Wednesday, April 2, 2008

No pain, no back hickeys

I believe there are certain signs of desperation that deserve our attention. I also think that rubbing your back up against the corner of your wall to get to a knot in your muscles that you can’t reach is one of them. Luckily, I know a massage therapist who lives on my street that comes highly recommended, so I paid her a visit. There’s something about getting naked in between warm sheets at your neighbor’s house that causes one to reflect.

[Digression: At this very moment my children are laughing over a booger on my bathroom floor. Sam says Drew did it. Drew says he didn’t, and defends that it’s not even a real booger. They were both laughing. I was not in the mood, and actually asked the following question in all seriousness and irritation, IS THERE A BOOGER ON MY BATHROOM FLOOR OR NOT????!! And then tried not to laugh. Back to the main topic…]
First of all, I wondered why none of the current presidential candidates have outlined mandatory foot rubs in their health care reform plans. Or for that matter, why hasn’t it been proposed as an obligatory ritual before UN meetings? If we could just get one undercover American to infiltrate Osama bin Laden’s camp and give him a good foot massage we would have world peace.

Secondly, I would like to know when “cupping” became appropriate behavior in the masseuse / client relationship. I specifically requested “no cupping” this time because of the stark recollection from my previous visit which left me with an allover back hickey. Not to mention it felt like someone trying to extract my spleen with a vacuum cleaner strong enough to suck up cement. She said it would be beneficial in my problem spot, so I relented and tried not to scream like a little girl. I wondered if Jack Bauer ever tried this technique on any of his enemies.

As I left she handed me some bottled water, told me to take a bath in Epsom salts, and to drink half my body weight in ounces of water. I fear this might drain my local reservoir. Doesn’t she know we’re in a drought?

5 comments:

Kerri said...

Oh my gosh, a massage sound heavenly. But I can hardly manage to get naked in front of my doctor - let alone a neighbor. The horrors!

Playful Professional said...

Ooh I love massages. I got a hot stone one this weekend, and that was a new type of relaxation I've never found before.

Mom of Three said...

What the heck is "cupping"? I have to admit that I didn't associate it with a massage! Foot massages are the best.

Paige said...

Hmmm. Our bishop warned us about "cupping". I wonder if it's the same thing?

Rachel said...

Now, I know that massage therapists like to tell you to drink water to get rid of the "toxins" (whatever the h*ll that means), but I read an article this morning that says we DON'T have to drink eight glasses of water a day! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/03/nhealth103.xml
This is why I don't even try to follow all the funny little health rules. If I die at 43, at least it will be without a bottle of water in my purse.