Monday, March 1, 2010

I Just Searched The Word "Hemorrhoids" On Twitter

I am not technologically fluent. When I started this blog I had to call my brother who walked me through it.
“Go to blogger dot com.”
“Okay.”
“Now pick a name.”
“Okay.”
“Click ‘Next’.”
“Got it.”
“Now look up ‘stupid’ in the dictionary.”
“All right.”
“Good. Now, see your picture?”
Of course my brother didn’t say that because he is not a jerk, but that’s pretty much how I feel sometimes when it comes to new territory. I’m the kind of person who watches the Today Show during the holidays when they feature the latest and greatest gadgets as gift ideas and gets totally overwhelmed. Matt Lauer will be standing there with his blue cue cards going, “So this little thing here the size of a tylenol can record up to seven hours of conversation, flush toilets remotely, alphabetize your spices AND teleport milk to your refrigerator on a Saturday morning ALL WITH THE PUSH OF A BUTTON?” And I’d be the one at home rocking in the corner in the fetal position, freaking out because the world is headed in a direction where I have to worry about every bloody thing I say for fear it will show up on the internet and I’ll be too dumb to know how to prevent it. I would also be the one thinking, “Remote flusher? How lame is that?” But then I would remember the one time we had company over and someone used the guest bathroom and forgot to flush the toilet, but we didn’t know it and then we went on vacation for a week and came back and…well, then we DID know it.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that it’s hard for me to keep up. I don’t want to learn a new gadget every six months to be able to stay current with the rest of mankind. I never did MySpace, I am not a fan of facebook, and I have tried to put my foot down on Twitter. But the reality is, I feel like my disdain for all things techy is leaving me behind in a way that I can’t compensate for otherwise. It’s like the boss you have to get along with, whether you like it or not, if you want to keep your job.

At any rate, a few days ago I was reading some pro arguments over at Navel Gazing (Who I sure have been linking to a lot lately and somehow feel I should be compensated, perhaps as a randomly selected winner of the hp compaq mini CQ10...for example) for going Team Twitter, starting with, “It’s a great way to get to know other bloggers.” Should I care about this? I mean, if I don’t know you then I don’t really know what I’m missing out on. And if I DO get to know you then that means I will likely clock more hours on this here laptop following you. And frankly, I’m not sure I have that kind of time. Second on Sue’s list, “Twitter can help drive traffic to your blog.” Again, should I care? (Different than “DO I care?” Because oh yes, I CARE.) But does it really matter? I don’t like to play games. Either you want to be here or not. I don’t want people to come visit my blog just because they have become friends with me on Twitter and suddenly feel obligated. Shouldn’t the material just speak for itself? If you like it, fine. If not, fine. Right?

Finally, the author mentioned how Twitter can give you information that you won’t get anywhere else. I’m sure she’s right, which is why, for the first time ever, I logged on to Twitter. But when I got there I didn’t really know where to start. So I sat for a second and stared at the search button. What do I want to know about? And then it hit me. Hemorrhoids. I should totally do a search on hemorrhoids! Because I am getting older you know, and according to all the commercials this is bound to become a problem at some point and heaven forbid that Twitter holds all the answers to a cure and I’m stuck at home leafing through my AARP pamphlet and rummaging for Preparation-H. I typed it in.
H-e-m-o-r-r-h-o-i-d-s.

It produced exactly 0 results. Really, Twitter? Is that all you’ve got? So that was it and I walked away from my computer. I’m pretty sure I’m missing the big picture on this but at least now when people ask, “Have you ever gone on Twitter?” I can say, “Yes! Yes I have!” like the rest of the world. I might try again later but for now, I’m calling it good.

15 comments:

Heather said...

I've never done twitter either. Does that mean I'm gonna be you when I grow up? I'm not sure how I feel about that. (kidding, ha ha)

Carly Almost Richardson said...

I think twitter is the dumbest thing ever. Don't feel bad for having a failed first attempt. I wouldn't even bother with the second attempt. Stick to blogging and making me laugh.

Jenn said...

I too have never "tweeted" (is that the right word even?)

You know what I'd like to know? How long does it take you to write something like this. Do you sit in front of your computer staring at the screen while you try to think of clever ways to write what you have to say; or does it just flow out of your mouth that way? Me personally, I sit there and try to think of ways to be clever, which I totally am NOT and end up just writing something stupid and getting it over with. I'm pretty sure you are the kind that it just comes out that way. Still, I'd like to know.

Rachel said...

I think Twitter is really dumb. Just a giant virtual pyramid scheme and time suck. So I'm glad your research confirmed this.

But I must point out that perhaps hemorrhoids is not the right word for the Twitter demographic (are there any 70 year olds on Twitter?). Type in Paris Hilton or Olivia Wilde and see what happens.

Or just hang with me in the non-Twitter world.

Chrissy Jo said...

I loved reading your stuff on Light Refreshments Served. Sorry you got laid off. I'm glad you have this blog though. Thanks for making me laugh. Seriously, I don't laugh enough but you frequently make me at least chuckle out loud. I don't "tweet" or "twitter" and I too feel like the great resistance to such things... sigh.

Jillybean said...

I'm not on Twitter because I don't need one more thing to keep me glued to the computer.
I've had very similar conversations like yours with my brother.

JustRandi said...

hahaha!
I'd been thinking of abandoning twitter until Sue did that post. Idk -- do I really want to increase my online chatting time??

But I would definitely follow you!

ganelle said...

I'm with you - I don't need the stress of twitter. I've got enough of that!

Vern said...

Jenn: I don't think I'm as cool as you think I am. Sometimes it takes me over an hour to write a post but I'm also kind of picky about what I put out there. Then there are other days....

The Yarbrough Clan said...

First of all I'm glad I found your blog! Second, I tried to go to twitter and saw the password sign in and exited out of the website! I guess I wasn't that interested. Third, I think you and Jenn are both very clever! I hope it's okay to blog stock you Kristi :) I really really needed a laugh tonight! :)

rocslinger said...

Twitter, I'm still trying to work out if I like thirty-three or if I'll just stick with forty-five.

Mom of Three said...

Seeing as Twitter is a social network, I don't think that hemorroids would be a very friend/guy you think is hot topic! Never been on Twitter, but I'm sure it is coming.

Lorie said...

All I want to know is WHO FORGOT TO FLUSH THE TOILET?????

Mortensen Baby Farm said...

I asked my Dad if he was into Twitter. He said, and I quote, "you do and you clean it up"!

Kerri said...

Oh no! Tell me is wasn't my daughter who forgot to flush....Why am I afraid it was?