Wednesday, August 25, 2010

For 25 Bucks (Part I)

My boob hurts.

Too much too soon?

Let me back up.

Once upon a time there was a poor, white girl who grew up near the beach. One day when she was innocently rocking her Op bathing suit that faded from black to pink with silhouette palm trees, she forgot that it had been approximately 17 hours since she applied sunscreen. She got blisters, so  her mom applied calamine lotion, but her shoulders were so hot that it cooked the lotion right into her skin, making it look like Barstow in August. She wanted to die, her mom felt bad, and the girl grew up getting cozy with dermatologists who now ask her every time she has to go in if she sustained many sunburns as a child. That’s when she formally introduces herself, “Hi. Most people call me Vern, but you can call me your Next Mortgage Payment if you prefer.”

I’ve had many rogue, cancerous moles removed from my body since that day, but none of the really scary variety. I’m getting pretty skilled at spotting them – a few months ago I saw something forming on my face that looked suspicious, but before making an appointment with the doctor I remembered an ointment that my mom told me about that was rumored to be highly effective and less invasive. I asked my mom for the name of it, searched for it on the internet, and promptly bought a small container of it for $25 online. A week later Cory called home from work, “Uh, honey? I’m just looking at our Visa statement. Did you buy something from…Ecuador?” Yes. Yes I did. It’s not FDA approved, it’s black, and you rub it on your skin to take the cancer away. I put it on my face and within 10 days my issue was gone and healing.

I was so thrilled with this new and easy discovery, that I knew just what to do when another mole appeared on my chest a few weeks later. I rubbed on the ointment, and the immediate burn signaled that I was already attacking the cancerous cells. Victory! Except 10 days later it was still huge, and burning, and gross. So I thought, “Let’s get this over with and apply a second coat.” Here’s how that turned out. Imagine, if you will, that Jack Bauer tried to cut your heart out with a sharp melon baller, then instead of sewing you up he just poured cayenne pepper and lemon juice into the open wound to cauterize it. And then he lit a match and threw it inside and held it shut with his bare hands, just for good measure.

I think it felt something like that. (to be continued…)

13 comments:

Boulter trouble said...

Black savue? My dad uses it all the time too.

Stefani said...

a lady in our ward used some "concoction" like that on her nose and the cancer is gone, but unfortunately so is a chunk of her nose... be careful

jksfam said...

Yikes!

ganelle said...

So, maybe it's a good thing that I didn't borrow it last month?

mormonhermitmom said...

Oh my.

Vanessa said...

Nice. I had an appt. with my dermie last week and I pointed out some weird unhealing raised broken blood vessel type thing....plus a mole on the back and she said "let's biopsy them just in case." I totally forgot that biopsy them means dig them out with a carving cauterizer thing and I went home feeling like swiss cheese. I should have just used canceema.

acte gratuit said...

Hmm. I like the sound of this stuff. Where can I get me some?

The Crash Test Dummy said...

Oh my gosh! You are a dear. A heelarious dear. You make me laugh. But cry too. High five!

I'm so sorry.

You win the prize for making Parawon sound great!

Mom of Three said...

Um, scary!!! What is this stuff made out of?!

Paige said...

Wow. What does it do to age spots, I wonder?

Jill said...

Send me a sample, and we'll see what it does to lab rats.

*katie said...

Guess what? Mine hurts too. Like crazy. Different reason, but heck, I almost wanted it cut off this week instead of going through what I went through. An abscess. Blah, ick, awful. And still dealing with it for another two weeks+. If I were brave enough, I'd tell everyone on my blog that my boob hurts, but, let's be honest, I can't do that. I'll say it more delicately:)

Alyson (New England Living) said...

Oh geez! That description was well, very descriptive. ;) That sounds horrible, by the way. Hope part 2 includes you going to the doctor!

I had a major, major burn when I was 13. So far, I've had no issues. No moles, except for freckles that haven't left. I'm crossing my fingers though!