I Just Searched The Word "Hemorrhoids" On Twitter

I am not technologically fluent. When I started this blog I had to call my brother who walked me through it.
“Go to blogger dot com.”
“Okay.”
“Now pick a name.”
“Okay.”
“Click ‘Next’.”
“Got it.”
“Now look up ‘stupid’ in the dictionary.”
“All right.”
“Good. Now, see your picture?”
Of course my brother didn’t say that because he is not a jerk, but that’s pretty much how I feel sometimes when it comes to new territory. I’m the kind of person who watches the Today Show during the holidays when they feature the latest and greatest gadgets as gift ideas and gets totally overwhelmed. Matt Lauer will be standing there with his blue cue cards going, “So this little thing here the size of a tylenol can record up to seven hours of conversation, flush toilets remotely, alphabetize your spices AND teleport milk to your refrigerator on a Saturday morning ALL WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON?” And I’d be the one at home rocking in the corner in the fetal position, freaking out because the world is headed in a direction where I have to worry about every bloody thing I say for fear it will show up on the internet and I’ll be too dumb to know how to prevent it. I would also be the one thinking, “Remote flusher? How lame is that?” But then I would remember the one time we had company over and someone used the guest bathroom and forgot to flush the toilet, but we didn’t know it and then we went on vacation for a week and came back and…well, then we DID know it.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that it’s hard for me to keep up. I don’t want to learn a new gadget every six months to be able to stay current with the rest of mankind. I never did MySpace, I am not a fan of facebook, and I have tried to put my foot down on Twitter. But the reality is, I feel like my disdain for all things techy is leaving me behind in a way that I can’t compensate for otherwise. It’s like the boss you have to get along with, whether you like it or not, if you want to keep your job.

At any rate, a few days ago I was reading some pro arguments over at Navel Gazing (Who I sure have been linking to a lot lately and somehow feel I should be compensated, perhaps as a randomly selected winner of the hp compaq mini CQ10...for example) for going Team Twitter, starting with, “It’s a great way to get to know other bloggers.” Should I care about this? I mean, if I don’t know you then I don’t really know what I’m missing out on. And if I DO get to know you then that means I will likely clock more hours on this here laptop following you. And frankly, I’m not sure I have that kind of time. Second on Sue’s list, “Twitter can help drive traffic to your blog.” Again, should I care? (Different than “DO I care?” Because oh yes, I CARE.) But does it really matter? I don’t like to play games. Either you want to be here or not. I don’t want people to come visit my blog just because they have become friends with me on Twitter and suddenly feel obligated. Shouldn’t the material just speak for itself? If you like it, fine. If not, fine. Right?

Finally, the author mentioned how Twitter can give you information that you won’t get anywhere else. I’m sure she’s right, which is why, for the first time ever, I logged on to Twitter. But when I got there I didn’t really know where to start. So I sat for a second and stared at the search button. What do I want to know about? And then it hit me. Hemorrhoids. I should totally do a search on hemorrhoids! Because I am getting older you know, and according to all the commercials this is bound to become a problem at some point and heaven forbid that Twitter holds all the answers to a cure and I’m stuck at home leafing through my AARP pamphlet and rummaging for Preparation-H. I typed it in.
H-e-m-o-r-r-h-o-i-d-s.

It produced exactly 0 results. Really, Twitter? Is that all you’ve got? So that was it and I walked away from my computer. I’m pretty sure I’m missing the big picture on this but at least now when people ask, “Have you ever gone on Twitter?” I can say, “Yes! Yes I have!” like the rest of the world. I might try again later but for now, I’m calling it good.