Return To...Which Mountain?

Hi.  Remember me?  Pink Snuggie, no uterus, made a Jehovah’s witness sing Happy Birthday, gave bacon to my Jewish neighbors, caught with bourbon in my purse at church?  Good grief, who HAVEN'T I offended?  Any Catholics out there that I missed?  I was just trying to make sure you knew it was really me but now all I can think of is how I should hurry up and rescue some orphaned AIDS babies before my earthly stint here is through to balance out my resume.  

I can hear St. Peter now, "I don't know Vern, it says here that you had some liquor in your purse..."

"Right, but if you jump down to line #87 you'll see that I once donated six dollars to the March of Dimes..."

"...and then you swore in front of your children during an unfortunate water incident..."

"They were brand new hardwood floors!  *sigh*  If you keep reading you'll see I've also written checks to the Food Bank of the Rockies..."

"What's this...did you really tell your Jewish neighbors they were going to hell?"

"Uh, my shirt, you see, it was a gift."

"And how did you handle the potty training mishap with your child on the marble steps of the Denver Capitol Building?"

"Boy oh boy, can you get a load of the acoustics in that place?"

"Mm hmm."

[awkward silence]

"I walked out of a dirty movie once."

What I'm trying to say is, after a summer spent frolicking through the mountains of Montana, the beaches of California, the hills of South Dakota, and the Rockies of Colorado, (more to come on all of that later!) I'm back.  I've missed writing, I've missed reading, and if I don't do something with my Google Reader Inbox I fear its contents will spew right through the monitor.  I look forward to catching up.  Oh, and if you happen to know any orphaned AIDS babies....