Monday, March 29, 2010

Ganelle Gets Back Tonight - UPDATED

Dear Ganelle: I sure hope you had fun on your cruise. Now when people ask you where you got your tan you can say, “I’ve been in the Caribbean!” instead of, “You know that little booth with the cancer beds off of Main Street?” While you’ve been gone you missed a few things like THREE FREAKIN’ SNOW STORMS. I imagine that’s what Christmas feels like in Hell; at first you’re all, “How nice, I think I’ll just take it easy, have some hot chocolate and read a book.” But then on day seven you’re like, “Where’s that ice pick?! I swear I heard someone smile!” Then again, I felt bad because I thought if it was Christmas then you and your whole family were missing it! And with three young boys, how would you possibly be able to stand missing Christmas, even if it was in Hell?

SO.

I have good news and bad news.

Good news: Your house is still standing.
Bad news: It’s FREEZING in there!! Did you completely turn off the heat while you were gone? What if your pipes froze?!
Good news: We didn’t see any flooding, so I think you’re good.
Bad news: Your Diet Coke looked really lonely sitting in your fridge all by itself.
Good news: As your friend and a woman who had been fasting since 7am, I jumped in to help.


More good news: When I take pictures with my head tilted back it smooths out my double chin. Bonus!
Bad news: You left a puzzle undone.
Good news: That Cory is such a helper!


Bad news: After being cooped up in a frigid house with closed blinds for a solid week your plants were looking forlorn.

Good news: Forlorn is Drew’s specialty! Here he is giving them a little TLC.

Bad news: Your candlesticks had no candles on them. What do you think they are there for anyway?
Good news: Riiiight. Now I remember.


Bad news: The other 33 cans that we hid around your house are not as easy to find.
Good news: THIRTY-SIX FREE CANS OF DIET COKE!
Bad news: Holy crap, it’s Christmas and we didn’t bring any presents!
Good news: You had some stuff in your fridge. Situation UNDER CONTROL.


Bad news: We got on a roll.







Good news: When you get back if someone complains that you weren’t answering your phone you could be like, “Sorry, I had to unwrap it first.” And then you’ll realize that it’s just easier to say you were going to the bathroom.
Bad news: You’re no longer on vacation.

More bad news: This also means that nobody will be delivering you croissants and orange juice to your room just because you picked up the phone and told them to.

To reiterate: Gopher no longer works for you.
Good news: Look at all the pretty colors!


Yours Truly,
Vern
p.s. I told Facebook you were expecting and having a girl. Everyone’s really excited for you!

UPDATE:  The crew got in late Monday night and probably would have slept without knowing anything had happened if it hadn't been for the fact that Ganelle's husband was hungry and went to the kitchen for a quick bowl of cereal.  He announced, "Uhh...it looks like Vern's been here."  The next morning looked like Christmas in the kitchen as the boys made quick work of the unwrapping and not so quick work of the cleaning up of the unwrapping.  She has received several inquiries from family and friends asking if the rumors about her pregnancy were true - Shazam!  More points for me.  The good news is that it looks like we're still friends.  At least I think that's good news....

29 comments:

Adele said...

LOVE it!!

Tia Juana said...

You are SUCH a gooooood friend!

Jillybean said...

OK, this was the funniest thing I've seen for a while!

Would you come and hide Diet Coke in my house too?

Rachey said...

It must be so fun to be you:)

Susie J. said...

:::bowing to the master:::

Melinda said...

This is awesome!!!

jksfam said...

I love when my double chin is smoothed out, too! :) This is so funny! (Oh, and I wasn't up really late, in fact I was in bed about 9:30. I use a thing called Digsby that will link all my IM options (msn, facebook, etc) and it seems to show that I'm on line all the time.)

Paige said...

What a GREAT friend you are! It makes me wish someone would come and gift wrap all my food when I go on vacation. And FREE diet coke? What could be better?

Amy said...

Usually I wish you and I were friends. Today I'm kinda glad. :)

Sorry about the snow.

Heather said...

Awesome! When are you flying in for Waffles?

Kerri said...

Well, it was a lot nicer than my suggestions....and hilarious. You are the master.

beanstocks said...

You are hilarious! The best part... you got your whole family involved. I think you should get to count that as your FHE for the week. I mean, you were serving others after all.

tawnya said...

That? Was HILARIOUS.

the emily said...

oh my hilarity! i'm dying!

Marianne & Clayton said...

So much fun. And I might be copying the diet coke candles idea. It's so elegant, but more importantly it speaks to my design side. Or caffeine side, whatever.

The Grapers said...

Wow, next time we go on vacation, I am so going to ask you to watch my house!

Lisa said...

It's at times like these I'm glad we're "internet friends."

Kristi said...

Wow, the talent, I'm impressed.

Sherise said...

Awesome!

Garity said...

Caffine Free Diet Coke Ganelle? Who the heck are you and what have you done with my friend?

Kristy- Ha Ha Ha *SNORT* Ha Ha! Thanks for the Depends moment! I especially love the fridge work!

rocslinger said...

HahaHaHa....breathe..HaHaHa...whew...snort,snort....breathe...HaHaHa,

Memo to wife, do not, I repeat do not ever give keys to Vern ever again.

I'm not worthy...I'm not worthy.

YOU ARE THE MASTER

Mortensen Baby Farm said...

You are a SPAZ!

Jen said...

THIS is GREAT!

Please don't leave us hanging - be sure to fill us in on Ganelle's reaction!

Cindy said...

I CANNOT wait to have a friend go out of town! This is the greatest thing I have ever seen!

happy mommy said...

I am SO stealing this for a friend who is out of town right now. I will give you proper credit, of course.

And I will use Diet Pepsi, the true and living diet soda.

Steph @ Diapers and Divinity said...

You're a genius.

Emily said...

What a great idea! I think that my mother-in-law would appreciate this one...

Meg said...

Good thing we are only family and not friends, and that we live states away from each other.

mormonhermitmom said...

Dang it I've missed you on LRS! ROTFLOL