toward sample #1 when my unofficial "decoy" turned and in an unprecedented move, attempted to gain my attention as he talked to the employee. "Hey, do you know what God said to Adam the day before Christmas?" I looked at the employee who stared back at me and shrugged her shoulders as if to say, How about YOU take this one? "What?" I played along. "It's Christmas Eve!" he answered. I nodded and did my best to convince him that I was amused.
"Wow, you should take that on the road," I lied.
"Oh, well, I've turned Improv down three times," he said.
"Oh yeah?" Dude. I'm supposed to be 3 samples down and onto the cheese section by now.
"Yeah, I've got THOUSANDS of jokes." Abort! Abort!
"Last night I had this terrible nightmare all night long - I dreamt I was a muffler." Wait, was that the punchline?
"Yeah, I woke up exhausted!!" Aaaand, there it is.
Several bad jokes and fudge samples later I was no closer to having a gift for Cory. Moments after that I sat in a leather recliner and weighed my options - space heater or ceramic garden gnome?
Sucks to be Cory this year.