Sunday, March 21, 2010

Summer Is Almost Here a.k.a. "Diet Failure Awareness Day"

Confession: Last year I started a secret and private blog about my struggles with weight. I kept it secret and private for several reasons. First, I wanted the opportunity to be honest with myself, to make it impossible for me to be anything but transparent. Also, I hate talking about weight. It never feels productive because nobody really cares about anyone’s story other than their own. In other words, I don’t care how many weight watchers points are in your bread, or how many calories are in that Chipotle burrito, or whether you have found joy and salvation from HCG. I don’t care about your success story because it’s not MY success story, and that’s the only one that I have control over. Finally, because trying to be funny is my primary mode of communication and I no longer think this is a joke. I have come to recognize that I sometimes use humor to soften the blow of the truth (ya THINK?!), but that approach is not always in my best interest – getting a laugh doesn’t make the numbers on the scale go down, yet I often use that laugh to give me permission not to change. If I can’t be healthy, I can at least be funny.

Which is the biggest part of my problem. That, and the aforementioned Chipotle burrito who has become a close enough friend that I almost sent it a Christmas card. But I didn’t, because come on, that would be weird. (And then the cilantro lime rice complained.)

So why am I bringing it up now? Because it’s time. To be truthful, I am not morbidly obese or anything, but I’m tired of knowing that there's a better life for me out there that is currently hiding under several extra pounds and compounding unhealthy habits. The noose around my neck is getting tighter and despite numerous attempts, I have yet to make it stop. It's making me slow, and boring, and it makes me feel old at a time when I should be vibrant and full of life. To the average onlooker, that's exactly what I am. I can still carry on a conversation at a party, or crack jokes in a group of friends. But when I get home I turn to the cupboards for friendship, for consolation, for the comfort that I need after I've successfully duped everyone around me. Most of them would be shocked to learn that I feel this way about myself. I feel guilty that my husband has to deal with so many ups and downs with me. He deserves so much better.

And then it hits me.

So do I.

It’s time.

30 comments:

carole said...

I hear you. After years of "I need to lose a few pounds," I must face the fact I need to LOSE A FEW POUNDS. Why, oh why, didn't I listen to myself sooner?

And I hear you about the Chipotle burritos. One of my favorite food groups, along with chocolate, anything ending in "cake" and cheese.

jksfam said...

At least you're funny! I'm not healthy or funny... I have been walking more regularly and now I need to eat better too. The chocolate supply is dwindling - maybe I shouldn't replenish it. Yeah, right! Everything in moderation.

Kelly said...

Sounds like you had an aha moment. I am in the same boat with you! Best of luck in your transformation.

Kelly said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paige said...

That could have been me writing this post. Except for the Chipolte burritos. My Christmas card would be sent to the Wendy's junior bacon cheeseburger.

Karen said...

I was invited to Hershey's last corporate meeting. They said it was only fair that I have an input now...

You look great, by the way, but I do know what it's like to feel disappointment about something you've wanted to change for way too long.

Good luck friend.

JustRandi said...

This might be the bravest post you've ever written.

I've recently come to the realization that I'm either going to have to really do something about it, or learn to live with my extra pounds. Because this fake happy thing isn't really working out for me.
(I mean, I'm not UNhappy.... you know what I mean.)

Janet said...

I'm coming out of blogger lurkdom to comment for the first time on your blog - by the way, I enjoyed Light Refreshments Served and then put your personal blog on my google reader when that ended.

I enjoy your sense of humor, and now your seriousness. I feel like I could have written this post. I have been 30 lbs overweight for 15 years since my sixth and last baby was born. I realized last night that most of my children can't even remember me thin! Such a tough topic. I'm a terrible dieter - I HATE dieting! It's nice to know we're all struggling with this one together, although it is a lonely road.

Rachel said...

I'm proud of you for making your life happen for you instead of letting it happen to you. You rock.

Boulter trouble said...

Oh, I hear ya sister!
I still have 50 MORE to go. :)
Wait...I mean 60.

Heather said...

I'm with ya- except that I'm not THAT funny.

Chrissy Jo said...

I love that you're funny.
And I love that you're honest.

Best of luck to you in your search to find what works for your body and your life. There is no one size fits all answer... but it sounds like you already know that. See, you're already on the right track!

Jer said...

Awesome! I loved reading your posts on LRS, and I'm so happy I can keep reading here.

jason said...

I really just want to know what your secret blog is. This is Mich not Jas, I just don't want to relog in.

Amy said...

I'm glad you're funny. Also you're not alone (clearly). And I hope you'll say more things...weird that I only care about the points in MY burrito and now yours. Not anybody else's. :)

Lisa said...

Oh, this is going to give you plenty of material, funny girl. . . And, you didn't really mean it's inappropriate to send Christmas cards to food, right? Like, a cheese platter or hot fudge sundae? Just a burrito, right? THAT'S what makes it humorous--right? That it's A BURRITO. . .

violyngirl said...

Thanks. I love your honesty. Sure you are hilarious and make my day brighter when you post, but when you get down to it you tell the truth and make me realize I need to tell myself the truth too. So thanks.

But I have this problem, I still think happiness is two kinds of ice cream. Hmmm

Rachey said...

This was very brave, I don't think I could ever be so honest in a blog post. Good for you!

What really depresses me about the weight struggle is that it seems like it will be forever, maybe it wouldn't be if I was a man and didn't have to gain 30 pounds to birth babies, but that is definitely an added complication for women.

Anyway, good luck, you can do it!

Emily said...

I like you even more now that you have shared this post with us all. If it was possible to like you more that is...you are pretty cool you know!

rocslinger said...

There is so much here that I could comment on that I don't know how to approach the topic or even where to start. I would probably be best off not writing anything but that just wouldn't be my way. I have been overweight all my life (between 50 and 90 lbs). It has been enough to make me self conscious but it has never stopped me from being physical ie...joining the ARMY or a six hundred mile bike ride to Yellowstone. When I was young it seemed to me that this problem plagued just a few of us now it seems to be nearly everyone. Our culture is so sedentary that we have to take time from our lives to excersize (could you imagine one of our church pioneers taking time off from clearing ground for his crops to walk on a treadmill)? Back in the day physical labor would take care of all those unwanted pounds. Dont get me wrong I love our modern era and I would not trade it for any time previously but there are trade offs. I guess what I'm trying to say is that most of us (especially us over the age of thirty) are in the same boat and maybe their could be some comfort and support in that fact.

Kerri said...

Well, you get so many responses because so many of us can relate to exactly what you said in this post. It sucks to be fat - whether it's a lot of fat or just a little - and it's almost always connected with what goes on in our heads. I know of what I speak. So, you ARE worth it. You CAN do it. And I'm cheering you on all the way (and am an offer of support if you need it).

Vern said...

Anyone else hearing High School Musical in the background? "We're aaall in this together..." Thanks friends!

Chelsea said...

High School Musical? That is my son's favorite music and he isn't even two! I digress, keep up the good work. Glad you can read my blog now, I missed you too!

Sherise said...

Thanks for this. I think everyone can relate to the eternal weight struggle. I know I'm sick of looking in the mirror and asking myself, "WHAT is it going to TAKE for you to change?!?" I'm sick of being fit but fat. I want to be fit and "dayum, she looks gooooood!"

And Lisa? Have you ever eaten at Chipotle? It is not "just a burrito!" It is THE burrito. If you're anywhere near the SL area, call me, and I will introduce you to the wonders of the best guacamole on the planet.

Susan said...

Good luck with your quest. We've all been there at some point. A few years back I had my "AHA" moment, realizing that I was not blessed with a good metabolism and that I would have to watch what I ate and exercise my whole life. Dang.

Anyway, the past few years I have become somewhat of a gym rat. I love and crave that place (weird!).

I don't know if it's the actual endorphins or that I get (up to) 2 hours of childcare daily allowing me to have my "me" time. It's probably both, and that's okay. The side-effect is being fit and healthy. No complaints here!

Find a good gym - it's worth it to spend the extra $$ - I believe, if you use it. The one I go to is expensive, but the atmosphere is energetic and positive and there are enough offerings with classes and etc. that keep me engaged and excited to go.

With a husband who works 60+ hours a week and then spends another 10+ hours in his church calling... getting my 1-2 hours at the gym every day preserves my sanity. FOR REAL. And it's way cheaper than drugs or therapy. And it also allows me to eat my chocolate guilt-free.

Good luck!

~j. said...

You can do it!

ray-ray says said...

You said everything right.
And I'll add my enthusiastic, "You can do it!", to all the others.

Jill said...

I am hearing High School Musical, and to show my devotion I will never go to a Chipotle again.

ganelle said...

Jill is a better friend than me, 'cause NO WAY I'm giving up Chipotle as a means of encouraging you.

As for the post - I love the honest.

Nicole said...

wow. that was extremely well said. I have never posted a comment on your blog before. I doubt you will even check this post so far back, but in the event that you do, I am with you. 100% The line that hit was the "People would be shocked..." Because for a long time my husband has dealt with the same ups and downs with me, while I put on the "She can do anything and is so everything persona." Thank you for this post.