Dear Ganelle: I sure hope you had fun on your cruise. Now when people ask you where you got your tan you can say, “I’ve been in the Caribbean!” instead of, “You know that little booth with the cancer beds off of Main Street?” While you’ve been gone you missed a few things like THREE FREAKIN’ SNOW STORMS. I imagine that’s what Christmas feels like in Hell; at first you’re all, “How nice, I think I’ll just take it easy, have some hot chocolate and read a book.” But then on day seven you’re like, “Where’s that ice pick?! I swear I heard someone smile!” Then again, I felt bad because I thought if it was Christmas then you and your whole family were missing it! And with three young boys, how would you possibly be able to stand missing Christmas, even if it was in Hell?
I have good news and bad news.
Good news: Your house is still standing.
Bad news: It’s FREEZING in there!! Did you completely turn off the heat while you were gone? What if your pipes froze?!
Good news: We didn’t see any flooding, so I think you’re good.
Bad news: Your Diet Coke looked really lonely sitting in your fridge all by itself.
Good news: As your friend and a woman who had been fasting since 7am, I jumped in to help.
More good news: When I take pictures with my head tilted back it smooths out my double chin. Bonus!
Bad news: You left a puzzle undone.
Good news: That Cory is such a helper!
Bad news: After being cooped up in a frigid house with closed blinds for a solid week your plants were looking forlorn.
Bad news: We got on a roll.
Good news: When you get back if someone complains that you weren’t answering your phone you could be like, “Sorry, I had to unwrap it first.” And then you’ll realize that it’s just easier to say you were going to the bathroom.
Bad news: You’re no longer on vacation.
More bad news: This also means that nobody will be delivering you croissants and orange juice to your room just because you picked up the phone and told them to.
To reiterate: Gopher no longer works for you.
Good news: Look at all the pretty colors!
p.s. I told Facebook you were expecting and having a girl. Everyone’s really excited for you!
UPDATE: The crew got in late Monday night and probably would have slept without knowing anything had happened if it hadn't been for the fact that Ganelle's husband was hungry and went to the kitchen for a quick bowl of cereal. He announced, "Uhh...it looks like Vern's been here." The next morning looked like Christmas in the kitchen as the boys made quick work of the unwrapping and not so quick work of the cleaning up of the unwrapping. She has received several inquiries from family and friends asking if the rumors about her pregnancy were true - Shazam! More points for me. The good news is that it looks like we're still friends. At least I think that's good news....