Chaos

1900 square feet. 46 warm bodies. 8 pizzas. 12 liters of root beer. 2 waterfights, a driveway basketball game and one guitar jam session. It's called dinner with my family. My oldest brother said the best part about these gatherings is watching the young cousins play together. A nice sentiment, but quite honestly it's the brothers and sisters-in-law roaming the halls with glazed eyes in search of a square foot without lincoln logs, or rummaging through the medicine cabinet in hopes of discovering a spare bottle of valium that I enjoy the most.

The anniversary party is tomorrow. We're just getting started.

For those of you who don't get my Christmas card...

...I thought I'd share a few quotes that were included this year:

We were piled in the car, starting to back out of the garage:
Drew: "Oh! I forgot my gray sweatshirt!"
Kristy: "Do you know where it is?"
D: "Yeah."
K: "OK, tell me where it is and I'll go get it."
D: "Well, if you go in...and you see something gray...that's it!"
~~

Drew: Hey Dad? Are you a doctor?
Cory: (sensing a setup) Yes.
D: Oh good. Then can you get this fork out of my butt?
~~

Samantha, trying to entertain some little kids at our house:
"It seems like they like Drew's burping better than the puppet show."
~~

Drew: Dad, do you have a song stuck in your head right now?
Cory: No.
D: [bursts into song] Shot through the heart, and you're to blame - you giiiive loooove, a BAD name!
[pause...pause...]
D: Nnnnnnow do you have a song stuck in your head?
~~

Samantha, going through my jewelry:
S: Where did you get this ring mom?
Kristy: My mom and dad gave that to me when I graduated from high school.
S: Ooooooh...this one's OLD then.
~~

Drew: "Samantha, just because I'M being annoying doesn't mean YOU have to be!"
~~

Samantha, yelling from her upstairs bedroom:
"WHAT is going ON down there???"
Me: I'm exercising!
S: Why is it shaking the WHOLE HOUSE???
~~

Sincerely,
Vern & Co.
Merry Christmas!!

Yuletide Highlight

I can't decide which part of my Sunday Christmas church service was the highlight today. The part where the main contribution of the program was a 7 member choir, the moment when the Bishop conducting the main meeting lifted up his leg over the pulpit to reveal his Christmas socks, or when the frail, old man got up to leave Sunday School early and farted four times on the way out.

Definitely a toss up.

Care to vote?

God is not dead in Los Angeles

We are in California for Christmas and a 50th wedding anniversary party for my parents. This morning I woke up around 6am and was unable to go back to sleep, so I decided to get up and go to the gym.

This is not a joke.

But here's my question. Why does television suck so bad at health clubs? It's the one time where I really need help maintaining focus on something else other than the perky former cheerleader next to me running a mile in the same time it takes me to turn on the machine, and I gotta say, CNN and ESPN don't cut it. I mean, come on. What are there, like 34 flat screens in one room and my choices come down to reports on worldwide catastrophe and men in tights? I'm not saying that the lady answering all your burning questions about refinancing and foreclosures doesn't know what she's talking about, or that Tom Brady isn't making somebody's day by beefing up their Fantasy Football scores, but that sure as hell isn't going to help me increase my speed into mile 3. I will say that there was one time I was running on the treadmill when "The Biggest Loser" (a weight loss reality series and not, in fact, a documentary on my life's accomplishments) was on, and I ran for an extra 45 minutes. I try not to go in the evening anymore.

I mostly rely on my iPod to help me through my workouts now, but I forgot to pack it. Which is why I found myself searching for reprieve from the TV monitors at six o'clock this morning, hoping for some kind of story to help me forget that I was running in public.

I never found reprieve, but I did get a fresh dose of surprise. Not because half of the channels were tuned to CNN, but because the other half were tuned to a 24-hr religious station! Here I was, staring at some emphatic scriptorian making grand interpretations on stage, waving his arms around like a circus performer without any animals, and this is what they had playing on multiple televisions in a public health club? In CALIFORNIA? California, where prayer in school has been publicly debated and is now a thing of the past and where the very pledge of allegiance has hung by a thread? Now, I think it's pretty obvious that I'm pro-religion, but I'll be honest. It's not my concern for salvation that has me sweating at 6am. I turned to CNN, hoping for something better when I read the following closed captioning: "FEMALE PASTOR HAS VISION ABOUT HER DALLAS FREEWAY...." They interviewed this pastor by the side of the freeway that runs through Dallas. She talked about a verse in Isaiah, Ch. 35 that mentions a highway being built, and now here they were, on "I-35". Apparently it's now a hangout for religious enthusiasts who stand there and preach to all the people driving by at 70mph. Sounds pretty effective. Later during a commercial break I saw a promo for a show coming up later in the week titled, "What would Jesus REALLY do?" As if Anderson Cooper knows anything about that! THEN, even later today we took the kids to Starbucks for hot chocolate and right next to us was a guy with his scriptures out, marking them all up, and typing some kind of report or sermon or something on his laptop.

The last time I was surrounded by this much religion in one day was when I attended religion class in college. For my birthday a few weeks ago my friend Ali gave me a shirt as a joke that says, "Got Jesus? It's hell without him." Looks like Los Angeles already got that memo.

Shameless

Since surprising Cory with the trip to Hawaii, I’ve received several comments about my rock star status like, “Wow, that’s so great that you had the whole trip paid for before you even told him! And with all your OWN money! What a great wife you are.” I’ve shamelessly accepted all compliments, drawing the line only when a person started to bow in my presence. I’m not afraid to say I think I AM a great wife. A great wife who really wanted to go to Hawaii wanted to show the love of her life the lengths to which she would go for his happiness. Indeed I went to GREAT lengths.

With a month to go on the deadline for paying for the trip, I was still a few hundred dollars short with no photography gigs on the horizon. I began scanning the home for items to sell on craig’s list – I stared longingly at Cory’s golf clubs, and wore a sinister grin as I lightly traced my finger over his collector baseball cards. Then reminding myself that I wanted to STAY married, I searched for different options. As if the mailman heard my pleas, two random checks showed up in the mail, one from our insurance company and the other from our escrow corporation. We both had to sign them, they both went into my account. Then later in the week, with only a few more dollars to be gathered, the voice of a coin shop owner I had recently spoken to echoed in my head, “I buy old jewelry and melt it back down for new jewelry…” he had told me. I ran to my jewelry box. I found a chunky piece of silver, an old earring that was missing its counterpart, and then, in a parallel moment of shame and glee, my eyes fell upon my Young Women’s Medallion. [Note to reader: In my church we have a program that allows young women to earn what they call a “Young Womanhood Recognition” award, similar to a young man earning his Eagle Scout. The crowning piece of recognition has come in various forms over the years. At the time I received mine, it came in the form of a gold, oval shaped medallion. Much like an Eagle Scout award, it seldom gets worn again.] Unsure of its value, I imagined Satan’s lips curling up in Grinch-like fashion as I tossed my medallion into a bag to take to the coin shop.

“I’m not sure if it’s plated, or solid, or even if it’s worth anything,” I explained to the owner.
“Well, the only way to find out is to cut into it. If it IS real, it will ruin it,” he warned.
I hung my head, suddenly ashamed that I even considered this and walked out the door.
“I regret that it has come to this,” I replied.
“Works for me!” I announced.

He got to work.
Cut.
Pour suspicious liquid over surface.
Watch it fizz.
Rub on a strange surface.
Declare to unfit medallion holder, “Well, it’s solid 10 karat gold. Which works out to about...(punching into the calculator) thirty-three dollars."
I agreed to the transaction, he wrote a check, I immediately went to the bank to make the deposit, and then celebrated the fact that I just hocked my YW medallion for an amount of money that would probably buy us both a bagel once we actually got to Hawaii.

When I came clean to Cory about my jewelry incident, I was prepared for him to be slightly disappointed with my cavalier regard for it. But in an unprecedented turn of events he not only wasn’t disappointed, but he LAUGHED!!! And he laughed HARD! Thus proving to me once and for all that there will never be another man for me.

In conclusion:
Trip to Hawaii: $5200
YW Medallion: $33
Bagels and Juice: $32.99
Selling my soul to the devil for $33, some bagels and a laugh: Priceless

What?? A bag of Pepperidge Farm Milanos isn't a single serving?

I'm so screwed.

She's just not that into you

If my best friend was my boyfriend, I'd think we were only a date away from the "let's just be friends" talk. She's been trying to take me out for my birthday for two weeks now, but the juggling of two family schedules, Christmas, and both of our husbands on business trips has complicated our efforts. But if my best friend was my boyfriend and said he couldn't go out Friday night because it "conflicted with an HOA meeting", I'm pretty sure I'd think our relationship was on the rocks.

While on the phone with each other yesterday we tried again to find a good time. "Monday? During the day?" We both pondered and thought it had potential. Then she said, "Let's TENTATIVELY THINK about it." Tentatively think? I laughed and joked that it didn't get much more non-committal than that.

I guess it's a good thing we're already "just friends".

Maslow's Hierarchy Of Christmas Card Needs

If Maslow were still around, I think he would have a separate hierarchy of needs for Christmas cards, and I believe it would go as follows:

First, there is the basic essential human need for a Christmas card. This is the basest of all cards, consisting of the pre-printed greeting and a signed name. Not ideal, but still better than bills and craft store coupons.

Next we have the card with the letter but no pictures. While not including a picture is disappointing, points are gained if the letter is funny. Points are lost if you talk too much about your 3-year-old speaking multiple foreign languages or mastering long division, but are regained if you share a story about them saying/doing something embarrassing in public. Any points gained by including a letter are immediately revoked if you write more than 2 pages. And really, if you write that much it had better be good.

Level 3 involves a card, and a letter, AND a picture. You are approaching perfection in the Christmas card world, but lose credibility if the picture is only of your kids. I don't care how cute you think they are, they're usually not all that. But major points for including all three card elements. However, when pictures and letter are included, actual card loses some significance and may not be necessary. Again, any points lost can be regained if you bring the funny.

Finally, self-actualization on the Christmas card pyramid. This is achieved with or without a card, but most definitely includes a letter of some sort which must consist of at least one self-deprecating reference and zero mention of your pets. Critical at this level is the photo that includes a picture of everyone in the family regardless of weight gain or hair loss. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to solicit a Photoshop tutorial on "How to shave off 30 pounds from your Christmas card photo."

for one more day

Have you heard about this book? It's the story of a man who gets the chance to spend one more day with his mother who passed away 8 years earlier. I haven't read it yet, but I'm familiar with the sentiment it's intended to ignite. And that is, If you had one more day to spend with a loved one you had lost, who would it be and what would you do? I've given this a lot of thought, and I think I have come up with my answer. But first, another question.

What if you never really got one day in the first place?

I'll never forget hearing my sister's voice as she called me from the hospital. "I lost the baby," she said. The walls in my room went blurry, the voices of my kids downstairs faded into background noise, and my eyes caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror across the room from where my slumped figure sat on the bed. "What??!" I managed to ask, in the kind of voice that blends a gasp with confusion and disbelief. She seemed to be testing out the words herself, as if saying them out loud would either help it sink in or make her wake up from a bad dream. She repeated, "I lost the baby." I could hear the shock and confusion in her voice, and I struggled to process her words which seemed so disconnected from reality. This seemed impossible. She was only two weeks away from being induced, and though we knew that the little girl she was carrying had Down Syndrome, everything seemed to be going fine. I tried to be of comfort but fell pathetically short, as I guess anyone would. I would have thought that after all the years we spent together in this life as sisters, I would have something else to say besides "I love you", but suddenlty the space in my head and the air around me felt void of words and it was all I had to offer. There seemed to be nothing to do but cry. Which I did. For days. The thought of imagining my sister the very next day in a hospital, forced to deliver her baby girl whose cries would never vibrate the room was excruciating.

I flew out to California a few days later for a memorial service at their home where I watched in awe as my sister and her husband navigated their new territory. I was in the room when I had to listen to her re-explain to her 3-year-old daughter that she would be unable to give her baby sister the stuffed animal that she had picked out, but that she was more than welcome to put it in the casket. And, "...yes mommy's sad, but I love you."

It's been a little over a year now, and I still do a little knee jerk every time I see a little girl with Down Syndrome. Because I wanted the chance to be her aunt, to shower her with love and to beat up any mean kids who were ever...well...mean to her. I wanted my kids to be able to play with her and love her at our family reunions. I envisioned her older siblings who would have spoiled her on ridiculous levels. I imagined her being the best thing that ever happened to our whole family.

I. I. I.

Enough about me, what about my sister? That's why, after giving it a lot of thought, I would choose to give MY day to HER, to spend with her baby girl. Except the baby would be old enough tell her what a great mom she is, and that she's sorry it's hard, and that she loves her. She would smile back, give great hugs, and smear Cheerios into the carpet.

Just one day. Yes, I believe that's what I would do.

Deep Thoughts

Remember the days when overalls were cute and trendy?

*sigh* I miss that.

What I Know For Sure - Vol IV

1. I don't care if they still sell it at the Nordstrom counter, Polo cologne only smelled good in the 80's. And if one of you could please pass this information on to the clerk at my grocery store I will love you forever.
2. Some people should never wear midriffs
3. And by "some" I mean "all"
4. The Bravo series "Real Housewives of Orange County" is horrible television, and I can't take my eyes off of it.
5. Five days of diarrhea can be an effective weight loss enhancer
6. You don’t have to be European to feel passionate about nutella
7. When water leaks from my shower, it comes through the light in my family room
8. $350 will fix the igniter on your furnace
9. $600 will get you two license plates on a new car
10. Both on the same day will encourage binge eating

Coincidence?

No. If I'm being truthful, the answer would be "no", I'm not interested in meeting Dr. Phil in person. So hopefully no one in my family (or friends posing as such) visits his website, because I shudder to think what would happen if they came upon this. Please, don't get any ideas. Unless the airfare to Los Angeles is included.

"Hey Zuzu, what happens every time a devil gets its horns?"

I hate Christmas, and I'm not afraid to say it. Actually, that's a lie. I am a little afraid, because I know I'm going to be judged for saying so. But that's okay because I'm not proud of it, it just happens to be the truth. Don't misunderstand, I'm not opposed to the Christmas that gets portrayed on the front of Pottery Barn magazines or Martha Stewart specials. Those look lovely. But I don’t have a set designer, a staff, or enough money to justify themed sheets expressly for the month of December. Instead I am left to loathe the practice of Christmas list-making that my kids begin in August, the blaring of non-stop Christmas music in department stores beginning mid-November, and the fact that if I don’t decorate with lit up deer and life size snow globes on my lawn my kids call our house “boring”. Wanna know what else? I hate buying presents, because no matter who I have on my “list”, I forget at least ten people. And I never know who those ten people are until they show up on my doorstep offering me homemade doses of "aw-crap-now-I-have-to-get-YOU-something.” Not only that, but everywhere I look I see people spending more than they can afford only so I can pay later for their bankruptcy. And my final point: Aren’t we supposed to be celebrating the birth of the Savior? Because I don’t think Jesus would be very impressed with our methods. More importantly, I don’t think He would require me to hang excessive decorations or spend money to fill my house with more crap.

So yes, when it comes to Christmas I have some issues. I have even gone so far this year as to call my closest friends and say, “For Christmas, I’m not getting you anything. Thought you should know.” At this rate, I have good news and bad news. The bad news first: This gets worse every year. The good news: I just learned that it is not my fault. Last week when I was helping with Thanksgiving dinner at my sister’s house the topic of Christmas came up and I heard my mother from across the room mutter something like, “I just don’t like Christmas.”
My eyes flew open wide as I gasped, pointed to her and shouted, “YOU! YOU did this to me?”
“Did what?” she asked.
*I* hate Christmas!”
She winced and gave me an apologetic nod while hesitantly adding, “I just never felt like that’s how Jesus would have wanted it.”
“Ah-ha!” I pointed at her and jumped up and down. “It’s your fault!”

So you see? My disdain for this time of year isn't psychological at all, it's just biology! What a relief. In the meantime my Bishop has asked me to write the Christmas program for church. After politely and eloquently sharing with him my thoughts, (I believe "Uh...but I hate Christmas" may have been my exact words) he replied, "Well then," he replied, "maybe there's a reason you're being asked."

Well then.
I hope he's right.

40 Things I love about Cory on his 40th Birthday

Even though we've already celebrated, today is the actual day. Happy Birthday Studly.

1. His favorite way to drink water is to fill his cup with ice, add water, and then let it sit until all the ice is melted. This way the water is perfectly cold and the ice doesn’t get in his way when he drinks it.
2. He comes home from work early so he can play baseball with Drew before it gets dark
3. He can ride his bike for 78 miles
4. Over three Colorado mountain passes
5. He goes into the other bathroom in the morning to blow dry his hair so he doesn’t wake me up – his idea.
6. He did a face mask with me once, just to see what it was like
7. He let kids throw jell-o at him during a church activity
8. He never complains about taking parent duty so that I can do something fun with friends
9. Come to think of it, Cory hardly ever complains about anything
10. He works hard
11. He ate crawdads with my nephews, eel in Solvang, and squid heads in China
12. He is honest
13. He likes practical jokes
14. He doesn’t worry about what other people think of him
15. If it hadn’t been for him, we never would have gone to Israel
16. We had been married one year when I had surgery that resulted in 13 staples up my abdomen. I got sick one morning, and when he heard me throwing up he instinctively ran to the bathroom and pressed his hand against my stomach for support so it wouldn’t hurt as bad.
17. He is not afraid to say he’s sorry
18. He does our taxes
19. When Drew was 7 months old Cory took him on a weekend trip by himself to visit his ailing grandmother in California. It was her first introduction to Drew, and her last visit with Cory.
20. He has a strong moral compass
21. For Mother’s Day one year he spent THREE HOURS making me a salad out of the Martha Stewart magazine – he learned the hard way that Martha was going to make him roast and peel his own peppers and grow his own cilantro – we ate at 8:00 pm – it was the best salad I’ve ever had
22. His hugs diffuse my stress
23. He reads my blog
24. And not because I ask him to
25. The letters he wrote while we dated almost always included a reference to MacGyver as well as secret messages written and hidden under the stamp
26. He wants secret passageways in his dream house
27. He compliments me on a good hair day
28. He still laments the day that “Land of the Lost” was taken off the air without warning
29. Anyone who spends an evening with the youth at church learning a hip hop routine and then comes home to show it to me deserves nothing less than my affection
30. He is always warm, a nice bonus during winter months
31. Through thick and thin, he is not critical of me and shows that he loves me no matter what
32. I find this remarkable
33. He is the fun parent
34. He lets me paint and decorate the house however I want
35. Whenever there is a drawing, raffle or contest, he always expects to win (which he often does) and if he doesn’t, he is genuinely surprised
36. It took me a LOT longer to feel ready for marriage than it did for him, but he never pressured me
37. He can hang with geeks AND athletes
38. He waltzed with my Grandma on our wedding day
39. He sang to Michael Jackson and Madonna at a Chinese karaoke bar
40. He asked me for forever

Random Facts

I've been "tagged" in the blogosphere to share a few random facts about myself - one asked for 6 items, the other for 7. So I compromised and chose 8. If you do not feel better about yourself after reading this then I am powerless to help you. Here you go:

1. I have signed my Congressman’s name hundreds (thousands?) of times – a skill I acquired during a summer internship on Capitol Hill
2. The left side of my chin is still partially paralyzed from when I had my wisdom teeth pulled
3. I know all the words to the “Xanadu” soundtrack
4. I had two Navajo foster brothers growing up. One was awesome, the other stole money from my brothers and caught me dancing in front of a full length mirror in my Dolphin shorts, an incident I didn’t live down until he left.
5. I was in a TV commercial with Ed Greene, one of Denver’s news station weather gurus
6. Once when riding in a car with my friends I began singing along earnestly to “Almost Paradise” on the radio. I thought I sounded good. My friend Kara was massaging her temples when she asked me to stop, unable to hide the edge in her voice. I still sing out loud to the radio, whether I sound good or not. Except now I know that it’s most likely “not”.
7. My first job was cleaning light fixtures in a light store on Saturdays. The only reason they hired me was because it had been my sister's job, and she was leaving. They hoped I might be as great as she was. They were disappointed, but never said so out loud. And yes, ALL of the lights. In the whole store.
8. Face, torso, arms, back, head, left leg, then right leg. I dry off in this order after a shower every day.

I now tag "kizz", kerri, ginger, lorie, and "madame mim".

Hawaiian Highlights

Three days in Oahu, four days in Kauai, and four more days at my sister's house in Arizona for the Thanksgiving holiday. It feels like forever since we've been home. After a total of six separate departures, landings, and security checks, I have very few complaints as our flights all took off and arrived on schedule and kept all of our luggage in tact. My only nagging question is why my brand new 10 oz. bottle of coconut lime verbena lotion (bought specifically for this occasion)was seized and ordered to the trash by the TSA and yet the character sitting next to me dressed in black with a two foot long chain suitable for whipping and strangling that hung by his belt loop breezed through security. Whatever. Anyway, in case you're wondering if I just made this whole thing up about a trip so I could get out of blogging for a couple of weeks, here's the evidence.

This was my very favorite thing from the whole trip - that's me in the water after jumping from the top of the waterfall!

The Prince Golf Course on the north shore of Kauai came highly recommended as a way to attain golf nirvana. We didn't pass it up:

This is where I gained a testimony of Jo Jo’s shaved ice. Cory ordered a blackberry raspberry flavor served over vanilla ice cream with a vanilla crème poured over the top. I am still having dreams about it.

Our waiter the night before recommended this beach as having great waves and being the best for body boarding. He left out the part about lava rock lining the ocean floor. Cory decided to risk it, I decided to watch (translation: read my book) from the shade of the swaying palm trees on the shore. Only one of us walked away unscathed.

The "Grand Canyon" of Hawaii, Waimea:

Cool lighthouse:

While mom and dad frolicked in the Pacific, the kids hung out at my sister's where they endured grueling hours of movies, outings, and Sonic EVERY DAY for lunch!

Cool couple at a cool resort looking far from cool as they approach the very uncool phase of middle age but trying hard to appear cool anyway:

Since arriving home last night with snow on the grass, we've traded in our flip-flops and swimsuits for winter coats. Reality can be harsh, but there's still no place like home.

Hawaiian Hiatus

I'll miss you guys over the next little while. Really, this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you. [insert evil laugh]

Speechless

I had Thursday's post figured out before Thursday even got here. Because Thursday was November 8th, making it the first day of the END of the sugar fast. Thursday was also my first day of working at a 3-day Christmas boutique where I happen to know that they serve fresh, homemade cinnamon rolls daily. The plan was to eat my cinnamon roll, experience enlightenment, attend parent/teacher conference, then stop by my friend Ali's house for our official end of the sugar fast party where eating chocolate cake, cotton candy, and root beer floats was no longer a crime punishable by shaming from peers. I planned on taking pictures of our wide-eyed Wonka-like experience and posting them here under the title: "Whoever said nothing tastes as good as thin feels has never had Patti's cinnamon rolls."

So you can imagine my astonishment when not only did I NOT experience enlightenment at the first bite of the cinnamon roll, but it made. me. sick. As in, when I got to the party I still felt so gross that I could not even fake a longing for a Reese's peanut butter cup. I choked down a few bites of ice cream just to try and redeem a little of the pleasure I used to know. I honestly don't know what to make of it. I fear this situation will somehow change me into an organic-eating-Omega-3-popping-birkenstock-wearing-cabbage-chewing-yoga-seeking-*gasp* "say you're not eating FRENCH FRIES!!" girl, because I prefer making fun of those kinds of people. On the other hand, my little experiment has witnessed changes on the scale and differences in the way I feel.

Then again, I hear the island of Kauai has the best shaved ice EVER. And you can get it served with cream poured on top, which sounds like an idea worthy of some kind of solid gold trophy in the shape of a cone. Well then, maybe there is hope after all....

Dear Dr. Phil:

My daughter has cried herself to sleep for two nights in a row because we put our old car up for sale. She said she has become attached to it after all this time and worries that it might not go to a good home. Lately I have been thinking that we should move to Guatemala and build homes for the poor so that she might hone her abilities to handle change. Would this be an effective approach in your opinion? If not, is there some kind of potion I can mix and shoot into her veins while she is sleeping that will allow her to part with crusty stuffed animals and endure my hairstyle changes?

Sincerely,
Confused and Concerned in Colorado

The next, NEXT best thing

From the time we started dating Cory told me his plans of owning a Corvette by the time he turned 40. I was 22. I just smiled and nodded and thought, "Oh how cute. He has goals." I'm pretty sure that nowhere in his plan did it have a clause stating what to do if pragmatism got in the way of said Corvette, so let's just make one right now and let's call it...the "minivan clause". This clause states that in the event of needing a new vehicle to accommodate your family you might have to forego your man car even though your crucial timeline of a birthday is a mere few weeks away.

So, no. Cory's not getting a Corvette to celebrate his four decades of life. Recognizing his need for a plan B, he stated to me a couple of weeks ago that all he wanted now for his birthday was for the Rockies to win the World Series and could I please write Todd Helton a letter stating his wishes. I don't need to elaborate on how THAT turned out.

Scrambling for a plan C he mentioned to me the other day, "Maybe you could send me to baseball fantasy camp?" Little did he know, I already had a plan C. It started over a year ago when I told the banker across the desk that she had to promise me there would be "no paper trail, no statements sent to my home, no ordered checks, no evidence whatsoever that I had opened this account." I'm sure she thought I was a battered wife saving for an escape, but quite the contrary. I was a grateful wife trying to surprise my husband but needed a way to stockpile money and withdraw it without my accountant of a spouse knowing about it. It worked, and I've been stashing all of my side money from photography jobs into this account, just so I could do what I did on Saturday night.

I chose a new Hawaiian restaurant near our home to break the news. Near the end of the meal I lied about needing a bathroom break and ran to the car to retrieve the box of goods I had prepared earlier. I slipped it next to me and a few moments later asked if anyone was ready for dessert, at which point I revealed the box and handed it to Cory. Inside was a Hawaiian t-shirt, some coconut lime lotion, some macadamia nuts, an Almond Joy, and a lei, and taped to the top of the lid was our itinerary for a 7-day Hawaiian Vacation.

Twenty-four hours later he is just beginning to digest the reality of leaving the Rocky Mountains for sunny beaches very soon, but I think he likes the idea. I couldn't help but ask, "So, are you disappointed that it's not fantasy camp?" to which he replied, "Oh, it's fantasy camp!"

So if you happen to notice a future lull in posting, I have one word for you: "Aloha!"

Do drug dealers and mafia take their kids trick-or-treating?

I joke that my neighbors are Russian mafia. I’m sure it’s just a figment of my wild imagination, but I can’t figure out how else to explain the Mazda by day and Mercedes by night, or the fielding of phone calls in a park when there’s nobody else around and the person in question isn’t even with his kids, or why his wife and children would be out walking down the street at 10:30 at night in the middle of the week. So I admit that I was a little surprised to see him out on Halloween taking his adorable little girl (dressed appropriately in satin and tulle with a tiara) trick-or-treating. Go figure. I guess he’s just like any other guy, raising his family and running a really successful trash removal company.

What I Know For Sure - Vol III

Is this getting old? I'm not afraid of the truth, so tell me if you don't think this is funny anymore. In the meantime, here is my list for November.

1. Filing my heels with a pumice stone and shaving my legs should count as an upper body workout
2. If you’re in the middle of using an eyelash curler and you feel a sneeze coming on, you should remove the eyelash curler immediately instead of trying to power through it. I’m just saying.
3. I have a TV crush on John Krasinski
4. It is always good to remove your shirt before opening a pomegranate. This can be especially tricky for women.
5. Rosie O’Donnell’s therapist is underpaid
6. Whatever psychological damage I’ve done to my kids so far, it’s not as bad as the poor kid at the junior high school who’s being dropped off in his dad’s milk delivery truck
7. I will never buy the Bedazzler
8. “This is going to be really short” is music to the ears when commencing a middle school band concert
9. Mixing velvet pajamas with flannel sheets can be a catastrophic combination for a restless sleeper
10. If you have a 'y' chromosome and you find yourself walking around a craft fair carrying a stuffed moose the size of your SUV, this is grounds for revoking your man license

"Luckyyyyy!"

Fact: I don't understand how Halloween got started. More importantly, I don't really care. Because I can't think of one single reason why I should argue about my neighbors throwing chocolate in my direction in exchange for uttering three simple words. It's a plan I can get behind. My sugar fast is not over, however, until Monday, and so I am forced to amuse myself in other ways this year. And that's why I'm sharing this picture with you, because this is Cory in his costume last year and even twelve months later it almost makes me pee my pants to look at it. THIS is the guy I pledged to share my life with for the entire remainder of my existence, and there were too many witnesses at that event to back out now. Plus, he happens to be awesome.

Happy Halloween!

Weird Guy

I was in my local Wal-Mart shopping for Halloween candy for tonight's "Trunk-Or-Treat" when I saw him at the other end of the aisle, and I instantly moved to the next aisle to avoid him. He's not a horrible person, he just creeps me out and I wasn't in the mood to be superficially social. As I moved through the chaos we came face to face and I couldn't avoid him without being rude, so I said hello.

Me: "Hey, how are you?"
Weird guy: "Good, how 'bout you?"
M: "Fine. Are you shopping for a Halloween costume?"
WG: "Oh no. They don't have the costume that I want."
M: [against my better judgment] "Oh? And what's that?"
WG: "A teletubby with a chainsaw."
I raised my eyebrows in mock interest, but said nothing.
WG: "You know, because they're supposed to be nice. That's why it's funny."
M: "OK then. Good luck with that." You freak!

Fires

Many have inquired over the status of my family during these crazy fires, and I thank you for your concern. As a result I just wanted to give a quick update for anyone who's interested. Cory's brother and his family were the first to leave their home on Sunday, grabbing only a couple of things on their way out. They are still unable to return home, but are reassured by the fact that their answering machine is still picking up. My parents were in Kentucky when they received their evacuation orders, so my nephew called them in the middle of the night to ask what they wanted him to grab. This same nephew would later avert police to rescue some animals from another family's home, and is encouraging us to swoon, sigh, and flutter our eyelashes while saying "my hero" in his presence from now on.

My brother Greg and his family escaped to an uncle's house, but were gravely concerned about the survival of their home since their area was also hugely affected. They were recently allowed to return to find their home intact, and we're incredibly grateful. There are a million others besides family that we were concerned about - most of them received good news despite very close calls. Even though there are some whose homes did not survive, we feel grateful that all the people that we love are safe. I suppose it's a bad sign when the President of the United States is landing his helicopter on the football field of your old high school, but I guess it's good that more help is on the way. In the meantime one of my sisters-in-law has fled to Northern California with her kids to breathe fresh air!

In the frenzy of emails that have been exchanged within my family this past week, my favorite sentiment came from my mom who signed off on one of her updates with the words, "Love you all more than I did yesterday."

Ditto.